Reflection from October 7th, 2013 @ Age 32
RE: FINALLY BECOMING A MOTHER—JUST NOT IN THE SENSE I’D ORIGINALLY ANTICIPATED ;0)
Well here I am messing around with Photo Booth, eating popcorn, cleaning up my pig sty, organizing my research, etc., etc. And I just cannot bring myself to get back to work on my senate paper. It’s like I want to stay up all night or something ;0)
But no really, I was just sitting here flashing a peace sign at myself in Photo Booth and it occurred to me—I am so happy. I am so happy right now, that I’ve never been happier in my entire life. I feel I am right exactly where I am meant to be, and that my life is finally heading right exactly in the direction that is just perfect for me. I could not be any happier, I do not think. And yet I know that I could; I just know also that I have not yet felt what that is like.
And so I sit here and I don’t want this paper to end, because the experience has been so divine in and of itself. I still cannot believe I stood up before that Ohio Senate and said NO! DO NOT TAKE MY RIGHTS AWAY!
I am so very fucking proud of myself right now, I couldn’t convey what it feels like if I even tried. I have many words left in me, but none quite conjure up yet well enough in my head to express this emotion. To feel so fucking proud of myself—there’s just nothing like it.
All I know is that today, I believe in my self-worth. I know now, that it is real. It is ethereal but unmistakable.
I know today, that I am in fact, fit to be a parent to my babies one day soon. Today is not that day, tomorrow is not that day either. But it is not too far off now; I can feel it in my marrow. The day that baby comes is now just not so far away, not any more.
So this is what it is like, to feel genuinely happy. It’s not so bad ;0) I actually quite like it.
Ughh this slop is so inefficient and yet I cannot stop throwing up all over this paper. If this is what happiness does to my writing, then I’m in trouble :)
Nahh…I’m just trouble ;0)