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Reflection from February 9th, 2014 @ Age 32

RE:  WHEN SOCIOLOGICAL PROGRAMMING SAYS YOU, AS A WOMAN, CAN ONLY FEEL CONFIDENT IF YOUR EXISTENCE IS VALIDATED BY A MAN—WHICH REQUIRES THAT YOU FIND A MAN WHO IS NOT INTIMIDATED BY YOU AND YOUR BEAUTY AND INTELLIGENCE—WHICH THEN REQUIRES THAT YOU SIMPLY ALTER THE SOCIOLOGICAL PROGRAMMING TO MAKE IT MORE HUMANE ;oD

God—do I feel depressed!  I keep getting like this, too!  I don’t know what’s wrong with me!!  Maybe I need to get the fuck out of the house!!  Except, I can’t—because I have no money, and I have no job, and I am bipolar and I don’t know if anyone is going to hire me before I go under financially-speaking like, before the end of the month.  Yeah…

I am scheduled to go under I-don’t-even-fucking-know-when, and this S.B.43 legislation bullshit just keeps going on and on and fucking on!  I was quoted in The Dispatch again yesterday, looking like the asshole they keep making me look like—in order to get their point across that they are supporting the conflicting-interests; not my interests, and not the interests of my mentally-ill people either.  I mean, I thought well hah fucking hah…I’ll sit down and watch “Silver Linings Playbook” and then, I’ll feel motivated to write this proposal for the AG for tomorrow!!  What an idiot!  I couldn’t be more depressed now—and I just feel like this is never going to end; and I can’t see how it could even possibly, end well, blah blah blah…I know I’m just tired.

I’m tired because I was quoted in The Dispatch again yesterday, in an “editorial” published by Mister Glenn Sheller over at the little Columbus newspaper joint here in town—they just keep making me look like a goddamned asshole and I was fucking sick of it…so I took him out this morning too; and did a double on Terry Russell at good ol’ NAMI Ohio.  It does slightly make me fucking wonder though, whether anyone even cares—or, if they actually, consciously want to cause us harm and treat us inhumanely.  I guess people used to feel like that against like, black people, and really women too!  So, actually, maybe that’s exactly it.  Maybe that’s why I feel so goddamned depressed then.  I guess it all makes sense then, doesn’t it?

Sigh…it’s so depressing.  I don’t even know what to do about it.  I just want to go to bed.  I was so mad, I stayed in bed this morning—I mean, I slept from like 11pm to 5am, but then I got up and I sent the email for my “responsive-editorial” this morning at like 11am or something.  I don’t know.  This whole entry is stupid—I’m just tired.  It’s not stupid—and it’s not that I’m “just” tired actually, either.  I’m just exhausted and my whole entire future is up in the air and I’m too tired, because of those assholes now, to write this proposal.  And then this proposal just sounds so boring—like after doing that whole compromise for Senate Bill 43 that nobody probably even looked at!!  No, I know that’s not true either…

See, this is why it’s pointless to journal when I’m so goddamned tired.  I mean, I guess it’s good that I keep talking myself out of the tangled web of lies this society spins…I mean, that’s good—but it’s just so tiring; and I’m just so tired and I think I might just go take a nap—even though I just took a Focalin.  Boy was that movie depressing.  You could just feel the discrimination against mentally-ill people like—right through the fucking TV screen.

Actually, I know what would make me feel awesome right about now ;0)  If I would go lay down in bed with my computer and watch my own movie hah ;0)  Like, the one that I made hahahha…I know!  It’s true though!  I’m so funny and smart and witty and kind and loving and caring and endearing and beautiful and just all those wonderful things—I really just light up the screen!  ;0)  Yep!  See, I feel better already!  Here I go now!  Better already…yes here I come!!