Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Reflection from July 1st, 2014 @ Age 33

RE:  TURNING THE CURSE AROUND ;0)

I woke up at 12:30pm today, well rested, very large kink in my neck, remembering the very old feeling I used to get when I was young, in the fall, when all activity set in once again.

I’m too tired to describe it for you now, except to say Viktor Frankl already did in the first half of his book Man’s Search for Meaning.  The “mentally ill” are like America’s common day NAZI concentration camp prisoners…

Except the abuse is primarily psychological and emotional, and the abusers go to great lengths to keep it “hidden”.  It is awful…but now I am going to make it better.  And so that is progress, because I now have a plan ;0)

Later

A very strange phenomenon is happening in my brain.  Now that I’ve become “okay” with the idea of going on “disability” (i.e. social security benefits…I think…?), anyways…now that that’s happened…it seems as though everything is slowing down!  My life, my mind, time!  Everything…

But the curious part is that, amidst this slowing, the cause for my ongoing struggle and source of suffering is becoming ever more clear.  Ongoing trauma…sociological emotional and mental abuse.  Clear as day it’s becoming.  And I do wonder if in part, the cause for the “slow” down, is actually, the impending bridge being built within the synapses of my brain…as to this plan of mine, as I’m plotting my escape.

Curious it is if ever I’ve been…

Later

Ohh also…I’d swear to you I’ve never felt more “jiggly” before in my entire life!  I think this extreme heat definitely has had something to do with it, and I don’t think the actual, concrete reality of the situation is as bad as it seems within my head…but boy do I feel jiggly ;0(

It’s not so fun…and distracts me from the accomplishment of being sans-cigs for almost 2 days now…!  Cannot forget that!  That’s a huge victory, actually…could be playing a factor in this intellectual slow down I’m experiencing…who knows…

In any case though…it is a victory…a great one…I can’t forget that.  I’m building here…and that is a very slow, tiring, strenuous process.  If I am tired, that would be why.  I just can’t forget that…

Later

I’m having a little trouble imagining how everything could work out well from here ;0(  I mean…

Don’t get me wrong—I trust in the Universe.  That’s why (and how) I’ve not entirely lost my mind by now!

But I’m still having a lit-tle trouble—more so than anything I think…in believing

Believing it’s even possible that things could work out now.  So I guess I’ma go chew on that thought for awhile…

How dissatisfying… ;0/

Later

I feel like I’m grieving the life of the human being I once was…which is both painful and confusing.  I was going to write about it, but my parents just got home.  Said they wouldn’t be home till late tonight…guess plans changed.  Good thing I didn’t plan on the extended privacy I guess.

This is just awful.  I want to smoke a cigarette and yet I know, that will bring only short term relief with a host of alternative long term problems as well.  I don’t need any other long term problems…I have enough to deal with as is, right now.  Like, how I have no future, only a gleam glimmer of hope that things might get better, if I figure out how in the fucking world to make them such.  This is just awful

I fucking hate my life.  I don’t know how I can feel so free when every materialistic avenue otherwise is holding me back.  The only thing free about me is my mind, and I suppose now, my spirit.  And so here I am, I’ve figured out how to maintain my mental health despite ever dwindling financial funds, I’ve figured out how to regain my human spirit and keep it in tact, but that’s it…that’s all I’ve figured out.  So much more to go still…

I guess that’s the beauty of being on social security/disability and having nothing but time on my hands…all the time in the world to now figure this out.

When I really sit down and focus hard, and look at the truth — I know I would be suffering regardless, so I know I might as well now be suffering in the most constructive of possible manners.  In this way, I at least have a chance of becoming a writer still, I have a chance at changing what seems still a terminal fate already set in stone, I have a chance at remaining beautiful and to continue growing into my own beauty…

I have a chance to be everything that I’ve ever wanted to be now…it just took giving up everything else, in order to receive the potential opportunity to now be her.  So I guess we’ll see what happens.  My neck still hurts, I’m rather irritable, I don’t know…

I’m just in a new place I guess…the kind of place where heretofore, I would inevitably say ‘I want to kill myself’, except now, I don’t.  So I don’t know where in the world that leaves me…

I don’t know where I am at anymore.  I’m no longer “home” and I’m no longer either living within my dreams…I’m just in between.  I am stuck somewhere the fuck, in between…