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Reflection from May 16th, 2014 @ Age 32

RE:  PICKING UP THE PIECES, AND LEARNING HOW TO PUT *MYSELF* BACK TOGETHER ;0)

Great…now I’ve got some idiot from PAIMI Council stalking me.  I forwarded his harassing email to Senators Coley, Burke and Tavares, and Kirkman and G.Collver at DRO, and then this idiot follows up with another email—to threaten me no less!  We’ll see if I make it through the night!  Boy—do I wish I could have a cigarette right now!!!  But I think I’ll chew my cheeks and wait till sunrise.  What a creep!  Blechhh…

Later

I’m so tired I couldn’t even begin to explain.  More tired than ever before in my life, it seems ;0)

I’m so proud of the letter I wrote to our Attorney General; I couldn’t even begin to explain yet at this particular point in time.  I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I’m so thankful the good was able to prevail against the evil within me.  It was such a close call—it’s causing me to question things.  Like seriously…the particular manner in which I want to lead.  I know consciously, ethically and that sort of thing…patiently and with love and kindness—but I do not know how I will find the continued strength within myself to keep this up.  Most notably, due to my own dire financial circumstance.  As it stands…and I hate to admit it…but as it happens, money is going to play a very important part within this process.  And with all the fury I feel against it, I don’t know how I will overcome my inner wrath to overcome it.  To learn to respect it—money, that is.  I always thought money was evil, from its very nature.  But perhaps it’s the evil nature within man that has caused me to think that.  And if such is the case, then I am capable to overcome it.  I just don’t know how yet.  But I’m sure I’ll figure it out…

And I think admitting the problem is the first step.  So as it seems then, I’m already moving in the right direction, so that’s good.

But in any case, one foot in front of the other Miss Maris…and forward on we do march.

Later

Sigh.  Lots of negative energy here for me to cultivate ;0(

Cultivate into something positive, which undoubtedly, is going to take great energy.  I suppose, energy I will not find sitting here with a cloudy sky, sucking on the opposite side of a lit cigarette.  I am so tired.  Maybe I should go take a nap, I guess.  Or stop smoking cigarettes and go read a book on leadership, better yet.  I don’t know…

I spoke with another “mental health” “advocate” today.  He criticized my political strategy, without even realizing it was a political strategy in the 1st place.  And the sun comes back out ;0)

It’s just so hard here…living here.

Sigh…Mom just came out to water the plants and it kind of makes me want to kill myself.  I don’t know why…I suppose because it ruined my general pleasure in listening to “Same Love”, which I suppose is something in and of itself to think about.  It’s just so irritating that everybody wants to have their own opinion on my work.  I’m very much so an advocate for the motto that, “those who say it cannot be done, should not get in the way of those who are doing it.”  It’s just so frustrating

I don’t know what to do about it—all I know is I have to go do my budget, and I’m not looking forward to it.

I just keep wondering if things will ever get better.  And I suppose in doing so, I simultaneously disregard all of the great work I have accomplished to-date.  I should not let these haters take that away from me.  But alas I am at the crossroads once again—I do not know how yet, to make that happen.  So much yet to make happen and that, in and of itself is a blessing…but I need to stay focused.  And I do know what I need to do to make that happen.

Read, write and exercise.  Meditate.  Eat right.  Choose to remain positive.  So that’s what I’ma do here.  Just after I go have my last cigarette ;0(

Time to quit smoking again.  Doesn’t have to be for ever…just today.  We’ll get to tomorrow when we get to tomorrow…

Love you Maris ;0)