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Reflection from November 11th, 2011 @ Age 30

RE:  FIGURING OUT HOW TO EMOTIONALLY SUPPORT MYSELF.

Bad news bears…

I tell you what, I’m bad news Sally over here.  Took 5 more today, after the 8, from the car.  I thought I was about to die I was so distraught over the experience (not having a justifiable excuse this time).  And then when Adam got up at 5am to take his meds, he walked his ass straight all the way down both flights of stairs to the foyer for what reason I did not know, and my heart just about jumped out of my throat!

But, I’ll tell you what, I have been having such a wonderful time on this stuff that I can’t hardly help myself.  I told you, it’s bad news.  I even had a cigarette just now (I am home), 2 so far today, and one ciggy, and it’s all just very bad news over here. 

It’s so fun though, I cannot deny it; and so I will say no more, I think that is sufficient.

My hands are so cold today; they’ve literally been (just about) freezing all day long!  It’s crazy!  At work, at home, in the car, everywhere!  But it’s okay, because I’m high (LOL…but ohh so sad ;0(

So, but really, they are so very cold it’s almost difficult to type these here words.  Adam will be home in 20 minutes!  Oh boy, we’ll see what happens.  I’ve been thinking about what I will say when I get caught (if?).  No, I’m sure so.  And it goes a little something like this…

Adam, I am very sorry.  I know I shouldn’t have been doing that and I know that it is bad and a very not good thing altogether.  I apologize for taking them and not telling you, it’s very difficult for me.  You see, I know myself, and I know this is what I do, and I just need to not have that stuff around here because it’s really very much so the case that I can hardly help myself when it’s around, and if I know that it’s around and I can’t get to it, it makes me terribly unfocused on the things that I need to focus on.  I apologize for my behavior, but this is just a part of who I am.  I know that, you know that, and I need you to respect that struggle, and to help me when I need help. 

(And honestly, I really don’t know that I can stop myself if it’s around, and I can get to it.  That, with the caveat that I would not do so if I were pregnant; but we’ll see how soon that one happens to be.)

Later

And numero tres, here we come…

Adam and I went to the mall and honestly every time I see a baby, or look in Baby Gap at the baby clothes, or look online at Facebook and see all the baby profile pictures, or talk to Krissy fucking Mayhew for the first time in like 5 years, anytime any of those things happen, my heart aches.  I feel like it’s never going to happen; have a daughter, that is.  Not that I wouldn’t love a son to pieces, but ohhhh how much do I want a daughter!  And Charity has one, Jen has one, Stacey has one, Rachel and Andy have one.  It makes me kind of want to hurt myself a little bit, enough to make myself feel better in the meantime, so I can just make it through now to get to the better later. 

I think Adam is right though, and my mom, and everyone else who happens to know, that I am never just fucking happy with where I am at in life.  I don’t know how that happens!  It’s so irritating and frustrating!  I fail to understand how I can try so hard and still!  Still I just feel like I am forever behind.  I don’t know why it’s like this, and I don’t know what I did to have to live like this, unless, of course, it’s that I get to live like this. 

I’ve always, for the most part, or rather no, well, almost always, have gotten the things in life that are most important to me.  A wonderful family, an amazing education, both liberal and legal, pretty wonderful friends (for the most part), an amazing talent (writing), a wonderful husband, well…

Well this…

I tried to talk to Adam today about how I have been feeling about this and he started playing on his iPhone and wouldn’t look up, and I said Adam, will you please talk to me, and he said no, he didn’t want to talk about it.  He said we can talk about it when we go to the doctor, which of course, is a week and a half from now.  Those little babies will be gone by then!

So anyways, that prompted me to say to him two things.  First, I told him two of the things I loved most about him are (were…) that he used to always be willing to talk to me about stuff, and he always used to respond to me, no matter what.  Tonight I lost both, although why I am surprised I do not know, because it’s assuredly and most definitely NOT the first time.

Nevertheless, and all the more, I am disappointed.  They always say, don’t marry them hoping to change them because they won’t change, and in fact, they usually get worse.  So there you have it.  Well, rather, there I have it.  I don’t know what to do about it, and it makes me really rather angry.  Angry because I feel like there is not one fucking thing I can do about it.  I’m angry because this is what leads to divorce, the unwillingness of one or both spouses to communicate.  But to be honest, also, this is really the way that I see it, if I look another way…

I ache to have children and talk about it and am sad about it.  All the while there is Adam, who just him alone, narrows our chances of getting pregnant naturally to about 2%.  Which means that we’re going to have to pay a shitload of money to try to have a baby, I’m going to have to take hormones and give myself shots, even if we do get pregnant, we could have a baby with CF, etc.; and it’s all this, because of Adam.

So when I look at it from that point of view, if I were him, I would feel pretty fucking shitty if that were my situation, and that it was my situation by default, that there is nothing that I could have done differently to make it better, and here my wife is complaining about not being able to have a baby, and my god how fucking shitty does that make me feel.

Although me, being the choice word.  He doesn’t want to do the dishes, and he doesn’t want to take out the trash.  He doesn’t want to support me; honestly, he said that to me tonight.  I told him, I’m obviously having a difficult time dealing with this, and he said well, you said the same thing five days ago (Sunday) and I don’t see what’s changed since then.  And he said, why do I have to keep repeating things over and over again, and I said because it helps me, and he said well I just don’t want to do it.  And then he went back to playing on his gadgets and stopped responding to me altogether.

So fuck him.  And fuck the whole Crumrine scene.  I wish I still had my last name ;0(  I don’t know if that is certainly the case, but I sure do wish sometimes that I was still Marissa Kristina Varcho.  I feel lost without her, and motherfucking angry that I no longer am her, sometimes.

So here I am, getting high for the third time today.  And it’s so crazy, I know it is, just as I’m writing these words down I know that it is absolutely crazy here, that I am sneaking out to my husband’s car at 4 o’clock in the morning to stash some medicinal you know what from his console.  I know it.  But I somehow cannot stop it.  And what makes it worse, is that I don’t want to tell him this time.  Not until I absolutely have to, I don’t.  And so that is that, I am sitting up here in the office, angry as hell that he gets to be sitting downstairs in the living room with the Christmas tree and Christmas lights.  The motherfucking asshole; I just don’t know what to do.

And so, we are going to The Refectory tonight, Adam and I, to meet Nicole, Megan, and their Chicago/college friend Elise.  Apparently Elise is larger than life (personality-wise, but bone-wise too).  So that should certainly be interesting now that I am hopped up on ADD meds and made hazy, the cherry on top!  I hope I don’t pass out or have a heart attack.  Ohh goodness, don’t think! 

No, I’ll be fine, hopefully a chatterbox though, and not a mute.  That’s the worst.  All right, I think I’m going to go take a power nap before we have to leave.  Ohh god help me.