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Reflection from December 23rd, 2007 @ Age 26

RE:  PRECURSOR TO LEARNING HOW TO HAVE FAITH IN MY OWN VISION.

I want to fucking kill myself.  I have no friends here—even if I did, I have no money to go out; I’m fucking irritated as hell, but just in motherfucking general—not for any particular reason.  I feel so fucking angry and I want to scream and fucking yell and destroy shit.  And I fucking can’t, because that wouldn’t be motherfucking constructive.

I fucking hate life.  It’s such a cruel sentence into which I’ve been brought and am not allowed to escape.  I fucking want to die and leave this lonely place.  All I do is suffer, all the fucking time it seems.  I have no one to talk to who gets what I’m going through, who gets that it’s an awful existence swinging from high to low to high to low. 

There’s no one to help who knows what the fuck they’re doing, there are no drugs that work and I have so little money left over after school loans and car lease that I need cheap drugs—I can only afford cheap fucking drugs because those who get helped are those who have money with which to be helped. 

Death is somehow terrifying, but life is excruciating.  I don’t know how people live and enjoy this fucking hell on earth.  I hate it hate it hate it.  I cry everyday.  I feel so much anger and irritation some days I can hardly stand it in a constructive manner.

I’m angry as hell that my mother brought me into this fucking place with such limited means so as to leave me suffering in silence, and alone.  I fucking hate living, but the only two options I have are to either kill myself, or to act like I’m just fucking fine around other people.

I think I’d like to OD tonight.  But I don’t fucking do it because I hope things will get better.  And yet in this life I am guaranteed pain and suffering, but offered merely a chance at peace and happiness.  And I want to live anyways, even if just slightly more than the alternative, and I think that’s the part that hurts the most.

I was thinking the other day how Natalie Huffman and her mom came in shopping at Abercrombie our senior year in high school, and I was working and how her mom wouldn’t let her come to my house to play when we were much younger.  It’s a cruel reality what with the socioeconomic inequality and all.  There’s no fucking equality.  If your parents are smart and you have money, you automatically have a head start on everyone else.

I fucking hate life.  I just can’t see how things will ever get better, and yet I can’t quit hoping and that’s the worst fucking part of all.