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Reflection from July 26th, 2014 @ Age 33

RE:  DIONYSIANS LIVING IN AN **APOLLINIAN** HELL ;oD

I am limited by my human condition, a circumstance with which I continue to struggle.  I don’t know how to escape it.  I don’t know how to do it constructively, and most notably—quickly enough to save all those on my watch who are suffering.

Lainey’s mom is in the hospital again.  I feel so fucking helpless…it’s just awful…and the feeling is just ongoing.

I think Lainey just texted back…

I’ll return briefly with an update…

Later

Ohh my God…

I’m at the hospital ;0/

Time to go in…

Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end.  It will be fine Maris.  Better than fine…

You will be great

Just go be with your people ;0)

!!!

Go forth!

Right now!

Later

I’m putting lots of things together today…as in, like, making lots of connections and things.  Drawing lots of conclusions and that sort of thing…

All day yesterday and really quite the entire morning also today, I was enthralled with the idea of actually having a “beautiful mind”—i.e., like, as in…one of the great ones, of like, you know—all time.

And knowing it during my lifetime—what a dream it seemed like!  But now I find myself questioning my questioning of that and it’s really very confusing…

I went to see Lainey’s mom tonight, and realized that “my people” can really be quite self-centered sometimes.  They also lie to themselves a lot—that I realized today with Lainey’s mom, who told me she’s lucky because she “has her own business” and that sort of thing…

I’m not an idiot—I know her husband’s money supports her living habits.  And then this “Dan the Experience” guy on the Internet—he’s all, like, I’m just gonna “take off” for a little while and “go west,” that sort of thing…

I learned today that my people really are, VERY frustrating!!  So that was interesting, I guess…

And then I watched the second-half of the season finale of Black Box—this show about this beautiful woman who too, has a beautiful mind, who is a doctor—a neurologist I think she is, this beautiful woman on this very interesting television show.  And notably, I wouldn’t even have been watching it, had this Marie Dyak at the EIC told me about it ahead of time—like, I put it in my calendar and recorded it and everything.  And I notably did that, because Marie had specifically said to me, that this was like “ground-breaking” news for the “entertainment” industry—this show’s season finale and the “work” that the EIC had done in conjunction with the show to help “educate” as to “mental illness.”  The show was super discriminatory—bad acting almost the entire second-half through (which was actually surprising…given this female lead, who really is a pretty awesome actress, for TV…) and basically I’m still processing it—but there were a bunch of random points thrown in there which made it very, very confusing for me…

Like, how people “frame” the “mentally ill” to get us into trouble (i.e. to support their own conflicting personal interests, etc. etc.)—what else?  Umm…I don’t even know…and I say it’s “processing” and really I’m just quite wondering whether I too—and not just Lainey’s mom—am about to “fall apart,” as they say—in a nice, big, lovely fit of manic self-combustion…

I’d swear to you—to God, to you and upon the eyes of my unborn children—that they are all just following me, just waiting for it to happen!  It’s a little, umm…I don’t know!

It’s a little umm…

I don’t know—it’s all just so very “coincidental” ;0)

Ohh…okay, so…I met with Senator Coley this past Wednesday ;0)

Hah…it’s true…I did ;0)

And he was super discriminatory too!  Yeah!  Like, when I mentioned the LGBT “movement” as having been very helpful in use as a parallel—like with the use of the whole “coming out of the closet” theme, and how people really do get what that means—like the fear associated with same…

I didn’t put it together until last night—Friday night at dinner at the counter at Whole Foods with my parents…

I was going on and on about how wonderfully well things are all setting themselves up for me now…like the books (1 and 2 now!!) in regard to that unsolicited follow-up Twitter message I got from “Vincenzo” the literary agent last week.  Like how Representative Stinziano seemed to indicate to me that he would be interested in helping me learn about politics as it relates to his campaign this coming fall campaign season.  Like, how I got a whole list of people in the Ohio Senate and House from Coley and Emily in regard to getting that all started.  So I don’t know—I mean, those all seem like pretty awesome things…

So why the fear?  Why the fear within me, now (notably)…

Because of Black Box?  Because of all the “discrimination” that I see on TV which must (of course ;0) mean it’s “real”?  Why me, and why now?  Because Lainey’s mom fell apart for the 9-millionth time in her life after her family full of enablers keep cleaning up her messes for her, because she’s just too dang-on fragile to clean them up herself?  Is that why?

No, no—there were two notable points on the show tonight…

First, the difference is that Iaccept that my actions have consequences and that I am responsible for same.  And second—that I clean up my own messes.  Always have—always had to, thanks to the ever-dwindling supply of family $$.  And now it is that same lack of money that is saving me—it is saving my humanity…not having any money is saving me.

Not having any money is causing me to face the truth, except notably—with a mind that is not only brilliantly creative, but also, fully-educated.  I am fully psychologically armed—I mean, that’s what makes this whole situation almost humorous

Because of “book month,” because of all these hundreds and hundreds of journal entries and thousands of pages of writing and because of my book “Cultivating Beauty” and because of David

I don’t know…

It’s just like, the Universe is now simply sewing up the seams

Reap what you sew…that’s what they say, no?

You reap, what you sew

If that’s really the case—then we’re in for one helluva show ;0)  Hah…

What fun!  What fun this is!  To prove them wrong

The mentally “sane” ones—the supposedly “civil” ones…the most notably, normal ones…

What fun…

It’s actually great fun and super depressing all at the same time.  The fact that I have to be the one who looks so goddamned sad all the time…

The fact that I’m on food stamps…and afraid to go to the grocery store even, even despite having over $350 on my food stamps card for debit…

They do not cover “toiletries”…like soap, or toothpaste…they only cover frozen and canned foods and nothing hot and no toiletries.  It’s like, hah…what the hell?!!  ;0)

How am I supposed to —clean— myself?!!

So, I’m just eagerly awaiting for “them” to call in regard to my SSDI “activities of daily living” so that I can inform them that food stamps do not cover soap and accordingly, how very, very dirty I am now as a result.  I just don’t know what is —wrong— with these people…

I mean, they literally seem like idiots to me…

I’m not sure how anyone else who is fully-educated could arrive at any answer different from that perception…

It’s just endlessly confusing…

Which I suppose, then, is also, what I love most about it ;0)

It’s such a big, huge puzzle to figure out…

I mean, it is literally now, like I am taking my education and transferring it from theory, over into reality…

It’s just so very entirely and utterly and exhaustingly, bizarre

I can’t believe Senator Coley discriminates against gay people…

I can’t believe Senator Coley really did do what he did, because I made him do so at the fear of public humiliation as a consequence.  It’s just so fucking bizarre that I learned about public humiliation—like, how to do it, on David.  And how Dave is now dead and I am still living…

It just makes no sense here…unless I really am, meant to be living…

I mean…I did try a somewhat forgone exit strategy in September 2012, only to find an altogether alternative conclusion.  The Universe wants me here…that is the only rational explanation for such circumstance…

The present sense too, I mean—all the fucking way THROUGH!!  I mean, S.B.43 and everything—Jeffrey Allen Brown Esquire and the divorce, and all the medical malpractice bullshit…all this bullshit that these other human beings have put me through

Only to arrive at the hospital to hear Lainey’s mom tell me her foregone conclusion—have to take the meds

Black Box—same exact fucking conclusion…

Have to take the meds.  The only question really here remaining is, what will happen next?

Very interesting now, isn’t it?  Don’t you see?

It’s the humility—the acceptance of consequences of my actions, the notably non-enabling family which surrounds me…

I am meant to do this—this “work” that I am doing here…

I am meant to do it.

I was born to do it ;0)

So, it certainly should be getting very interesting here lol…

Now that I have my energy back and all…

I just cannot believe I walked into that stupid fucking hospital room, only to find a grown womanliterally behaving as if she were shamed for not having taken these toxic medications…

Literally, it was eye-opening…

I just couldn’t believe it…

Still can’t…

It’s like the witches of Salem allover— again!!

It’s about goddamned —time— now, our spirits be set free…

I’m goin’ flying

I’ma keep practicing with these wings ;0)

These wings Senator Coley helped me mend back together again…

I just cannot believe it…

I don’t even know what else to say…