Reflection from June 10th, 2005 @ Age 23
RE: LEARNING HOW TO LOOK AT THE LIGHT, WHILST SIMULTANEOUSLY FIGURING OUT THAT WHATEVER IT IS THAT I CHOOSE TO FOCUS ON—*GROWS* ;0)
Well here I am again at Starbucks before the noon Trinity meeting. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person I was when I turned 23. I’m so thankful for that. Days are still full of struggles, but I feel like I am getting somewhere—growing. And my depression has, for the most part, subsided. What a lucky girl I am.
I’m still thinking of Aaron. I’m sure it’ll pass here sooner or later. After the meeting he came over to talk and invited me to lunch. I couldn’t go because of school stuff but I said thanks for the invite. And then we spoke about him playing that night at Boulevard Blues and he said, “I don’t know how you feel about being in a bar, but you should come.” Or something to that effect.
So Adrienne said she’d go with me and we went, and I’m so glad I did because I really enjoyed it. I mean, I definitely got the social anxiety at times, with the self-doubt and the “I feel like people are looking at me and talking about me and judging me” type of thing. But I can take comfort in who I am today, and especially who I’m becoming and I will eternally be grateful for that. I may not be the “most” anything, but as for my standards—damn am I beautiful, and smart, and funny in an eccentric kind of way, and full of love and the desire to help others—through my work, AA, and in my life just day-to-day.
I pray that God will help me to be a vessel of his love, joy, hope, patience, tolerance, forgiveness and light. What could make one more happy, content and fulfilled than that? It’s hard to say, but I have no better ideas. As they say, my best thinking got me into rehab. Just last fall I wanted to die. To die! To kill myself. But I was so lost, alone and in so much pain. It’s a wonder what such a short length of time can do for a person. It’s really just unbelievable.
So I suppose with my struggle today, I just need to remember it’s only a matter of time. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Otherwise, I trust God has in store for me what I need. I believe in him. Please God—take care of me.
Okay I’m home now. I just went on an extremely successful shopping spree! I got a wooden cross on a brown suede rope necklace from Paris and an ivory bracelet with elephants carved into it with black ink from Spain! How exciting! And let’s see what else. I got the same pair of guess capris I already have (in vintage gray) in white because they fit so well and were on sale! And I got a red tube top that’s elastic-y at the top and waist, loose in between, and has criss-cross halter strings in red with little wooden beads on the ends of the strings. And then I got a really pretty cream and brown print silk babydoll with brown velvet at the waist. And then gray AberSchnaber sweat shorts that are so short, but ohh so comfy and cute!
So that little trip was a lot of fun but I am, nevertheless, feeling lonely. Not extremely lonely, but more than slightly lonely—if that’s at all descriptive. I’m bummed. Bummed out. I want Aaron to call. I want him to call and say, “Thanks for coming last night! I wish I could’ve talked with you after the show.” And then I want to say, “Aaron, is this what you want? To be slightly more than acquaintances and nothing more?” And then I want to talk about it with him and know where he stands. I want to know…
- Is he attracted to me—and if so, is it mentally, physically, or both?
- If he wants to get to know me better.
- If he wants to spend time alone with me to get to know each other better.
- If he wants to kiss me—and if so, if he will right then and there!
- If we can be friends and maybe a little more, be respectful of one another, and thoughtful—and yet still keep it light, as we both have a lot of work on our plates right now.
- More about this three-year AA he dated, when it ended, and who she is.
- Why he responds to my emails and phone calls, but does not ever email me or call me otherwise.
- If he can’t be emotionally available with me, or if he just doesn’t want to be.
- How he can just turn his feelings off like a light switch, and why he didn’t just do that instead of using drugs?
- If he dyes his hair.
I want more. I don’t necessarily need more of him though. So be God’s will. I feel like I’m pushing it though—by keeping this hope.