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Reflection from May 29th, 2008 @ Age 26

RE:  LOVE FROM THE DARK (A.K.A. *UN*CHASTE) SIDE ;0P

Well, he wrote me an email today which almost felt dismissive, needless to say I was less than thrilled.  It wasn’t mean or anything, it was just, curt you could say.  And of course there was the closing “I’ll talk to you later” which is notably different than “I’ll talk with you soon” or “xoxo” (yes he’s given me the xoxo before hah!).  I feel like I’ve been entirely overbearing by no fault of my own unless you call my native self my fault of course.  Anyways, I feel I’ve been so overbearing and I think that puts him off, I think that puts anyone off (except perhaps me).  I don’t know but I deleted his message and I think I’m not gonna email him again until he emails me.  Which I’m not entirely sure I can make it that long, but I want to.  I want him to love me and want to be with me, but I think that about any object of my (poor) affection.  I feel bad for the objects of my affection, except for my cats because they love my affection.  All day long they’d love my affection and then some.  Damn Bobby.  I hate him!  I love him and I hate him and I’m furious with myself for falling in love all the goddamn time because my heart inevitably breaks with all the disappointments life brings.  Constant disappointments, but only for me.  Everyone else is feeling fulfilled, everyone else has fancy cars and fancy vacations and fancy diamond fucking rings and fancy houses.  Well, not fancy houses but you know what I mean.

Funny thing is, out of all my friends and really all of the people that I know, I wouldn’t give up one day of my life in order to be somebody else.  Not a damn soul I’d rather be than myself, which is entirely confusing to me but whatever I’m going to see Stacey and Brian tomorrow and Gavin and I can’t wait!  So off with his head!  That damn Bobby.