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Reflection from August 13th, 2002 @ Age 21

RE:  NEO-FASCIST REGIME CHALLENGED BY NAMELESS FREEDOM FIGHTER—CHECK; YOUNG WOMAN TORTURED (UNKNOWINGLY, BY SAID FREEDOM FIGHTER) UNTIL SHE REVEALS SHE WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BETRAY FREEDOM FIGHTER—CHECK; FREEDOM FIGHTER FOREVER FREES YOUNG WOMAN FROM TORTURE & FEAR—CHECK; FREEDOM FIGHTER TELLS YOUNG WOMAN HE LOVES HER & THEN DIES LEAVING HER IN CHARGE—CHECK; YOUNG WOMAN TAKES CONTROL & REVEALS THAT FREEDOM FIGHTER IS **ALL** OF US—CHECK; GAME OVER—NEW BEGINNING, **BEGINS** ;oD

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things daily recently, and often find myself more confused than ever!  Ohh but I was thinking…maybe these intense feelings and such are due to PMS?!  Because I did get my period today.  I’ll have to keep an eye out.

Okay, very disgusting but I have terrible gross smelly gas tonight!  I’m thinking I’m most definitely very very lactose intolerant?  I’ll have to cut out all milk and cheese tomorrow and see if it helps.  Oof!

Bella told me her dad would get her a BMW if she goes and graduates from law school.  And he’ll pay for school!  Grrrr!  But really, just something to do after Denison for a nice car even though she already has a nice car!  All the wrong reasons, but who am I to talk?  The nerve!  I have a fine lovely car and am very happy to have it, and will not be a bitch and be greedy and silly about silly things.  That’s my choice!  (Even though my feelings report otherwise!)

I spoke with JenJen last night and told her about my Becky feelings and she understood!  Whew!  She also brought up the glass wall thing—which is so true because Becky is nice and all, but you can’t get close to her and she is always so annoyingly happy too.  I’m happy JenJen knows what I mean!  Only two days of work left at Checksmart!  Hoorah!

I’m getting very excited to be back at school—and don’t know what to expect, but I am wanting to have a lot of fun this year.  And much bonding too, as it is the last year!  I can’t believe I’m a senior in college!  And still can’t get over being 21!  It’s so strange to be this age.  It seems as though no one can really believe it though.  Aw well, must go…work’s over!

Later

Jesus, sometimes I think it would just be absolute heaven to keel over and die—and put this mind to rest finally and for all!  I mean, people are so goddamn scared of dying—but the more I think about it, the more it seems like a wonderful thing…to be out of this world full of so much jealousy and hatred and greed.  And fucking fear.

For some reason I remembered the night from last year in Bobby and Andrew’s room, when they all and Jen, Becky, Anne, and whoever the fuck else was there—were playing Cranium, and I said the answer out loud and they all got super pissed at me.  I still don’t understand fully the dynamics that happened that night…why I was so inclined to say the answer out loud (which I was)—and why they all got so pissed anyways, because Jesus Christ it was only a fucking game.  It sounds whiney and stupid, but that quite possibly was…well I can’t say the worst night of my life—because I know there could be much more terrible things that could happen…but it still really sucked and really hurt my feelings, and made me just want to hate everyone and go into hiding and never come out again.  Well…maybe not quite the hiding thing, but for me it felt pretty goddamn terrible.  And Danny was even there too, and he didn’t have a goddamn thing to say either.  Motherfuckers, the whole lot of them that night!

I still can’t get over this Becky hatred.  Hate even more now, is consuming me into its trap somehow?  I mean, what the fuck?  But Jesus, I do even hate that name for Christ’s sake.  Not sure what all the biblical references are for!  I’m mad at religion for making no goddamn sense and for being life-haters…well Catholicism anyways, not all.

And this is just my fucking point.  Nonsense!  All of this chicken scratch—all of these days…everything just seems like unorganized nonsense these days.  The whole fucking goddamn world and I can’t explain why.

All I know is that I feel like an idiot if I don’t try to understand things, but an even bigger idiot when I do.  So, I guess sometimes, I do still wonder about the point of it all.

And half the time these days, I just feel like there is this game that I am supposed to be out there playing—and yet I am not, because I don’t even know where I would start and I wouldn’t know what I was doing; and most of the time, I feel like there are just things right in front of me and they’ve been there for awhile—and will be there for awhile and yet, no matter whether they are there or not…I am just not seeing them.  You know?

I guess it’s kind of the whole searching-for-something, but not knowing what you are searching for.  I dunno.  Well oof, I’m tired and going to bed.  Very very very much so hope this all makes sense someday.  One day?  Maybe?  Ohh please God, give me a fucking clue!