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Reflection from January 2nd, 2008 @ Age 26


Happy New Year.  John told me yesterday that he still thinks of moving out to California and it’s funny because it completely threw me off kilter.  I mean I guess I just figured he bought a house—he’s here to stay.  But he said he can always sell the house, and he can—I just can’t believe how much better some people are at adapting to new situations than others, particularly me.

New Years was nice; I had dinner with my parents and then we all went over to Andy and Rachel’s and played with Bryce and I talked to Rachel’s brother a little and he asked me if I was still writing and I said not really and felt really embarrassed.  I go back and forth between having these brilliant ideas that turn out to be so embarrassing to me later, which I’m sure is normal I guess, but it just does something to me.  It makes me feel like such a fucking fool all of the time.  Maybe I was expecting John would stay because he has a good job and a house and a girlfriend and his family here, which seems to be enough for Danielle to stay where she’s at.  But then again Danielle is right outside fucking New York City, not in Columbus, Ohio—so I suppose there’s a bit of a difference there.

I feel like such a fool recording my thoughts, because I feel like my thoughts are foolish, and I therefore think that I am foolish.  I try to remember that it’s taken John a good three or four or five years to get on his feet and get himself all together here in Columbus since he graduated from college, what with friends and a good job and a girlfriend and soccer league and guitar and video games.  His life just seems so much more complete than mine.  And maybe it is, maybe that’s the point.  Maybe I just, I don’t know.  All I know this morning is that I don’t feel like dressing up for work, I don’t feel like going to work, and I don’t feel like doing anything but sitting here on the couch with my mom watching The West Wing.

It’s funny though because I watch The West Wing with my mom and I end up feeling like, if I don’t have some high-powered all-influencing job like the people on that show, then I’m not worth anything.  I think I’ve been over this recently, but I guess I’m still feeling it so there’s not much harm in also recording it.  I feel like I have a very skewed view of the world.  I feel like I’ll never be happy because I’ve not been able to figure out how to be happy yet.  I feel like I’ll never get married and have kids, never meet a person I even want to marry.  Gahh the self-loathing is excruciating to bear.  This is why I used to smoke pot everyday.  This is why I still wish I could smoke pot every day.

I mean there are a lot of reasons why I don’t want to smoke pot every day, mostly long-term reasons.  But that was what pot was always good for…making it through the excruciating now.  I guess it doesn’t leave much time though for self-development when I smoke, feel tired all the time, gorge myself till I’m bursting at the seams, and then pass out every night.  I suppose that’s not what I want either.  It just really sucks not knowing what you want.  But I guess it would also suck knowing what you want and not being able to have it.  Prolly not as much though, as it would suck having had what you want and then having it taken from you, never to return.  I think more than anything, life just sucks.