Reflection from October 23rd, 2008 @ Age 27
Part of the problem with being bipolar is that, when you’re manic, you do things you’d never do and say things that you’d never say, otherwise—things, that make you sound creepy and foreign. Like, when I was manic up and running on myspace, and, I put as an “interest,” my cousin Sara—which, was true; I was most assuredly interested in her—I just thought she was beautiful for reasons deeper than the surface. Reasons, of which, I am unaware—but, sense, nonetheless. But, I think if I were her, and I saw that (which, I think she did)—then, I too, would think I was such a damn weirdo. Another problem, is that I share things about myself, that I would never otherwise share—especially, the fact that I am bipolar, which at the moment, I never seem to feel ashamed of. I feel like I wear it as a badge of honor, when I feel manic—but, feel ashamed of it, all of the other times.
Anyways, I’ve been feeling very out of place—very defective, lately. I thought I saw a girl from high school today, at Easton, and damn near had a heart attack. I panicked, and, had to get out of sight—because, I felt like I looked like a slob and had nothing to be proud of, and nothing I would want to share. I didn’t want to say “hello”—suffice it to say.
This girl—she beat me out for “best looking,” in high school. She’s got long, blonde bouncy curls, and had the cutest little work outfit on—pale brown pants, with a flowy white shirt and a purple vest on. It sounds pretty horrid, come to think of it—but, rest assured, she looked beautiful. I looked at her from one angle, and then, kept walking around the store, trying to get a better view of her outfit—and, then, she looked familiar, and I booked it into the dressing rooms. I don’t know—I just feel ashamed of myself, and ashamed of my life. I feel so alone; no friends around—and, non-existent social and romantic lives. It makes me want to hide myself away from the world. It leaves me feeling deflated and unusual, in the worst sense. This was one of the popular girls, who won crowns for homecoming and prom—one of those girls, that girls like me love to hate. Or, maybe I hate to love her. I don’t know. Confused, is the other main emotion I feel lately, too, if that’s even an emotion at all. And, my thoughts feel discombobulated and slightly irate. I’m not sure what to do with myself.
I largely, define success, in terms of relationships—and, that’s mostly why I feel like such a failure. I’ve no friendships in the near vicinity, except Stacey and Brian—and, even they are over two hours away. I’ve no significant other, and, I don’t think I have the confidence to even stand proud of myself in the face of love. I merely cower away—tail, between my legs. I don’t know why social relationships are so difficult for me—but, they most definitely are. I suppose, I have great relationships, with most of my immediate family—and, for that, I am proud and I am thankful. But, in terms of my autonomous being—I am lost, and I am empty. How, after all these years, do I still find myself coming up short? Why am I simply not good enough?
Still no word from Brian, but, it’s important to mention—that, often, when I am high, I am suddenly sufficient and relevant and poignant and loved. I am proficient at social relationships, most of the time, when I am high—I feel normal, in the sense that I crave social attention and attentiveness. If you found something that made you feel normal—wouldn’t you, too, want more?
I did want to mention, that, the other day—was, another perfect example, of the verbal disaster that spews forth from my mouth. John and April were so nice to hang out with me, and, I tell you—I had one of those days that you ache over, knowing, that you’ll never again get it back. Well, anyways, during which—over coffee, we were speaking about working out. April said, that her muscles don’t just get tired—but, they literally ache, when she tries to work out. Well, do you know what my dummy comment was? I told her—I didn’t think that was normal.
The thing is—I don’t think it is normal. John said I’m just different, because I did gymnastics all those years, and, my body can withstand more—and, that may, very well be true. But, he also said that lactic acid probably contributed to April’s condition, which—can’t be true, because, I know it takes hours after a workout for lactic acid to build up. Well, anyways, I felt so bad for having called April abnormal—I wrote an email to John, and told him I was sorry and I hope she didn’t take what I said personally. I just thought she might want to see her doctor, about the issue—if it didn’t clear up, after so long. I don’t know why I feel like such a monster, for saying what I said—but I do.
Well, John never wrote back, and, I don’t know where either of them stand—but I feel bad nonetheless. It leads me to wonder, whether I ruminate too deeply on these types of social encounters? Could it be, that my sense of feeling is more acute than the regular persons? Why do I care? I just don’t know.
Anyways, another moment that struck me, was when they asked me what I usually did on weekend nights—and, I laughed and said I usually study or workout or watch DVR’d TV with mom. I told them, I don’t really have any friends around here—and, do you know, April said, neither did she. That kind of made me feel good—knowing, that I wasn’t the only one in the world, who felt that way. Which, makes me feel all the more bad, for telling April I thought she was not normal. Which, isn’t even really true, because, I didn’t say point blank to her, that I thought she was not normal—I just said, that I thought it wasn’t normal for her muscles to ache after short bursts of physical activity. I don’t feel like I’m making any sense right now, though—and, I’m just going to give up trying, so I don’t keep rambling on about nonsense. But, that would be pretty judgmental—wouldn’t it? To label my thoughts, “nonsense.” That’s what they feel like, though; they don’t feel succinct and beautiful—they sound repetitive and boring, and unimportant. I’m writing myself into a ditch, here.
I took the day off of work, today—because, I was “sick.” Really, I just had a bad case of allergies and some dizzys—but, it was wonderful all the same. It’s just nice, every once in awhile—to take a free day, if you know what I mean.
I watched the Olsen twins on Oprah this afternoon, and they were all—talking about finding a way to make money, doing something you love. It made me think about journaling, and, how it would be great if I could make money doing that. I’m not sure if anyone would be interested in what I had to say—but, I guess, you really never know, until you try, right?
Anyways, what struck me about the Olsen twins, is that—they don’t have a charity or foundation, and you never hear about them giving away money for good causes. Maybe, they do—just, in private; but, it does make me wonder how people like Paris Hilton—with gobs of money they’ll never even be able to spend, could be so greedy as to never share in their wealth. It gives new meaning, to never having enough.
I think, I would define success—as having financial independence, and, fulfilling personal relationships. It doesn’t take all that much—but, for me, these two goals are ever ohh so out of reach. No wonder, I feel like a failure. If I defined success in terms of education—I’d be a great success. But I don’t. I just don’t. I, therefore, feel like a failure. I don’t know what else to say.
Is it the worst thing, ever, to say—I kind of wish I didn’t have my cats, to take care of, anymore. I think it would be different, if they didn’t have to be locked down in the basement—requiring, that I put extra effort into going down and visiting with them. Especially, when it’s so damn cold in the basement! I feel like a bitch for admitting so—but, I do kind of wish I didn’t have to take care of them anymore. Which, is different from saying—I wish I didn’t have them, anymore.
Anyways, I’ve been reading through my spring 2007 journal entries—and, they’re very interesting. I almost get a headache—from reading them; they’re just, so, intense—I can hardly bear it. I think it shows the beginnings of my very clear bipolar nature, though, which is good. I think I’ve always had the illness to some extent, but, I think it’s definitely progressed—in a substantial way, over the past couple of years.
- Sun Tzu said: We may distinguish six kinds of terrain, to wit: (a) Accessible ground; (b) Entangling ground; (c) Temporizing ground; (d) Narrow passes; (e) Precipitous heights; and, (f) Positions at a great distance from the enemy.
- Ground which can be freely traversed by both sides is called accessible.
- With regard to ground of this nature, be before the enemy in occupying the raised and sunny spots, and carefully guard your line of supplies. Then you will be able to fight with advantage.
- Ground which can be abandoned but is hard to re-occupy is called entangling.
- From a position of this sort, if the enemy is unprepared, you may sally forth and defeat him. But if the enemy is prepared for your coming, and you fail to defeat him, then, return being impossible, disaster will ensue.
- When the position is such that neither side will gain by making the first move, it is called temporizing ground.
- In a position of this sort, even though the enemy should offer us an attractive bait, it will be advisable not to stir forth, but rather to retreat, thus enticing the enemy in his turn; then, when part of his army has come out, we may deliver our attack with advantage.
- With regard to narrow passes, if you can occupy them first, let them be strongly garrisoned and await the advent of the enemy.
- Should the army forestall you in occupying a pass, do not go after him if the pass is fully garrisoned, but only if it is weakly garrisoned.
- With regard to precipitous heights, if you are beforehand with your adversary, you should occupy the raised and sunny spots, and there wait for him to come up.
- If the enemy has occupied them before you, do not follow him, but retreat and try to entice him away.
- If you are situated at a great distance from the enemy, and the strength of the two armies is equal, it is not easy to provoke a battle, and fighting will be to your disadvantage.
- These six are the principles connected with Earth. The general who has attained a responsible post must be careful to study them.
- Now an army is exposed to six several calamities, not arising from natural causes, but from faults for which the general is responsible. These are: (a) Flight; (b) Insubordination; (c) Collapse; (d) Ruin; (e) Disorganization; and, (f) Rout.