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Reflection from July 31st, 2007 @ Age 26


Whew!  Well I am all moved into mama’s and out of 2768 Lancashire Apartment 2A!  And I’m finding sleep to be quite the impossible task tonight/this morning. 

I’m surprising myself each day with the ease at which I am adjusting to the immense change in my life right now.  And I’m ever decreasing my medication which makes it all the more miraculous.  I mean, I can’t fucking believe myself right now.  Right now, in this very moment, I’m feeling meant to be.  And I’m feeling so good about who I am and what I’m all about.  I’ve truly been on a path for a long time now trying to figure out who it is I want to be and to be getting a glimpse of that now, finally, just blows me away.

I mean I thought all along what I was working for was pretty worthwhile and all…but I had no idea what was in store for me and I still don’t to the fullest extent…but even just the first glimpses of who I am becoming amaze me more than words could ever say…even from me!

I was just thinking, you know, how grateful I am to have never had an orgasm.  Because it’s kind of like being a virgin but way better because all that uncomfortable first timer sex stuff is out of the way, not to mention I’ve truly come into my own as far as sexual/intimate expression goes.  But…the sweet sweet cherry on top remains untouched and do you know I truly believe when the man for me comes along that cherry will be forever found!  It’s like having had to wait has made it so very much better than it ever could have been up until this point.

And then, of course, I was thinking of David.  My devotion amazes me.  My unconditional love for this boy astounds me.  I think it’s incredible I was capable of such a meaningful type of love at such a young age.  And I knew it all along, but doubted myself because that’s what I’d been trained to do.  Well thank god these chains were made to be broken.  And thank god also for having given me the ability to personally break myself free.  I tell you what…I’m all wound up tonight!

Do you know I’m filled to the brim and overflowing with gratitude?  It reminds me of the very last lines in American Beauty where he’s talking about gratitude and how the world is filled with so much beauty, and then he goes on to say oh, who am I kidding…you have no idea.  And I think so few living beings do.  And that’s why I feel like one of the chosen ones.  My Grandpa Sabik, I believe and to the extent of my knowledge, was a brilliant visionary.  I believe I was born to follow in his footsteps.

I wonder at times whether the reason I feel so disturbed having to protect myself and my ideas so carefully from others is due in part, to the fact that someone in fact (or in myth…whatever the case may be) stole one of my Grandfather’s most ingenious ideas from him…and took with it all the money, fame, power and glory.  I wonder sometimes if that was meant to be, particularly to present just the right circumstances for my own development.  I’ve no doubt I’d be someone entirely different had I grown up with money.

I’ve learned so much from having to struggle financially…especially in the well-to-do settings of North Canton and Denison, and in many ways I’ve myself felt a victim of financial discrimination that I’ve no doubt these struggles have changed me for the better.  I think everyone, in one way or another, has been a victim of discrimination.  In this recognition, we all could unite.  But that first requires recognition which is quite the hoop to jump.

Anyways, I think I’ve been subject to discrimination via my gender, but much much more so I feel like I’ve been a victim of economic discrimination.  And I don’t think I’m alone either.  I’ve not, to this day, forgotten the time my mother told me that Natalie Huffman’s mom thought I was such a sweet child and was welcome to come over to their Bob-o-Link home anytime…but that she just didn’t feel comfortable allowing her daughter to come over to hang out at our Greentown country home.  I’m not sure I ever will forget.  It’s burnt into my memory as one of these realizations you have growing up that this world can be a very dark, dirty, unfair, unsafe and evil place.  I’m not sure I’ll ever forget that; but what’s more, I’m not sure that I’d ever want to.

I think those are some of my very initial roots planted in my desire to bring about justice in this world.  There were so many and I don’t know how…but somehow the circumstances were just right for to help me become just who I am today.  I don’t know if I could ever love me as much as I do in this moment had those circumstances not been just so. 

Everyday I live on this earth I’m further convinced I was and am meant to be here, and that I have a purpose.  Intimately knowing that purpose, however, makes such a difference!  And I feel now…I can see now…that all that pain and suffering I endured as a child was not made in vain after all.  It all led me to now and life as I’ve known it has never been sweeter or richer than it is for me right now in this present.  And perhaps these revelations are the source of my insomnia, I’m high but on my own…without the help of a substance or a person or a thing or sex or drugs or alcohol.  On my own, and yet never alone.

And I can’t help but feel I’m the luckiest girl to be reunited in spirit, so soon, with my love.  I never would have expected or ever dreamed possible that at 25 I would begin the rest of my life with Dave by my side.  To know that our love simply could not be in this physical world, and to so soon be reunited with his spirit, to get to live the rest of my life with him is perhaps the greatest gift of all. 

And do you know I was just looking and Brycey was not even born at the time I began writing this journal!  That, in and of itself, just amazes me.  I’m not sure how souls come to be in and then out of this physical world as they do, but I hope I never cease to be amazed in this lifetime by the wonder that the process presents.