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Reflection from August 10th, 2002 @ Age 21


Well, this is my last Saturday—I have to work for the summer, hoorah!  I am getting so sick of working!  I can’t wait to get back to school, because I am excited to start my classes—and excited to be working toward finishing up my last year at Denison, and graduation!  Ohh, and going to law school—and just, moving on to a new part of my life.

So much is going on, and there’s so much to write about!  This bitch, Diana, who is Gunner’s new secretary, obviously has developed a problem with me—knowing how to do more at the office than she, even though the dumb bitch has only been there one week!  She has started calling me pet names, like ‘honey’ and ‘young thing,’ or some bullshit like that.  So next time she calls me one, I will politely but firmly, say that my name is Marissa—that is what she may address me as, and I do not appreciate the pet names or the condescending attitude.  What a dumb bitch.  She thinks she is hot shit, but seems to forget she is a secretary for her life.  No wonder she’s a dumb bitch with authority problems

Come to think of it.

I have been thinking a lot, about Danny and I, and the future—and am starting to more and more realize that I better enjoy this school year, because that might be the end of it…

Wonderful as it is.  I mean, we will be in two completely different worlds—him working days and always wanting to go out and do stuff at night, because that’s just the way he is.  And I will be sitting at home or in the library studying, most of the time…

And it would suck to be so distracted—by someone who constantly wants to go out.

Plus, it would suck to have him move in with me, and have to start a whole new life off—and not be able to hang out with him all the time.  If I were him, I would kind of be annoyed by that—and anyways, he doesn’t seem like one who is going to be ready to move away and get a real job and start a new career and life, right after Denison.

Which is totally and completely okay…

It just doesn’t fit into my plans.  And my god, I want out of this fucking state—and I want to go south and I want to meet a brilliant and motivated, charming and sweet southern gentleman.  That is, if any still exist.  Maybe I will meet up with Mr. Skipper one day and we will fall in love again—but, in real life this time.  What a great guy he was!  And, so understanding—and patient!  God, I wish Danny could be a bit more patient with me half the time.  That really can get very annoying at times.

And, anyways…

While his mom is, somehow, growing on me—I think his dad is an asshole, and his sisters are bitches.  So I guess I’m trying to say, or, convince myself—one, or the other; that, I am going to be okay if Danny and I break up after this school year—because things probably wouldn’t work out anyways, once we lose the Denison link.  And, my god, I don’t think I would be ready to have Danny be the last guy I ever date…

Ever!  I mean, I am only 21 and I don’t even know, really, who I am yet—let alone, does anyone else; let alone, do I know that Danny is for truly and surely, the one for me—and the one I want to father my babies.  I mean, Jesus Christ, he can’t even be patient enough to give me directions to his goddamn house from the fucking freeway.  So, fuck that shit!

He can kiss my ass, if he wants to treat me like an asshole.

I am feeling like I have a lot of anger building up inside of me, and I am not sure why.  I guess, maybe the Paxil used to help out with this.  I just don’t understand why I have to fucking care about all the things that come in and out of my mind…

Because there’s a fucking lot, and it can get very frustrating at times.

For instance, Stacey just got a brand new car—it is the same as mine, but five-years newer and silver with leather interior.  And my gut reaction, is to be jealous!  Can you fucking believe that?  Jealous!  I can’t even believe it, because the reason she got this brand new car is because her brother died!  I mean, Jesus Christ, I would rather drive the shittiest car ever and have my brothers alive and well—than the latter.  So, why the fuck is my gut and initial feeling to be jealous?  What a terrible feeling it is, too.

It makes me feel like the devil has jumped inside me, and is just trying to take over—and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.  Ahh, but I suppose there is a choice there; and, I choose not to be jealous—but rather, to be happy for my best friend; and, be happy that some good could come out of something so terrible.

Not sure if I wrote about this yet—but I will write about it again, in case not.  I got an email from Dave, a month or two ago.  Read it—deleted it, and emptied the trash in my email account.  It was very stupid, anyways.  So general and impersonal, and I just don’t fucking get him still—and hope to never hear from him again, most times.

Though, I may not have to worry about that now—because I didn’t email him back; and, in November (three-months) it will have been a year since I spoke with the piece of shit last—and when we graduate, he will have no way of contacting me, anyways; unless, he tried to figure it out—which I would most definitely put past him!  I hate that asshole, and even though it was my decision to let him make me miserable for such a long time—fuck him for being such an inconsiderate, uncompassionate, stuck up, self-absorbed asshole.

Yep, I hope I never speak with him again.

Do you see all these strong, harsh feelings?  What am I supposed to do with them all?  And, why do I feel this way?  I wish it was as easy done, as it is said—to just ignore my feelings, and not let them affect how I think, and feel, and act.  They can be, just, very overwhelming at times—and I just don’t know where to put them, or what to do with them, or why I feel the way I do.  And, I don’t think you can control your feelings.  I mean, I know you can control what you do with them—but you can’t stop them from coming, in the first place; and, my fucking lord—who is putting them there, to begin with?  Ugh!


I cannot fail to remember that I appear for the first time before an audience in this now great State—an audience that is accustomed to hear such speakers as Corwin, and Chase, and Wade, and many other renowned men; and, remembering this, I feel that it will be well for you, as for me, that you should not raise your expectations to that standard to which you would have been justified in raising them had one of these distinguished men appeared before you.  You would perhaps be only preparing a disappointment for yourselves, and, as a consequence of your disappointment, mortification to me.  I hope, therefore, that you will commence with very moderate expectations; and perhaps, if you will give me your attention, I shall be able to interest you to a moderate degree.

Appearing here for the first time in my life, I have been somewhat embarrassed for a topic by way of introduction to my speech; but I have been relieved from that embarrassment by an introduction which the Ohio Statesman newspaper gave me this morning.  In this paper I have read an article, in which, among other statements, I find the following:

In debating with Senator Douglas during the memorable

contest of last fall, Mr. Lincoln declared in favor of negro

suffrage, and attempted to defend that vile conception

against the Little Giant.

I mention this now, at the opening of my remarks, for the purpose of making three comments upon it.  The first I have already announced—it furnishes me an introductory topic; the second is to show that the gentleman is mistaken; thirdly, to give him an opportunity to correct it.


Speech at Columbus, Ohio

September 16th, 1859