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Reflection from June 15th, 2011 @ Age 29

RE:  DREAMING FOR LOVE, EVEN IF IT ISN’T FOR ME ;0P

Still not focused.  Not on work anyways, or the website.  But I’ll tell you one thing…

They’re burns. 

That’s all they are.  Well, that and what a certain, particular, perhaps home base of fans want to hear.  These raunchy words, that is. 

It doesn’t make sense otherwise.  How could the same person who sings Mockingbird sing about wanting to put his penis in some chick’s anus?  They’re burns and they’re for his ex-wife.  She hurt him in some awful kind of way, and he’s doing his damnedest to make her feel the pain she caused on him.  I don’t know, I mean look at his movie, look at his music, look how angry he gets when his ex/wife was f’ing around.  Look at how engrained sexuality is in the world that he came from.  Sexuality is how some people try to convey their feelings for someone; and when that someone doesn’t feel the same way back, and doesn’t remain loyal in that sense, it’s incredibly hurtful.  Well, really I think that goes for anyone, not just any one particular type of fan or person.  Look at all these cheaters out there, how much pain they cause.  Sexuality, sexual loyalty, all of that, it’s all engrained with feeling in some form or another.

His wife caused him horrible pain, and I don’t know which song, but in one of his songs he sings about how she better not burn him or he’ll make her feel the pain she’s caused him.  And that’s exactly what he’s doing in my opinion.  I don’t know how any man of Eminem’s depth, with three daughters no less, could walk around saying some of the shit he says, some of the most crude things you’ve ever heard (well…depending where you’re from I guess, and how cultured you are), in good conscience knowing that his daughters will hear him.  He’s a smart man, he’s got incredible depth, and this language, part of it is how he grew up, I get that; but part of it, the biggest part I believe, is some inner demon he’s trying to deal with.

He’s trying to make her feel his pain, the pain she’s caused him, instead of taking the pain into himself, digesting it and spitting it back out in a positive manner.  He’s kind of taking the low road; I hate to admit it.  But then again, what do I know?  Who am I to judge?  I don’t know the first real thing about him, besides his lyrics and the manner in which he raps them.  And even then, you don’t know how much control he had over the end product.  So honestly, I am not in a position to judge.  But I do wonder, and I am fascinated.

I don’t know why I care, but I so very much wish for his happiness.  I wish for him, that he finds the ability to internalize the pain, recreate it in a positive way, and then help others with his insight (or something to that effect).  I wish he could find a person who could love him the way that I love.  I wish for him that he gets to experience that in his lifetime, sooner than later.  People don’t typically change, sometimes they even want to and just can’t.  But sometimes, things come along, that change us.  Love for one.  And I believe that love, something along the line of my kind of love, unconditional love, compassionate love, all-encompassing love, open-minded love, real love…I wish that for him.  I wish to God that he would bring that into Eminem’s life.  I wish that he could experience it, and part of it is so selfish of me I know, because what I really wish is to see what he could create, with all his talent and all his depth, under the influence of something as powerful as true love.

Now, again, what do I know?  Practically nothing.  Maybe he’s had real love in his life.  I don’t know.  But I get the feeling from what, of him, I have experienced, that he has not.  I don’t know that he’s experienced, at least from a woman that he loved, the acceptance and understanding and patience and loyalty that love brings.  The forgiveness that love brings.  I don’t know that he’s seen another internalize the pain he’s caused them, and turned it into something beautiful back, something that shows forgiveness.  I don’t even half know what I’m talking about, and I doubt therefore that I’m making even the slightest bit of sense here, but I’m trying in any case, because it’s important. 

Just think what he could do, who he could be, if he had a lover that opened up the world to him.  I’m sure he’s experienced it to some extent through his daughter, but it’s not the same as having that with a peer.  Ohh how I wish for him love!  I will believe in it for him.  I will believe it into happening.