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Reflection from May 21st, 2012 @ Age 30

RE:  THE LONG JOURNEY IT HAS BEEN.

God.  This feels like the worst fucking day of my entire life.  Back to reality!  No surprise!

Today’s my first day back to work.  Adam’s getting a job offer for a manager position at his work today.  More money, finally a manager, he’s waited a long time, good for him.  Glad I was supportive of him the whole fucking way.  Glad we keep our money separate and glad he won’t pay for more than ½ of anything even though he’ll be making even more fucking money than me now, and he has no fucking student loans.

God, it’s so depressing.  I sent out my first query to that Jennifer DeChiara chick and I’m convinced now that everything I write is the most awful, horrible just fucking hideous shit you’ve ever seen in your entire life.  It feels awful.  I feel awful.  I kind of wish now I would just die too.

Ahh the fancies how they dance around in my head, deluding me into thinking that dreams could be possible.  Fuck you David, for leaving me in the horrible world.  I don’t know what to say.  Tears rolling down my face, Charity just had her second baby and her husband graduated from somewhere with his fancy schmancy MBA, she has two daughters now, works for a bank, what the fuck do I care?  Broken record.  Ahh how some things do just never change.

Later

Hmm.  You know.  Fuck that.  I’ma do this.  I’m sending the rest of those queries out tonight and/or by tomorrow night.  Fuck Jennifer DeChiara if she’s too goody two-shoes to even look at my manuscript.  We’ll see.  We’ll see what that Betsy Lerner chick thinks.  She edited Prozac Nation for god’s sake, and though that booked sucked as it did, it was groundbreaking, and it was a huge fucking risk…hmm…yes.  Yes, I’m gonna finish sending out those five remaining queries and then I’ma finish my manuscript and then I’m gonna keep going no fucking matter what the fuck more I have to do.  I’m going to do this.  That’s all there is to it. That is simply, the way things are.  So god help anyone, who gets in my fucking way.  Besides Dietrich.  Dietrich’s okay, and my family.  But you know…other than that…

Later

Funny thing is, it’s almost like he has no idea why today might even be the least bit challenging for me…

Later

Whew!  He and the dog are gone.  Thank god.  Dietrich barks and barks and barks and I swear to god some days I feel like it’s literally driving me to insanity

Anyways, I think I’ll just email myself the remaining agent names and then do that research at work today and tomorrow.  And then I can just format the queries tonight and tomorrow night and get them out.  And then I’ll just resume working on the manuscript.  Finish up section II and then go back and start my actual first run through of the manuscript as a whole.  Which will be good.

I was noticing last night in my 17 gazillion hour preparation to send out that first query to Jen DeChiara, that a lot of the shit that is presently in the first 20 pages of my manuscript does not in fact, need to be in there anymore.  Which is natural because that is the whole point of the first and second run throughs of the manuscript as a whole.  I guess it just would have been nice to have it perfect before sending it out, but I really don’t think it makes much a difference anymore at this point.  I’ll just give them what I have now, and if they want to see more, then whenever that point is I’ll send them what I have at that point.  It’s just an evolution.  Nothing more.  It’s really not all that big a deal to be honest. 

I mean, it is in one sense that it’s my dream and all, but in another, it’s not, because it’s going to happen regardless.  It’s just a matter of how and when, and with whom.  And whomever that “whom” ends up being, they’re gonna be one helluva fucking lucky biottchh or bastard.  So I’m not really too concerned here.  Fact of the matter is, if none of these agents I’ve chosen can see the diamond in the rough (needle in the haystack?  Whatever…), then I probably need to continue on searching for other agents to query anyways. 

Not a big deal either way though.  It just is, what it is.  And that’s all that it is.  And so that’s my plan within it, and I’m a stickin’ to it, and we’ll see where that takes me.  Can’t be anywhere worse than where I sit today, right?  Aghhh…

Anyways, it’s 7:44am now and I have to leave for work in 1.5 hours, half hour to finish getting ready.  So I think I’ll just work on the book here for just one lit-tle tiny hour.  Hah!  It’s never going to end!  Adam’s gonna hate me!  Although…I think he probably already does…

Later

I’ll tell you what fucking just pisses me off, that I could almost swear to you that every time Adam thinks about my stupid book, this little fucking voice comes into his fucking head, little Andrea talking to him just so, saying how it doesn’t even matter he shouldn’t even worry because chances are it’s never going to go anywhere anyway.  Ohh whatever, I don’t know.  I’m being mean today.  I just have a feeling she’s got something shitty going on in her little mind over there out in North Canton, but whatever.  I hate life.  Hah…this is all so silly.

Later

I was just remembering how the other day, I can’t remember when, last week maybe it was, when Adam and I were fighting and it ended with him screaming into my face that his illness was much worse because he was physically dying and there was nothing he could do but get a transplant.  I guess that’s the way the world would see it anyways.  I guess that’s why I hate this world.  I guess that’s why people are still so goddamn ignorant as to mental illness.  I guess that’s why I still need to be going through this fucking struggle trying to publish this god awful book.  I guess that’s why I am going through all of this.  I know there’s a reason.  It’s so fucking stupid.

It’s almost now, like I can’t write anything new.  It seems I’m just repeating words I’ve already spoken and I wonder what that means.  If I’m out of new words so that means maybe I’m supposed to be done writing now?  If I’m on the edge of some big change occurring and once that happens, I will move past this impasse?  I just don’t know.  I don’t know what to think.  I hate where I’m sitting today though.  I can’t believe I’m going to be 31 in 30 days.  Ahh.  I don’t even know what to say.  I’m just going to get ready and go into work.  No reason to delay it any longer.  Just have to sit in the discomfort.  God help me.  (Find some new words… ;0)

Later

It took time to find out whether I passed the bar exam you know.  I just had to sit in the uncomfortableness.  That’s all I can do now too.  I just have to sit the fuck down and sit in it.  Keep working toward the goal, but keep feeling all this shit I’m feeling.  It’s necessary.  It’s necessary for my art.  And so I will.

Later

There’s so much he doesn’t tell me, sometimes I don’t feel like I know him at all.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know me at all. 

Later

Okay, no…now…in the words of Bjork…bahhahahhah!

I have a feeeeeeling!

No I don’t really know anything for sure of course, but I just emailed ol’ Betsy Lerner over there in NYC and it just seemed so right after having watched a couple of her interviews, read several articles, and invaded her blogosphere presence (of course also, having signed up). 

So we’ll see, I was pretty hopeless today there for a good while, except then I was working on Beauty a little this afternoon before Adam got home and I got a call from someone in good ol’ Northern Los Angeles.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never previously received any phone calls from that location, not even disconnects, as was this one.  So…I took that as a good sign and got back to work…which led me to Betsy…we’ll see what happens next…

Agghhhhhahhahgghahis;fdljkfdshasdlkjfh!

Later

When it comes to searching for the truth, there are only two manners in which it may be had:  from a head upon square shoulders or one amidst the mess of a bipolar.  (Blech…but that’s the right idea Maris…)  While both are similar in nature, the former is one of simple finite portions; but ohh of the bipolar…and her search for this world’s most hidden truths, …this latter method will show you shit you’d never thought to have questioned in the first place blah…

Hmm hmm hmm!!!

Later

Not horrible, comfortable in a way—not a good way really but it still is comforting here at work at the moment anyways ;0( 

I want to finish my first full run through before I query anymore I think.  I’m doing goal thinking too because I sent the first one out, so this is all very good.

Ugh…it’s frustrating for me.  But it’s good. Everything’s going to be just fine.

Later

I feel like the guy in the allegory of the cave.  I’m retraining my brain now to figure out how to live once more in between these two worlds.  It sucks.

Later

There has got to be a reason for this illness.  The universe could not be so cruel.

I’m gonna find it, I swear to you now.  If not for myself, then for Bryce I swear to you I will find it.  I will not fail.