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Reflection from May 4th, 2013 @ Age 32


He would never have even had a chance at being one of them, as long as he was with me.  Between my illness threatening unemployment and my massive student debt, he’d never have had a chance at the rich kids’ crowd so long as I was hanging around.  So he knocked me off.

‘Cept now, he’s never gonna have a chance to be in with their crowd either, and, of course, he’ll never have a chance with me again.  And of course also, he’s the guy who wasn’t there for his wife who was there with him every step of the way through his double lung transplant, the girl who “didn’t flinch.”  She doesn’t even flinch,“ Nicole said.  When she told her friends about me, from college, ones that knew Adam, she said, “I would have been a mess but this girl, she doesn’t even flinch.”  This girl who does not flinch to take a beating when it comes to saving love—this girl who nearly dies when love takes its beating out on her.

‘Cept I know it wasn’t love that beat me, I know it was evil.  I know it was Adam’s abuse.  And I know Adam was a victim of abuse too.  I just don’t know where that puts me in the whole mess.  I guess alive, and still struggling.  That’s where it has put me.  His attorney writes mine and wants us to note to the court that we didn’t really mean it when we said that they are almost two months late on submitting their discovery.  What an idiot.  I mean this girl is DUMB.  Unbelievably dumb she is, you just wouldn’t even believe it.  And I guess the one thing she has going for her is that I can’t even possibly tell whether she’s even playing games or not, because I’d say it’s equally plausible she’s just as dumb as she might otherwise be pretending to be.  I can’t even tell she’s that talented at playing idiot.  So that is what it is, I suppose.

A car alarm is going off.  I moved my desk over by the window in the front of the house at my parents’ house.  I guess I thought I would like it because it reminded me of how it used to be by the windows at Adam’s house and I guess at Lancashire too, but I don’t know.  Now I really just feel cramped up in the corner, can’t hardly see out the window, and I have a barking dog here too, which is always lovely of course while I’m trying to write my thoughts out.

I started reading this book about “platforms” today.  About building a platform and all.  I think it’s gonna be excellent for me to read and I’ll learn a lot blah blah blah, but honestly, I just feel so f’ing tired.  Today, anyways.  Today I just feel so goddamn m’f’g tired.

Anyways, I noticed just now that I’ve forgotten to say “Adam the Abuser”, “Abuser Adam”, etc. every time I get caught back up in his cycle of abuse.  He’s pretty talented at it, seeing as though he’s even got his mouthpiece of a lawyer accomplishing his abuse for him.  What an idiot she is.  I don’t even feel bad for her anymore because she’s choosing to be his mouthpiece.  If she wants to crash and burn her reputation along with her new hoighty toighty law firm in German Village down to the ground, that’s her own prerogative, no business of mine.  And just to clarify, that does not mean I’m going to go burn down her building.  It means that she’s being an idiot, having to support an entire law firm by herself, to go out whoring as the attorney that she is.  Whatever. 

She’s so annoying though, I’ll be so thankful to never have to hear from this bitch again.  I can’t wait till this m’f’g lawsuit is over.  At least my say is out.  I wish the Court would rule on it already.  I really do.  It’s been 6 whole days past when the Supplemental Affidavits were due.  I just wish they would so dearly much, it hurts my heart every day that goes by to not hear the ruling.  I know I shouldn’t put so much stock in it, but it’s all that I have left.  I put all of me into that paper.  If that’s not enough, then at least I’ll know now that it’s not enough and I can just plan on filing for bankruptcy or slitting my wrists in the near future.  Whatever the case may require.

Well, on that sour note (sorry), I think I’m going to go turn my comforter inside out in the dryer so it dries the rest of the way, pop an Adderall XR, take my nighttime meds and then get some old journals typed up so long as I lay awake.  Maybe I’ll skip the Adderall, I don’t know.  That’s a whole other story, but I really did take only two today thus far, so that was good.  I was tired mostly the entire day and hardly got anything done, but at least I took it as prescribed right?  I mean that’s all that matters now isn’t it?  Right?

Ohh I do have to note one more thought, really just an observation of what happened.  I saw my writing in print for the first time Thursday night when I got the mail and the NAMI Franklin County newsletter came.  It was a pretty amazing feeling until Rach showed up with the kids and then it was just all pretty much downhill from there.  Almost had a fucking fit I can hardly stand not having any place in this entire fucking universe that I can call my own and control in whatever manner I please.  I have this dog now to take care of though, so I guess in that sense it doesn’t even really matter.  He’s barking again at the window.  I don’t know why.  It’s so fucking stupid.  So shrill.

The kids outside are acting like assholes.  That’s why.  Dietrich is forgiven.

Yep.  As I suspected.  Dietrich agrees.


You know, just for the record, I look amazing in my new engagement dress (ol’ time blue) and I’d rather be at home with my parents on a Saturday night than anywhere else with an abusive husband.