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Reflection from November 19th, 2016 @ Age 35

RE:  AND MAKIN’ SURE I DON’T FALL APART IN THE *M*E*A*N* TIME ;oD

What—am I going to do with the rest of my life?  What am I going to do!  With the rest of my life?!!

I almost feel like I should put my foot down moving forward—on these stupid appointments with my (biological) father and psychiatrist.  I can’t even get into it right now, I’m so tired—but suffice to say, it did not go well

Dr. S was all, “So, what’ve you been up to—lookin’ for jobs?”

And, I’m like evil eye—“no,” we discussed this to my detriment last appointment doc, but adding only the final point I’d told my father after my last appointment.  Namely, if for no better reason (they’re willing to recognize—i.e. that the creative output into mental-health legislative activities is actually, what’s making the difference)—sigh…

Honestly, if for no better reason though—at the very least, I have a Total and Permanent Disability Discharge of all my federal student loans pending at present with the U.S. Department of Education—with one waiting year down, and two still pending!  Sigh…

I do find it irritating that the U.S. Department of Education is the only weapon I have—with which to defend myself against these A-holes’ obsession with money…

And honest to God, I don’t know what I’ma do with the rest of my life forevermore thereafter and into eternity.  I don’t KNOW!

So, I really do wish they’d stop harassing me—and just let me be for the next two years in peace, so I can figure it OUT, you know?!

I don’t K—N—O—W—!

Sigh

I’m so tired—I didn’t sleep last night.  Not even a wink.  And cigs’ve been makin’ me feel sick as of late—like, really sick.  So, sigh…

I quit those today.  The awful doctor’s appointment was yesterday…

Oh yeah…

And then, also, while we were there—my dad starts asking me if I need to start seeing my old psychologist again, and I’m like why?  Where is this even coming from?  And then, I’m not in the room anymore (theoretically speaking)—as my dad starts telling Dr. S how much time I spend by myself, and mostly otherwise with just he and my mother when I’m not upstairs by myself.  And I’m like, well…

  1. First of all, when I’m upstairs and all quiet—it’s ‘cause I’m working;
  2. Second, —NO— I do not miss spending time with other bodies, with whom I had nothing intellectually in common and therefore with whom I’d feel just as lonely, except more so ‘cause I actually do enjoy my own company—I like the work that I do because it’s what’s helping me to actually —HEAL— me (unlike anything Dr. S has even done—i.e. with regard to healing, as opposed to simple pacification); and
  3. Honest to GOD, lastly, I don’t have any money (not to mention transportation) with which I’d endeavor to engage in said “social” activities in any case.  And, if my dad isn’t offering, WHY is he complaining?

Like, I’m over here makin’ the best of an almost —ENTIRELY— shitty, just all up n’ FUCKED life situation; and not complaining about it even one BIT, and yet…

My father is bitching about it, for me?  On —MY— behalf?  For what REASON?!!!!!!

It doesn’t even make any —SENSE— grrr…

So anyways, that was that, sigh…

Super annoying and senseless but, whatev’s…

And then, anyways, I’m just so tired cause I’ve been workin’ on piecing together what in the world happened with the FBI/blackmail/election 2016 situation—sigh…

So, I was all excited about that goin’ so well, and then Marshall Bruce Mathers III  (I love him ;oD) a.k.a. Eminem you know—he did a lil’ song and dance on YouTube which was pretty cool and made me —RIDICULOUSLY— happy in terms of telekinetic activity ;oD

Sigh…and then I couldn’t sleep last night, and today has just been so bleak-house—the cigs I got on the way home from the doctors appointment at Giant Eagle were stale and makin’ me sick but of course, so I quit those.  But then, it was sunny and 72 degrees yesterday and yet, sigh

Cloudy and like, 41 degrees todaysnowing no less, throughout the afternoon and evening, I have no cigs because I threw them all away earlier today…

The prior telekinetic presence of MBM-III in my heart has now warped to just dark/empty space ;0(

And yet, having gotten that all out now—I actually do feel a bit better!  A bit lighter, I suppose—in any case ;o(

It just feels like, I don’t know…

It just feels like I don’t know what I’ma do with the rest of my life, and that is kinda scary.  And, I am so super tired right now—so, I would be questioning whether anyone else out in the Universe can even hear me.  You know, on Twitter, on my blogs, lol…

Now I’m —CRYING— ;oD

I’m smiling wide, but also crying—because I do feel lonely.  And even though I know I am healing—because I can, feel a difference in my heart; there’s just no way to explain that to my father—who doesn’t read my blogs, hasn’t read my book, hasn’t seen either of those two mental-health movies I made for the legislatures.  He hasn’t read any of my advocacy papers—the only thing I think he’s read is that letter I sent out to Ohio’s General Assembly in December of 2013 about Frozen, the one I’d copied in email to Disney.  The one he thought was stupid—‘cause “nobody cares,” that’s what he said, to me.  The experience about which I’d described in that first movie for Ohio’s Senate Civil Justice Committee that I submitted in January 2014—talkin’ ‘bout my dad, in conjunction with chronic suicidal ideation.

He’s just, ABSENT.  Absent in the heart.  And, he doesn’t think things through before he opens his mouth—and he causes all this wreckage, regarding which he is either unaware, or just does not CARE.  And, I am left to pick up the pieces.  Lol…

Nahhh, I’m okay, just real tired right now, but don’t worry—I, did do ten years worth of therapy.  And, I’ll be okay—I just had’a get that out’a me.

Sigh…

I do feel lonely.  I regret nothing—and I full well knew I’d reach this peak of loneliness and isolation from the very beginning.  Well, no, strike that.  I had no idea I’d come this far, and that’s because the path upon which I’ve journeyed the past 3-years—did not even EXIST, before I created it.

Nietzsche prepared me for this—often lonely, and sometimes frightened, but no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself (and, notably, where the cost of not doing so is death by suicide in any case).  So, it just is what it is.  I am tired, 2016 has been absolutely exhausting—horrific in some ways and magnificent in others, and the whole way through I’ve kept hold of the light.

And in all honesty, I may not know what my future holds—but, I suppose it’s at least some kinda crazy consolation to think that, **America** too, is in the same boat.  And we’re sailin’.  And it’s gonna be amazin’.  But, so long as I’m attached to this body—I really do have to both:  (1) eat, and (2) sleep!

So, off I go!  America and I—we’re gonna be great!  Off I go!

All my lovin’…

Later

Oh and P.S. an hour later ;oD

Ohh I can’t even remember!

Off to bed Miss Maris—you will feel so much BETTER, tomorrow!