Reflection from June 1st, 2016 @ Age 34
RE: THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS.
Hi. It’s me. As if you didn’t know ;oD
I’m very sore. My body, that is—not my mind or my heart. Those guys are doing famously. My body—not, so much! Nahh, she’s okay but sore for sure! I’ve been running quite a bit—err, interval training would be the more accurate way to put it. Sprinting, walking, sprinting, walking—EXCITING ;oD
I’m in a weird mood. These were my two fortunes from last month:
“HE WHO HESITATES IS LAST.”
“YOUR PATH IS ARDUOUS BUT WILL BE AMPLY REWARDING.”
Nice—huh? So, I did get on top of that, and now I am all done reading and analyzing Hobby Lobby a.k.a. United States Supreme Court circa 2014 and just about to begin writing. And I —AM— terrified! Isn’t that funny? Lol, funny in the interesting sense that I have no idea what is going to happen; I simply know all I have to do is —TRY— and that thereafter, it’s gonna be great! Truly…
I mean it! So anyways, otherwise I’ve just been fertilizing plants and hosing down front porch furniture and doing laundry and making lists today! Which was nice; I’ve really got —QUITE— the tan going already and June just started today! Aghhh…
I am —NERVOUS— though!
Actually, I have two cards sitting here that I’m gonna write out and send tomorrow. One for my cousin Heather—a sympathy card for her friend who passed away; the other for Senator Coley—for his birthday! Mhmm! He’s a Gemini as well! And Marilyn Monroe’s was today—and Nicole Kidman’s with me on the 20th, and I’m pretty sure Amy Schumer’s in there somewhere as well! All kinds’a Gemini’s to go around! ;0)
Alright, well anyway—maybe I’ll tell Senator Coley how nervous I am. Sigh…
Maybe that’ll help. I’m going to be fine! Better, even. This’s gonna be so great Maris, that the next time you sit down to write you’re gonna get this —SAME— “can I possibly top my self?!!” feeling ;0)
Honestly baby girl! It’s gonna be amazing. AND, most importantly, you get done; then it’s forever —OUT— of your system!!!
Doesn’t that sound nice? Mhmm…
P.S. I’ve been getting the feeling that WAY back in the day—Jen used me. Isn’t that interesting? Like after Catherine and I broke off our friendship, and I was feeling down because I just didn’t feel good enough to compete with her perfect Pi-Phi friends; and there was Jen—the diehard Pi Phi pledge that Pi Phi flat-out rejected. And in she swooped to pick me up in my own vulnerability, and we bonded over our (?) “distaste” (?) for Pi Phi and/or Catherine. Now that I think about it, Jen kind of disgusts me. Disgusts me in the sense that it causes me to wonder to what extent—for her, I was again, just a play thing.
I mean I haven’t been dwelling on it really—I think enough so, that I felt the need to sit here and write this all out. But otherwise, it, well, I wouldn’t say it bothers me so much as I just kinda feel like I’m beginning to see Jen’s dark side clearly. Clearly—or fully, I mean; lol, who knows! It’s just interesting though. It actually kind of reminds me of the process I’ve gone through with a lot of different people; I guess, grieving the death of the relationship and at long last, FINALLY—letting go.
It kind of feels amazing, actually. Kind of in the same (or, similar) sense of the process with letting Dave go. I loved him and he was no good for me—no good to me; and my love for him turned into a cancer and damn near killed me. And the rest is history—except not, because it’s quite the new-fangled twist to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet ending. Thank God! ;0)
See now, dang’t! Now I feel like there’s some parallel here that I am not yet seeing; but that is written out, I mean spelled out —CLEARLY— in these prior pages today, as it relates them, to my relationships with Senator Coley and JenJen. Which really makes me sad; to the point where I almost feel like I oughtn’t to send him this birthday card. It’s kind of a sickening feeling; like our relationship has been way more beneficial for him, than it has been for me. Isn’t that weird? A.K.A. strange and interesting…
Or, as Beyonce would say: terrifying and strange and beautiful. That I am; and so too here, I keep on learnin’!
Sigh. I think it is the last card to Senator Coley. Sigh…
Well, I knew this day would come. It is bittersweet, but I can feel—not as bittersweet, as it’s gonna be. Once the books and movies are done, I mean.
You’re gonna be great, Miss Maris!
Okay, this is slightly complex—but at the same time, not really.
Let’s see how I do—enunciating ;0)
I do keep getting this nagging feeling from Jen, saying, “how could you?!!” And yes—almost exactly in the sense of the ending in The Wizard of Oz when the Wicked Witch of the W-E-S-T is moanin’ n’ groanin’ as she slowly melts away; or whatever happens to her, you know the part that I mean.
Well anyways, with that in mind—it’s kind of like this:
So, spirit is —ENERGY— right, energy of a certain caliber or, energy at different wavelengths a.k.a. energy at different levels of consciousness. So my energy now, is at the highest level—enlightenment right…
But along my journey to this place, I passed through all the other prior levels of consciousness (whatever those are). So now, in order for me, at least, to reach enlightenment—I had to be open-minded, right…
And so, along the way (i.e. along my journey), I was super open-minded not to mention innocent. And so during that time period, when my mind was open, I let other people in: at times, (A) voluntarily a.k.a. via love, but at many other times, (B) involuntarily a.k.a. people hacked their way in for less than “admirable” reasons and I didn’t know how to get them out. Hence, the need to write, and how writing did help—but also hence my inability to heal the damage caused by those people (B’s, but also A’s who then became B’s). So anyway…
Then, we come up upon 2013/14 right, and essentially what I did with the legislative advocacy gig is, I used my —SELF— as the example. I mean, honest to God—I put my self up there on the cross, admitted all my sins, made all my amends, did the grand gesture sacrificing myself for other people; and then what did they do? They let me crash and burn—and hence, I was crucified, burned, and rose from the ashes. It’s really that simple folks… ;0)
Truly—so then I rise and reach enlightenment; and then I shift into Nirvana right. And Nirvana is essentially the process by which I’m just collecting back all that spirit, all that —ENERGY— that all those people stole from me along the way. It’s just all floating on back. So you have JenJen for example—and she’s learned the truth, and she is no longer able to keep that energy she stole from me. What I gave her willingly and she received from me with pure heart—I think that we will share, she and I, for the rest of all eternity (hence, the comparison to David). But otherwise, all that energy she stole from me—it’s now leaving her and returning back to me. And not just her—Bobby, Charity, Adam, those guys who raped me in high school; it’s like they’re all simultaneously deflating. I —HAVE— taken back what is mine with blood and fire.
Write with blood and you will soon find, that blood is Spirit. NIETZSCHE
Free Spirit = FIRE.
Yo, some crazy wonderful stuff is ‘bout’a happen! ;oD
It all makes sense now.
I crossed an —OCEAN— of words, and I found —YOU— a.k.a. myself as one, whole being; my return to innocence—my original state upon arrival at Planet Earth in flesh—returned to home, HEAVEN —> in —ONE— sense, to the place from whence I came. Sigh…
But still all fleshy! Blech! Lol…
But it’s not so bad. In fact, NEVER been better ;oD
This is my time now. Let’s make it count ;oD
It feels so —APPROPRIATE— that there’s a big black cat on the front of this ‘ere journal, all —UP— n’ leather-bound. Lol ;0)
P.P.S. or whatev’s! Something happened when I wrote; all those years, heart bleeding—I put that blood down to paper by way of my mind. It’s almost as if the act of doing that—preserved, my spirit. All that original energy of mine that others stole; hence my broken heart, hence the bleeding, hence the blood down unto paper by thought and action—self will. It’s like—well, lol, I think that ACT, that habit of mine—I think it preserved the claim for later appeal upon my arrival at the gate, for my final judgment. And I passed —YO— ;0)
Mama always said, I’m one —HELLUVA— test taker ;0)
Grr! My hand’s getting TIRED ;oD
What was I gonna say…
Ohhh now, I—wait, wait! Here it is! I found it! The attachments—those were the CHAINS. All those attachments, to all those less than admirable people who locked me up into chains. Not that I was always a purely admirable person; but I always did my very best—and for all those times I came up short, sigh…
Thank —GOD— for AA and all those amends. Sigh…
It’s so strange that something very huge is happening here, and yet it is all beneath the surface. Such that to look at me physically—just sittin’ here writin’ in my journal.
My habit—yo writing is, lol, —SO— much more my preference than, wearin’ that black and white —NUN— clothing! WOW, this does feel magical ;0)
I’m tired now though; but on that note, —SO— looking forward to whatever comes next!
I wonder what in the world I’m gonna feel like when I have all my energy back!
Hopefully I won’t need stimulants anymore! We’ll see! Come what may!
Last thing! (Until the next thing ;0)
I feel like I just finished up writing the end to Cultivating Beauty—with a setup just like Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Wow!
At this point in spacetime my friend, I cannot even —IMAGINE— what in the world’s gonna happen in the last book n’ 1/4 of The Lord of the Rings.
I don’t know what else to say (!)