Reflection from May 15th, 2013 @ Age 31
RE: LEARNING THAT “BEING A HORRIBLE PERSON” IS A **VERY** RELATIVE STATEMENT ;oD
Things feel slightly out of control in my head. Like, the world seems slightly out of control from within my head. Does that make sense?
I get to see Jeffrey Allen Brown Esquire tomorrow. Can’t wait. Got to talk to him on the phone today for like 20 minutes too and it was fun because at the end of all my questions he was like, “whew! You wore me out!!” And I was all like bahhhhhahahhahah! I love him! I don’t have any idea why, except perhaps that he’s the traditional type of guy I would go for—and yet that he’s been married and never divorced. I don’t know, he seems like he would be such a snob! But I adore him! So who the hell knows. Sometimes the rules just don’t apply, or make sense in any sense of the term. That doesn’t even makes sense, I’m just beside myself. I can’t wait till tomorrow morning!
I’m also excited because I talked to Alexander the Jeweler who said he thinks he has the white leather alligator strap in stock to switch out on my Baume and Mercier! Little does he know…
Dietrich is standing on me. He wants me to stop writing…
I’ll be back soon, eventually…
I just keep wondering what’s going to happen tomorrow at the status conference with the judge. I wonder if the magistrate ruled on my motion, I wonder if the judge is going to presume anything less than 100% of the brokerage account as marital and if so, why she would do that when the law clearly states that if not traceable back to separate property, then presumed marital in its entirety. I mean, what the hell?! And I wonder if the magistrate will grant me any relief at all and if so, how persuasive we will have bent him to be. I feel as though I cannot even type, partly because my finger has a crack on the side in the skin which hurts, but partly because my mind is just scattered.
I just feel as though I’m accomplishing nothing, when I know—I know know know that that is clearly not the case! Dietrich just came up and laid right beside me, like on my arm such that it’s hard to even type, but I don’t mind. I’m so glad he can forgive me for being so horrible almost the entirety of his first year of life. I don’t even know why I say that—I wasn’t horrible to him except perhaps when I was at my wit’s last end in September, and then partly October through really present even.
I don’t know, I partly wonder if I can’t ever catch a break because I just won’t ever cut myself one. But who would I be if I did? Surely I would not have come so far had I done so. But I don’t know, I’m not entirely sure whose control that all lines up to. Me and my destiny? Fate in toto? Who knows. All I know is I’m learning to blog and it’s going to be a bit more challenging than I originally had thought. And that’s me speaking too—the girl who’s already journaled almost every third day of her life for the past 13 years if not longer! I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t know.
I do though, I feel like I’m accomplishing nothing and I know at the very same time that that is absolutely not true. I’ve turned a divorce screw-over-Marissa into a divorce-case-against-Adam-the-evil-by-Marissa-the-good. And it’s been a beautiful thing and I’ve learned so much from Jeffrey Allen Brown Esquire’s purview as well, I don’t know how I could ever be thankful to god enough. And yet at the very same time I do know, that the reason I was able to do so was a direct result also of all of my hard work, determination, persistence and simple dislike of being told that I cannot have what I want. I remember, from a somewhat stupid movie I once heard a great quote, saying, “I either get what I want or I change my mind.” I don’t know of many mottos that more fully embody me.
I either get what I want, or I change my mind. That is the manner in which I live my life. If something is important enough to me that I would put everything else necessary aside to accomplish it, then I can and will achieve it. I don’t want to be the President of the United States of America—but I would like to be greatly influential and I would like to be great like this President we currently have for America. I want to be great. I want to be one of the great ones. Marissa Kristina Varcho—one of the great ones. What I want is to be great, and I will have that or I will change my mind and want something else. We will have to wait to see what unfolds, but I don’t plan on changing my mind any time at all.
I know, know, know I am accomplishing many things right now. Relationships, setting up my finances for the future, setting up my health for the future, setting up my profession for the future, setting up my ability as an entrepreneur in the very near future, as an author in the very near future. I mean, I’m on the fucking edge of the cut here. You can slice it any way you want and still I rise. I am on the edge here, and I have learned to take calculated risks. I have learned the process and here I stand on the edge, ready to dive in deep. So deep the depths will astound even me. But I’m ready to take root. Here we go.