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Reflection from December 17th, 2008 @ Age 27


Well, my father surprisingly apologized for getting pissed at me for talking about Andy’s situation and telling me to shut up.  It’s hard to hate him when he’s nice to me.  I guess I don’t really hate him, I just hate that he’s incapable of so many things.  But I guess that’s just who he is, and I should take it with a grain of salt and all that.  I don’t know what to think a lot of the time.

Speaking of not knowing what to think, I don’t know what to think about this BARBRI bar review course.  It’s scaring the crap out of me and I have no idea how I’m going to make it through.  I just have to keep repeating to myself, eight weeks, only eight weeks and the whole nightmare will be done and over with.  Oh my god, eight weeks of hell and I’ll be over and done with it all.  At least for the next few months anyways.  And then I can really start to focus on finishing up this “book”, if you can even call it that.  Again, like I said, I just don’t know what to think about it anymore.

Well I’m going to a mustache and turtleneck party with Brian and Stacey this Saturday.  I’m really excited though very anxious as to how things will going as far as seeing people I know from way back when but haven’t seen or spoken with in ages, and even then my most likely having been drunk the last time I’ve seen them.  Anyways, I really really wanted to go to this party with them, and then when they said it was okay that I go with them (they checked with the guy having the party first) I was all terrified at the notion.  I’m just going to focus on the fact that I get to spend one night with Stacey and Brian sans Gavin, and it might feel like old times if only for one evening.  I’ve been missing old times lately and I think it’s just what I need. 

I still haven’t received anything from the bar examiners and I think I might not even have to do an interview which would be amazing.  I think the first time around my doctor’s prognosis was unknown which is why I think they had to interview me, whereas now my prognosis is excellent which is why I’m hoping they won’t have to interview me.  The closer we get to the exam though, the less I think they’re going to interview me, let alone hold a hearing.  And we’re getting pretty damn close, I’ll tell you that.  So I’ll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.  Not much else I can do, is there.

I decided not to write Bobby back, at least for now.  I can’t believe he had the gall to say that he thought I didn’t want to hear from him when he was the one who stopped all communication with me.  Damn asshole.  He doesn’t deserve the time of day for all I’m concerned.  What a waste of space he is.  I don’t know why he doesn’t possess more substance, he has great potential for it.  He’s just incapable I guess, which is like my father and therefore a wonderful reason for it not working out in the end.  He’s so incapable, it blows my fucking mind.

Anyways, I feel I’m growing these day at the speed of light, though I’m not entirely sure how.  This kid, this young guy who’s helping Gunner out at the office, had an engagement ring in the office today, saying he’s going to get engaged to his girlfriend tonight.  I didn’t even cry; hell, I didn’t even feel like crying, which for me, represents real progress.  Not long ago that would have broken my heart.  Now I really don’t give a shit.  Though it was a bit of a shot to my ego that he didn’t see me and instantly fall in love with me and leave his girlfriend for me.  Hahaha!  I astound myself sometimes.  No, I’ve been thinking about Mike Simon a lot lately from high school, wondering what ever happened to him, thinking he’s probably married with children by now.  Almost everyone I know is married with children by now, so it wouldn’t surprise me at all.  I’ve also been thinking about Brian’s friend Judd who lives in NYC who thought I was cute from the wedding.  I wonder if he’s got a girlfriend by now.  It wouldn’t surprise me.  It really wouldn’t surprise me if I’m the only single person left in the whole goddamn world by now.  Ohh here I go getting all teary eyed.  I guess I’m not entirely immune yet.  I wonder if one day I won’t even give a shit anymore.  I suppose we shall see, shan’t we?  Ohh how life is so full of pain.