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Reflection from May 18th, 2013 @ Age 31


April said two things to me last night.  First, that there was “something missing” from my blog’s “about me” page, like something I was keeping that made things said “just not add up”.  After a long, long conversation with my mother about it this morning, I’ve finally realized what April was referring to (as she could not explicate what, herself).  I have not yet explained “the particular manner” in which suffering must be cultivated to become beauty.  Of course, it must be cultivated in a manner such that the suffering is for good and not made in vain, which of course is accomplished by making the hard decisions now in hopes that the best things available in life will materialize in the future after the hard work has been accomplished.  Essentially, it’s a call for delayed satisfaction, which can be difficult to accomplish when money’s distraction gets in the way.  I’m slightly annoyed at the manner in which she chose to explicate herself (i.e. judgmentally speaking), but I know I cannot fault her for it because I respect her honesty in telling me in the best way she knew how.

The other thing she said to me was more deeply disturbing and less helpful perhaps.  I said to her, I wonder whether I’ll ever find someone that made me feel the way that David did.  She said it’s not possible.  She said her mom’s said so, her friend Nancy at work has told her so, she said everyone has told her so, that it is not possible.  They have all told her it is simply not possible, and she believes them.


She said, “I wouldn’t be with John if it were.” 

I don’t know what to do with that.