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Reflection from October 15th, 2014 @ Age 33

RE:  THE STATUS OF MY PSYCHE JUST *PRIOR* TO ITS COMPLETE RECALIBRATION, I.E. SHATTERING OF THE ILLUSION OR, ENLIGHTENMENT—A.K.A. THE *LIFTING* OF THE VEIL ;0)

Last time I checked, which was just a sec ago or so…

I’m very, very, VERY—

T—I—R—E—D—!

So I guess that’s a good sign, seeing as though I fought my way through Google and YouTube logistics efficiently and effectively this AM so as to get Becoming Mary Jane—Take I up “online,” wherever the hell that is!  Nahh, just kiddin’.  I took Google/YouTube’s “safety” OFF, and sent it out worldwide just a minute or so ago—because I have safety enough for the BOTH of us (i.e. being *just* one whole now and all).  We’ll see if anything exciting ever comes to happen.  In this meantime though, all my lovin’ ;0)

Ohh P.S. in any case…

Still reading Eleanor’s “Tomorrow is Now” and it is beyond, excellent!

Later

So I dunno really where anything stands still yet with external affairs, but I’m doing well as a whole—so I count that as a blessing, for certain!

I took D for a walk around the cal-de-sac just here like 20-30 minutes ago, and a car drove in from the darkness and it was very darkbut for four little horizontal red lights at the top of this vehicle, where the dash-view mirror would be I think, right around that locale anyways.  And I thought it might be a cop car at first.  But then Dietrich was pulling me around and around the cal-de-sac to the other side, just past “Murphy’s” ol’ brick house—whose wife I’m pretty sure it was just one or two days back, braved across the street to say “hi” to my mom or dad.  One of the two or both, I just don’t know—I was listening from the second floor, through the open window.

But I’m pretty sure it was the wife of that man I spoke with before.  The sheepish one who only arrived at his own front door after I explained to his wife what he’d done—blocking me into the driveway with his car, and scolding me like a child and all because he’s so slow.  Anyways, I think it was her; and she came closer and said something like, she just wanted to introduce herself because they’ve been my parents’ neighbors for so long.  2014 – 2004 = 10 years or like, a decade—and it seemed strange to her all of a sudden I suppose, that she/they or however, had never yet been introduced.  So that was kinda nice to hear ;0)

But anyways, back to tonight, just previously with their neighbor—to the right side if you’re facing forward towards their house looking across the cal-de-sac (WTF does that phrase even mean, I do wonder!).  Anyway, Dietrich’s pulling me over to this guy’s driveway and kind of almost barking, and so I was curious as to what that was all about.  And we get closer, and the man—I’m not sure what he was doing!  He’d parked in the driveway and gotten out of the driver’s side of the car, and was just outside of it—bending down towards the earth, doing God knows what.  To be entirely honest, it appeared as though he was gathering the leaves around his feet—that’s what it seemed like, anyway.  And I said “hi,” and he missed it and/or ignored me or was just altogether entranced with the leaves or whatever you know.  I mean who ever, really KNOWS—you know?  But in any case…

I was slightly hoping he wasn’t bending down to load a semi-automatic or anything.  But as we got closer, Dietrich started to calm down and we arrived at the foot of his driveway and I said “hi” again—and he seemed very bewildered by the comment.  So I added, “how are you?” and then who knows what happened from there—much confusion.  I think “good[s]/how are you[s]” were exchanged; I’m pretty sure.  And here it is, all dark outside—I could hardly even see him, just his silhouette through lamplight you know.  And so I said, “well I hope you have a good evening,” and he said something to the effect of, “you’re too sweet.”  But I’m pretty sure it was meant in a kind way—so, that was pretty nice as well (I think?).

Anyways, other than that, another “family” member of a seriously mentally ill son that’d killed himself, who I’d met at the Disability Rights Ohio joint-interview session with Alan Johnson from The Columbus Dispatch—she went ape shit/bat crazy on me over the past two or three weeks.  So I compiled the evidence into the final version, which turned out to be Exhibit E (hah…cross ref. with ecstasy and all—the “drug” from college, during my Denison daze sophomore year).  Anyways, I compiled it though not in chronological “time” order for the first time (I’ve never done that so, woo hoo!) and, showed how she was tripping even without the “aid” of acid—although, in all fairness and honesty, I think I may have been the “acid” causing her mind to “trip” up all berserk like, and out of order…

So I used my handy dandy PDF compiler tool (which I’d somehow found for free “online”—wherever that is; I guess “geographically” speaking—still haven’t figured that science out) but, I compiled it to perfection (although, I just posted it so we’ll see if there’s any “response” from the chorus).  But in the meantime, I’ve been flighty as ever on Twitter, which has been therapeutically fun in the sense of sending messages out into the Universe!  Even if, nobody is listening.  But I think we’ve already established that “crickets” can be, a good sign—a.k.a. causing others to think and ponder, which is excellent.

Otherwise, Alan Johnson, i.e. my very hot and cold reporter (“)friend(”?) at The Columbus Dispatch was all warm last week—wanting to take me out to lunch.  I said I had no money for food and that I’m actually not sure of the status of my car insurance either; and he even went so far as to tell me he would come and pick me up at my home.  He did!  But then, he also said he was thinking Thursday this week (which is now tomorrow I’m pretty sure—already?) and also, that he’d let me know on Tuesday (i.e. yesterday) the time at which we’d go.  And then I haven’t heard back from him since then, so who the eff knows.  I, well…

New paragraph and all…

I also may have a “psych” evaluation scheduled by The Ohio Department of Medicaid tomorrow—and I have no idea if I have to go or not, because the Medicaid has already been granted.  So I gotta call about that in the AM and also about setting up my medicaid “plan” option in coordination with my psychologist and psychiatrist, and then SSDI called and said my “disability” benefits have been granted (hoorah!) and to call so they can get the payments started.  I have no idea WHY a telephone call is necessary because they already have my bank account info for direct deposit.  But I have to call anyways because they for some reason, said in the “decision” letter that they owe me 5 x $1,500 worth of monthly payments for May through September 2014.  $1,500 x 5 = $7,500 (!!!) and then also, I need to figure out all this reimbursement procedure since it…

Well, no no.  That’s for Medicaid.  Reimbursement for out of pocket medical payments I made since January 1st, 2014 when Medicaid went into effect—which, thank you to Governor Kasich and I suppose, marginally to T. Russell though I still despise that guy’s guts (not “hatred,” but definitely despise—for surely and without doubt).  Which reminds me that I also received a very sweet email from MY Godfather a.k.a. Uncle Rich, suggesting we open a dialogue which is kinda pretty really superbly awesome and super cool in and of itself—but as it happens, he’s also an accountant…

So maybe he would know the answer to that question I’d had about NAMI Ohio’s IRS Form-990 “lobbying” exception with my key then, to their…bankruptcy?!!  NAMI Ohio’s I mean—which then too I suppose also, all their local affiliates in Ohio as WELL…

Bahhahhaha ;0)

So anyways, I guess the point is—good things are happening all around.  The Pope himself this week even decided for Catholicism, it was time to welcome in the gay/lesbian community and appreciate the good they have to offer!  So that was pretty exciting to hear too!  But one last point to recall about this fortnight in particular…

When I was walking Dietrich this AM we were pretty far out in the ‘hood, the place where you pass the sign there—which reminds me, this sign that says, “This Way to Home” ;0)

But further down that street, perpendicular I think to Scioto Chase (which incidentally leads back to home), there was a big mess a “trash” at the bottom of someone’s driveway.  And so we passed, Dietrich and I.  And then I saw behind a bookshelf attachment for the top of a desk, it appeared to be—a picture in a frame; but facing the opposite direction and of course I was so curious as to what it might be, we turned quick back on course to see what it be—rounded the corner to find in the bend not a picture at all, but a mirror reflecting back at reality.

Now, why a mirror (of reality, hah!) would be out for trash collection I think I’ll never quite know for sure—but the ghost houses sure are starting to light up like the fireballs of evil they are…

Just as “Adam” was, as well—err, how he used to do, anyhow…

Sometimes I do wonder; not frequently, but from time to time—when I hear about how bad the air pollution is getting n’ all…

I do wonder if he’s still kicking and breathing with that “new” (a.k.a. recycled) set a pipes he received.  Lainey asked me once, and in my disbelief, my “no” in response—as to whether I would “feel” anything at all if/when I see his obit in the paper.

You can never be too certain about these matters of the heart, of course.  But I said the only thing when we get to that point in time, the only thing that would make me feel anything remaining of the fictional (a.k.a. dying) “Adam” that I actually fell in love with (who, obviously, when the threat of death was removed—so too, took with it, his heart)…

I told her the only way I’d feel anything at all for this stranger of the most curious(ly abusive) type, would be if he left all his money to me—because the “real” Adam valued money most, even over me.  And so that, at least from all that I can “see” from present time—would be his one final act to redeem for me.  And let’s just leave it at this ;0)

I’m not holding my breath for it, hah…

But it sure as all hell would surprise even me—with the doubt looming over that scenario and in any case it’s time for bed now, just after I see if my “backup” has re-figured out how to actually perform, said backup function.  When I was mid-creation on BMJ—Take I, I was a bit OCD in terms of backing things up ;0)

So who knows…

Maybe they just needed a lit-tle, rest

I guess we’ll see…

All my love and be back soon God-willing and in conjunction with Mother Nature and the Laws of Ethics and FDC and all that sorta thang ;0)

All my love, straight from the heart.