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Reflection from February 6th, 2014 @ Age 32

RE:  THE PROCESS OF DETACHMENT ;0)

Well…

I’m in the middle of about 3 other journals right now too, that I’d really ought to finish first!  But…

What I figure instead, is really quite a big ol’ fuck that ;0)

This journal feels relevant for some reason—and so you know how I work these days and all.  The Universe my external compass—my heart, the inner.

I’m about to see my psychologist, and really, I’m not entirely sure what else to say!

I saw Geoffrey Collver yesterday at the Statehouse and it was…uhh…neutral (?), I guess…(?).  I don’t know—he was with Mary and they were heading to the S.B.43 meeting, from which I was leaving; but at which I’d made a big fuss about speaking (hah! ;0) so I took the opportunity to explain and it was good, or, I mean okay I guess…

They just seemed so separate.  So separate from me I guess, and they offered help with reviewing my AG proposal and were impressed with my ideas in working with Senator Coley and very nice and cordial and all…

So, I’m not sure what it was—why they felt so very separate from me.  It felt at once good and bad.  I mean, great really—because when I walk around the Statehouse now, people know me and say “hi” and like to get to see me there and I hold my head high and feel confident with purpose and conviction and genuine self-love and acceptance of myself for exactly who I am, and all that I represent.  And that, for that—I have been dreaming in color by day and by night for what seems nearly an eternity now.  It feels like a dream come true—but not like any of the ones before which turned out to be nightmares.  It feels genuine and hard-earned and legit; it feels like an honor to be menow

It feels like an honor.  And there’s just nothing quite like it, that I’ve ever felt  before in my life.  It’s phenomenal..

Without question—it is the beginning manifestation of my true life dream coming true.  And I still hustle for it every day—to keep it moving forward and to keep it alive.  But, to be it…to be her…I mean, to be me…I just can’t describe it yet, besides this feeling of living within a realized dream.

Alright, I’ll have to finish later because it’s Dr. C time.  But suffice it to say, Miss Maris…

No matter what anyone else says, and no matter what happens next, I am so proud of you—more than words can say.  You are exactly where you are meant to be right now, heading in exactly the right direction now.  It’s been a rocky, rough and tumbling—terrain.  But all the more reason for this, as the former competitive gymnast—you are meant to be.  All my heart and soul and love to you bebe ;0)

Later

I feel like my heart is breaking into 15-million shards of glass right now and I have no idea why; and worst of all, it feels as though I just have to let it happen—let it break apart.  Because there is nothing left to be done now.  I just have to let it fall apart.

Thing is, I feel right now, like I am—finally—the Phoenix in Ani DiFranco’s “32 Flavors.”  And accordingly, I do feel those thousand eyes watching me—smoldering with jealousy.  It’s so strong—it’s almost enough to kill me.  I don’t know…just so many things lately.

I was in Senator Coley’s office on Tuesday and I got there late and probably a week prior—I had asked his aide Emily if I could meet with Senator Coley to go over my compromise proposal, and she said he was booked all day and could only afford a half-hour.

So anyways, on Tuesday, when it finally came—I send out this big long email to Senator Coley with my Written Testimony and just all this other stuff, but I had to BCC it to everyone and then so, I was running late and the weather was horrible and the Statehouse parking garage was full.  It was horrible.  I damn near didn’t even go.  I don’t think I even got myself parked in time to call Emily and let her know I was running late till 10:45am.  The appointment was scheduled for 10:30am.  I asked her if I should still come, apologized and said I was just very tired and moving slowly.  She said it was okay, and said to come.  And so I went.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow” is playing now on my iPad and I swear to god, I can feel it right now—I can feel this heart of mine inside of me, breaking.

I met with Senator Coley and then he had very shortly to run to a committee at 11am, but said, “Can you stay?”  He said, “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

And so, I did—and I was walking around his office looking at his books and his photos and all his things, and there was a framed photo of him in the middle with a big white matting surrounding it, within the frame.  And it must have been a present from his campaign people to get him into his Senate office or something, because all these people signed it—the matting around his picture, within the black frame.  And, I read a couple comments and at the end of the second…

;0)

Someone said, referring to Senator Coley—called him “Fly Boy.”  Hah ;0)

Fly Boy…

;0)

I knew then…

That I was exactly right where I was meant to be.

He flies planes, so I don’t know—I suppose it was a direct reference, perhaps; but it just made me think of Bob Anderson and Flytz Gymnastics and that sticker I have somewhere that says “Fly Girl” and the flowers he sent me after I’d quit, heartbroken—a dozen roses he sent to me at Hoover High with a note that just said, “Fly.”

He’d said when I told him I was quitting, “If only I’d gotten you just a few years earlier”—broke my heart.  I’d arrived too late.  But, this time..

32 Flavors—poster-girl with no poster…

32-Years—just barely still pre-fame.  No poster…

Yet

I, am 32 flavors, and then some.  I am there now…

And, I think my heart is breaking because this life I’ve been living now for so long…

This hell of a life I’ve been living, trudging through again and again, one-day-more, time after time…

It’s about to end.  And the life I’ve been dreaming for, for so long—it’s just begun.  I am in the middle.  I am at the close of the prior and the start of the upcoming; and right now, this very moment in which I sit here, living—breathing

I am in the transition that is to lead me into the life I’ve for so long been dreaming of.  And, I’m terrified

And I can feel the hate

I had a dream about Lindsay Lowa two nights ago for god’s sake!  I can feel the hate…

As I rise…

I have begun ascent…

The time is now.

So, holy hell and Jesus Chrimanetly and my FDC Queen and Mother Mary!  Here we go!!!

Later

It’s starting to all piece itself together now.  I was right in that I fell in love with Geoffrey Collver at first sight.  I was wrong in assuming that he did not as well.  He did.  I saw it in his eyes.  When I finished speaking and returned to my chair to gather my purse and binder and things, as he slid down the aisle—the exact same aisle to which I was the end…

;0)

“Have you heard of Disability Rights Ohio?”

—No.

“Well, we’re an organization that represents people with disabilities and we’re giving testimony today in opposition to S.B. 43 as well.  Here’s a copy of our testimony—we’re basically going to say the exact same thing you just said.  Here’s my card—look over our testimony and give me a call…”

Give me a call!!  That asshole!  He knew from the very start!!  That bastard knew from the very goddamned start!  He fell in love with me first!  LOL…

That asshole…

No wonder when I came to the moment when I’d realized I hadn’t felt the same male/female power struggle since Dave—as I improved, he grew threatened…

Well, holy hell

Look at that

Geoffrey Collver loved me from first sight.  Before I’d even ever set eyes on him, he’d already fallen for me…

That fucking asshole…

No wonder he got so mad when I gave him shit for not attending the OACBHA conference…

No wonder he refused to provide me any oversight as to the big picture…

No wonder he refused to speak with me of anything personal after November came and went…

No wonder he treated me like a “less-than” human being

The stupid asshole…

All of this…

Because he loved me.  Guys are such unbelievable assholes.

No wonder he cut me off from insight and assistance in December.  No wonder he became so irritable in December—when good ol’ Mr. Murphy put his job at risk.  Hah!  Well…

That—and because he loved me, but also because he has a non-working flight attendant wife at home with their 15-million kids!  It’s true…

I saw them online.  I looked him up on Twitter.  It broke my heart.  This is so very fucked up.

I asked Mary Turocy, his employee, to lunch “or even better, happy hour” (i.e. if she wanted to be my friend) under the guise of some questions I need to ask her regarding the legislative world—I’m sure there are many

Which I will think of very soon ;0)

She did not want to be my happy hour friend though.  Happy to be my professional lunch-acquaintance; no interest in being my friend, though.  Stuck-up bitch…

She’s just as bad as he is…

With her little “study abroad” credentials and her Denison “honors” program degree and her shit tons and boatloads of experience that all make her “good enough” to get past Geoffrey Collver and into DRO’s doors.  Assholes…

Well…

I guess it should be interesting to see this Tuesday, how this all plays out.  I have my PAIMI Council interview at 11am and then lunch with Mary Turocy to follow—that is…

If she’s not too busy.  Assholes.

No, I’m just only half serious here.  This I know.  I am hurt because she does not want to be my friend; and I say I do not understand why, but that is mere transference of past experience and emotional trauma onto present.  Her boss is uncomfortable with me because I threaten him professionally, and because he has “inappropriate” “feelings” for me personally.  That makes her uncomfortable.  Plus, she’s somewhat frightened of me because I’m a “loose cannon” and she knows not the extent of my powers, and the limits which I am capable to exercise over them.  And then, of course, she is threatened too.  They all are.  Every single fucking one—except perhaps for Senator Coley, Michael and Alan.

I mean, if you think about it (and I do ;0)—it’s pretty un-mutha-fucking-believable.  Genuine, admirable human being built of solid character my ass!!!  Michael Kirkman at DRO, maybe

Geoffrey Collver, without a doubt—N—O—T.

Ugh!  I can’t even believe this!  What a total asshole!  This is so annoying, to be realizing this so very much so after the fact!  Ahh well…

Better than never at all, I suppose ;0)

I suppose…

Better than 10-years after the fact, as is…

Well, was the case with David.  Sigh…

I wish my mom didn’t play the TV so goddamned loud ;0(

I literally cannot imagine—nahh…

I can’t even finish writing that thought out, because I know so clearly of its very own falsity.  I can clearly envision myself doing well; living on my own in a cute little home—a cottage-like-inn out between 315 and Home and Orange roads…

Right over there, off of “Perry” road…

There’s gotta be a “maid’s” house for sale or rent over there…

And I will write this proposal for the AG to continue my mental-health consumer advocacy for the State of Ohio….

Except new, moving forward, as a highly paid “seriously mentally ill” mental-health consumer legislative advocate and attorney for the State of Ohio’s mentally ill population blah blah blah…

I’m tired of writing and my laundry’s done and my neck hurts and I don’t know…

I’m just anxious to get started already!  I mean, these hoops are—exhausting ;0)

Bahhahahaha!

Later

I just have the strangest feeling I think I’ve ever felt in my entire life.  It’s as though I’ve inherently become a part of a secret club or something.  Like this secret membership of beings amongst human beings, and it’s slightly terrifying because I don’t know what it is even—I just don’t know.  I mean, honest to god, it feels like some kind of power club within the political arena, or at least the legislative political arena, but it doesn’t feel like it’s limited by politics—but it definitely does feel as though my Mr. President of a hero is within it, also!  I mean what-the-fuck-am-I-even-talking-about!!!  But, I swear to you on the eyes of my unborn children—this is real.  It cannot be seen—it can only be felt.  And I am a part of it now, and I don’t know WTF that means even—except for one thing and one thing only:

That this is a humanitarian club, and as for money—it is a mere means to the end…

In support of humanity. 

Maybe?

Ohh I don’t fucking know!  I’ve never felt this before!  I just have no idea!  But, just the strangest things…

Like, after I said bye to Geoff and Mary on my way out of the Statehouse—when they were on their way to the hearing, to hear me speak ;0)

Hahhaha ;0)

Up the stairs they went and down the stairs opposite, I stepped…

And I tell you some guy passed by me then, to my left and I couldn’t tell you what in the world he looked like now—except that he looked like someone I’d never seen before in my life.  Like, ever, and he walked right past me on my left and as he did so, he said, “Hi Marissa!”

I kid you not, and it seems so anticlimactic now after all that longwinded build up!  But, it was just the strangest goddamned thing…

I don’t even know what more to say—it was such an altogether goddamned strange experience.

Let’s see…

What else?!  Ohh!  So…

This past Monday morning/Sunday night I awoke at midnight, got right the fuck up out of bed, sat down at my computer and thought—FUCK Mister Glenn Sheller at the Columbus Dispatch!  I thought, I’m not gonna wait—and I’m sure as hell not going to leave the decision up to this asshole at the Dispatch to make!  I thought…

I’m just gonna do it.  I’m just gonna crucify Terry Russell at NAMI Ohio in a noose formed from his own “finely” crafted deceit.  I don’t know why these idiots ever think they’re so clever

It’s so telling—how very much so they actually, are not

In their refusal to acknowledge how very finite are the implications, of their window and experience into life.  How finite is their knowledge set—relatively speaking of course, but all the same and then some…

They just have no idea the expansiveness to which their own self-induced ignorance does stretch!  And all the while, they go on thinking they are so clever—such foolish fools

No wonder Mary Turocy at DRO is scared of me and wants only to broach me as lunch acquaintance-friend…

If I didn’t understand what I now speak of, but heard me speaking now nonetheless—I’d probably be a little frightened too.  In fact, you know how it goes…

If they could see these thought-dreams and all…

You know what they’d do with that ol’ guillotine, now don’t you!?!!!  Ohh Bobby Dyl…

Bobby Dyl!  I love my good ol’ Bobby Dyl…

But, back to the story!  My gosh Maris!

As a side note, I can’t believe I’m almost halfway done with this journal already!!!  But, back to the track…

Okay, so…

I took that motherfucker OUT…

And that was as soon as I was done writing at like 6:12am I’d sent it, and BCC’d the world—including NAMI Franklin County’s email list and the entire Ohio state legislature.  I mean EVERYONE…

I BCC’d…

It was great

And so then, it was like 6:15 in the morning—so I went downstairs, made myself some sunny-side ups with toast, and sat down to New Girl for breakfast.  And so I turn the TV on, start the newest of the new New Girl episodes…

And I kid you not—don’t know you know who showed up?!!!

Prince—HIMSELF.  I swear to god, that I kid you not.  Prince with the house in Minnesota that I used to pass by all the time to and fro that hellhole of a campsite by my parents’ old locale out there…

Prince—of—SEVEN

Prince of “Prince and The New Power Generation” and their lovely song called 7 with the Bahhahahha

That I’d specifically referred to in my first follow up email to good ol’ Terry…

Ohh my god…

Terry vs. Bob…

GOOD —vs— EVIL:

Bob Anderson vs. Terry Gray

Marissa Varcho vs. Lindsay Lowa

“Mentally-Ill” Human Beings vs. “Ordinary” Human Beings

DRO vs. NAMI Ohio

Well anyways, so far as I can tell for now, from this point over here amidst both space and time—I took that motherfucker out

And then here the fuck Prince shows up for a celebration with Zooey Deschanel on my TV screen.  Like, within 20-minutes from hitting “send” he did.  It was uncanny.  I was so tired…

I had hardly slept.

And so Prince was on New Girl to teach the teacher, Miss “Jessica Day,” how to say “I love you”…

And he spoke of beauty and all such love-related things.  I mean, it was m’f’ing uncanny as all get out…

But I didn’t really get it, till I’d returned upstairs to see my updated computer screen.

Prince said, “It’s your party now,” and I know what he meant.  I knew FDC was calling.  And I came upstairs to find this mysterious new Prince “do you wanna fall in love” song to no avail…

But in the process, I saw what NAMI Franklin County did—no doubt, under NAMI Ohio’s direction.  “It is important to note that only consumer-voice mental-health programs have been suspended at this time.”  Like…

What the hell?!!

What, does he think I’m in fucking high school or something?!!  Or is he seriouslypunishing my people in a rash and hatred-filled response to my 6:12am email communication?  I mean, NAMI Franklin County’s email went out just minutes after 7am.  Effective 1/31/2014 it said—apparently retroactive, I guess.  At 7am

Like, what the hell!?!!!

So anyways, that does affect my people, and I’m not happy about mister Russell’s NAMI Ohio direction.  But hopefully this will be sufficient reason for NAMI National or really, the NAMI Ohio board or just anyone—to boot this mental-health bully out of there.  “Ohio’s voice on mental-illness” my ass

What a fucking asshole…

See…

I’m still upset.

So anyways, my hand’s beginning to hurt so I’ll wrap this up.  But, long ‘nother round about point—being:

Had my heart not just previously been moved to love-pieces by FDC’s sign of fate on New Girl with Prince and his questioning

His question—Maris…

Do you wanna fall in love?

Yes—please ;0)

Then I would have been devastated by Mr. Russell’s actions—potentially to the point of no return.

That same night, I think it was, I’d dreamt of my old college arch enemy of evil—the dreaded Lindsay Lowa

Evil incarnate and all…

Dietrich’s barking like a mad man now…

It’s almost as if her spirit is haunting me now…

See…

It’s shit like this

I haven’t even thought of L.L. in years

I mean, maybe I thought of her at one point to name her for TCOB, but that was months ago and otherwise, I’d swear it’s been years.  So, why now?  Why Sunday night such that I’d wake up at midnight on Monday morning and spend the next six-hours crafting the arrow by which Terry Russell at NAMI Ohio would be taken out?  And, why on Tuesday then, the very following day…

Would Senator Coley be talking to me about job security and working with me to fix mental-healthcare over the next seven years while he’s in office and why would I be late—such that he would have to leave but tell me to stay, such that I would be walking around his office and I would be looking at his things and I would read his congratulations comment, from campaign supporter to “FLY BOY”…

Why?!!  And, I mean…

I know I’m just barely hanging on by a thread here myself!  The one remaining loose end to my otherwise so intricately woven web…

So delicately I grasp on, and yet the mountain shatters before me…

And the ice castle appears, as if straight out from my hands

It is too complexly perfect to be imperfect…

The web has been too intricately woven to be anything less…

To be anything less than exactly what is meant to be.  And that is me.  I am she…

Just all meant to be ;0)

So as I would say, or rather first, as did Foster the People profess—“you can call it what you want,” but I’ma stick with fate.  Fate, destiny and chance