Reflection from May 28th, 2015 @ Age 33
Well, we are 1-hour and 14-minutes, into one-of-three 2-hour calling-hour sessions for Bella’s dad’s funeral and I feel very peaceful. It’s so nice—for a change.
I still get anxious at times, but I realize now—how very skilled I’ve become, at psychologically disguising myself to “fit in.” Or rather, well, not rather but, in addition—how well I can do so at present, without simultaneously causing myself an internal-combustion episode. I can do it, in other words, without causing harm to my self—i.e. to my own psyche. Rather than (yep, here it applies) changing myself and who I am, to fit others—to the contrary, now, I can disguise myself by merely highlighting different aspects of my own personality. Because, I am so very—complex, like that ;0)
It’s such sweet relief after 33 years of suffering under my own hand—at the direction of others. It doesn’t cause me, this relief, though—to wish away any of the prior life experiences I’ve endured. To the contrary—it causes me to appreciate myself and to respect myself, for all that I’ve been through.
I’ve no idea what, I’ma DO with myself for the next 38 minutes!