Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Reflection from April 5th, 2012 @ Age 30

RE:  INTENSITY.

Yesterday I stopped in at Barnes and Noble before my appointment with Jane to see if they had a book of Plato with the allegory of the cave bit in it.

While I was in there I wandered through the journals section and then to the collectors’ section of classics.  Some girl came over and just started talking to me.  She said, “Oh those are great.  My mom got me the Shakespeare one when I was in college and it was the strangest thing because at the time,” (she said she was) in a Shakespeare play at school and when she opened up the book place keeper (the ribbon) it took her right to the page in the play she was doing at school and the part where her character comes in.  “It was just the strangest thing,” she said.   And I kind of thought so too, that she would just randomly come over to me uninvited and bring up Shakespeare and her mom and college and whatnot.  Especially Shakespeare because I had just been researching that same morning (at work…L0L ;0) about “to be, or not to be” (as it relates to cultivating beauty) and I thought it was Socrates actually, but I found I was wrong.

So anyway, that was all strange and whatnot, but then, now that I’m thinking about it more, I do wonder if it was just her mom who set that place keeper for her.  In college.  Shakespeare.  Fate?

I did not ask her which play.

Anyway, moving on, I’m supposed to go with Paul today to see this asshole of a probate judge we have, talk about god knows what.  This fucker who refuses to even try a case and believes that the magistrates should be making more uniform decisions (i.e. removing any semblance of fairness and justice that even remains within the judicial court system (if any at all…it’s a legit question)).

So anyway, I have a doctor appointment at 11:45am with Dr. R. and I think I’m just going to call in sick because the court meeting’s at 3pm.

And anyways, I have my haircut at 5:15pm which I don’t want to miss because it’s in preparation for book month (and ultimately Cultivating Beauty promotion period).  So we’ll see how that blows over.  At this point though, I could hardly care less.

Later

Got Chinese on the way here from Dr. R’s.  For the fortune.  I’m sure there’s a high possibility it’s completely irrelevant and/or stupid.  But I suppose there’s a chance not, as well.  I’m almost afraid to look. 

I feel guilty enough as it is skipping out on work/Paul for that stupid f’ing judge’s pow-wow.  But I just honest to god cannot go.  I just can’t.  So I’m sitting here at home on the couch watching Smash with Katherine McPhee, and here I go…

See…

“Your love of music will be an important part of your life.”

I told you it’s silly ;0)

(I’m not going.)

Later

FUCK.

I texted too soon.  I texted Judy at 2:29pm and she was like Paul said to go DIRECTLY to court.  I don’t know what to do with that bullshit.

Honest to god I can’t go.  I just can’t.

This is so very much not a good situation.  What to say, what to say…

It’s so stupid, I’m already at home, I have my haircut in two and a half hours.  I want to work on the book.  I’m not going.

But…what to say?  I just don’t know.

“It’s too late to change events, it’s time to face the consequence of delivering the proof in the policy of truth.”

I’m not going.  I know that’s not what I am “supposed” to be doing.  But fuck this goddamn society.

FUCK IT.

On another note, I read “we shall be changed” written by David Watson, Dave’s uncle, read at Dave’s funeral. 

I remember the funeral now.  My black dress.  My bozo boyfriend.  Horrible anxiety, wanting to escape.  Late.  So very late.

I wasn’t even there when this must’ve been read.  I was too late.  The rain, I didn’t know where I was going, distracted by a cruel and heartless male presence.  Again.

And there I watched through the rain, the people poured out, the casket was rolled out, and he could not be seen.  I could not see him, because it was too late.

But then, aha!  I read this eulogy, and I see, I’m not so much late as I am far ahead of my time.  Ohh that relativity of time!  How tricky it can be!

Later

OMG I don’t know how I’m going to do this with Dietrich f’ing barking from downstairs.  My heart is racing and I feel alive but as you know, sometimes it’s difficult to tell if that’s actually a good thing.

I just texted Paul after I saw at 3pm (after I left to walk Dietrich in the sun) that he’d said, “saved you a seat.”  Almost makes me a tinge bit sad, except then I think about how horrible he was in January and how horrible lawyers are and being a lawyer is, and then I don’t really feel all that bad at all.  Maybe, if at all, only because Paul has been good to me in some ways.  But really, all “those ways” that I speak of had really nothing to do with being a lawyer.  But they did have everything to do with being who I am meant to be…which is right where I am at right now.  Sitting at my desk at home in the sunlight with my little DM to the left, writing in my journal and ready to write at any moment up in this Macbook Pro biootch I got goin’ on!

So there you have it.  Here I am, and this is where I am meant to be.  I have finally arrived.  (Well…almost.  Still very very very much hard work to go…but all the same, here I am and I am ready and here we go!)

Later

It’s funny how things happen.  It’s funny how at the very same time I for so long felt not good enough myself, without even realizing fully that nothing, also, was ever good enough for me.  What in the world have I become?