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Reflection from December 29th, 2011 @ Age 30


Hello!  I don’t really feel like writing all that much, except perhaps to say that the year is almost over, and I couldn’t be more pleased that I’ve written all the while I’ve made it through.  It’s pretty wild to think of all that has happened just this year, and this wasn’t even near what 2010 held!  This year was kind of just the aftershock of 2010—it was rough, but it was good.  I think it’s been really very good for me; I needed the time to just be able to sit down and think and reflect on everything that’s happened to me in such a short period of time since Adam and I started dating.  I still find it rather bizarre that I just completely stopped writing for just about a year and a half.  It just blows my mind, especially since you know how I love to write ;0) 

I can hardly believe it, but at the same time I really very much so whole-heartedly believe that sometimes we just have to move forward, drudgingly through the mud, one step in front of the other, without looking back.  Sometimes there’s just no other way if we want to keep it together and be strong.  But ohh, isn’t that the most loaded word I could think of!?!  To be strong and hold it together, what more do I have to say?

Isn’t it so, that strength changes?  Just as beauty changes, so does strength.  Really they go hand in hand, if you think about it, because what is beauty if it is not strong?  Whether it is strong in the hard sense—one foot ahead of the other, stern eyes staring straight ahead, eyebrows cocked, forehead wrinkled, just charging straight ahead like a force to be reckoned with.  There’s nothing quite like it; nothing, of course, except its very own opposite, equal, if not more beautiful. 


Alright, well that was a dear little thought, but then Adam came in and interrupted me and now here we are 45 minutes later and the sun is gone down, this dark room with foggy gray walls is looming over my head, I’m tired and somewhat depressed.  And I lost my train of thought.  He did get me a North Face fleece, which was very dear of him!  But he got home early, sucked my steam with distraction, and now here I lay, deflated without any remaining momentum. 

Ugh.  I hate when that happens—especially when I’m actually in the mood to be writing, since that doesn’t usually happen all that often (or as much as I would prefer, in any case).  This is so annoying.

I get so frustrated, ugh…even more frustrated now!  Adam just brought me coffee because I was saying before he left, how tired I now felt.  He is so sweet, so much so recently too!  More than ever before, he has been so sweet this past week!  Which makes it even worse that I still get frustrated! 

I’ll tell you, and then I will go; I just get frustrated because I feel like time is getting away from me.  I’m only 30 years old—but at the same time, I am 30 years old!  I mean, I’ve been wanting to put this book together forever now!  And I know that everything that has happened over the past couple of years has been absolutely necessary for me to experience before I could even be in a position to finish the project.  But now I am in that position, and I want to do it now.  And I wanted to take a week off in January 2012 to focus solely on that purpose, but my fucking boss is making things very difficult on me at work (long story, but basically, our secretary is a big fat waste of business resources), and now I cannot take that week off, and I’m motherfucking frustrated that everything is now moved off another three months, at the earliest.  Time is slipping away from me, and I feel like I’m never going to be able to get it done.  I feel like I’m never going to be able to make this one last huge jump—the one last jump to get me to where I’ve been wanting my whole life to go.  One last hurdle…so close, and yet so far.

So anyways, it’s very difficult to focus at home when Adam is here, and Adam is always here, and I thank my fucking stars for that!  But I also get frustrated by it sometimes, that he is always here, that he hardly ever goes out and does anything on his own, or with his guy friends or whatever.  We’ve had several conversations about it now, we got him an XBOX 360, but it’s still not solved.  It’s easier in the summer because he loves to go out golfing—but in the winter, not so much. 

It’s just horrible; I feel horrible—like I am wishing time away with Adam that might be taken away somewhere not too far down the road.  I just have no idea what will come; what will be.  That’s frustrating, work is frustrating, the time slipping is frustrating, losing my friends is frustrating, not having any good girlfriends here in town is frustrating, etc.  I’m just a frustrated young woman lately, and I do wonder, whether I would even still be considered a “young” woman ;0)