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Reflection from June 14th, 2011 @ Age 29

NOTE:  FILL YOUR SOUL UP WITH ***LOVE*** INSTEAD ;0P

Still not focused on the website.  Finished up everything I had to do at work too, so now there’s nothing to do but the website!  Ugh!

It’s just so funny that only three short months ago I was telling Jen about how I strongly dislike Eminem.  I mean, my reasons were the same as now in that it’s difficult for me to take some of the things that he says, just because a great part of his focus is on this part of humanity that I, at least up until now, have not wanted to see or even be a part of.  He just deals with some rough shit and I’m…well, I don’t know.  I guess I’m…God, I just don’t know.  I feel like I need to berate myself there, but I understand why I’m hiding my eye from these horrible things.  Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.  Not really though.

I think I’d rather not be ignorant, but I wonder, how in the world can I take all this evil in if I don’t properly know how to process it, and digest it so it doesn’t stay in me and completely destroy me in the meantime?  I don’t know.  I need to figure it out though.

So in any case, I was telling Jen about how much I didn’t like Eminem’s music, and she looked at me like I was some kind of bitch or something.  So, whatever; I just think it’s funny now, that I’m enthralled with that same being I so heavily disliked.  It seems…coincidental?  Not really, I think it’s FDC.

So I’ve been thinking about Eminem, and reading about him, and listening to his music, I’m sure I’ll get over this like I do so quickly with everything else, but he really just fascinates the shit out of me to be entirely honest.  It’s funny too, how I sit here and think, what the f’ is the matter with this guy?  Why oh why is he so enthralled with this chick who treats him like shit?  And then I remembered Dave.  And how it was with him.  And I wonder if things would still be like that between Dave and I as well, if he were still living; can’t live together, can’t live apart.  I don’t know, it just all seems a little strange.

I asked Dave to show me that he was there and that he could hear me, and that he was listening to me, a few weeks back.  Don’t you just wonder sometimes whether things really could be the way you perceive them to be in your head?  It makes so much sense, and then it seems crazy as soon as you think as much as even trying to explain it to any other human being!!! 

Isn’t that how the story goes though? 

So anyways, if Eminem can go out there and say anything he wants, and say it because it has a purpose and because it needs to be said, and not be afraid of what other people are going to say, or whether or not other people will like him, then I figure I very damn well can too.  I mean, why not?  Unless I read through these journals and they mean nothing, say nothing, are worthless, etc.

But I know that’s not the case.  I know my writing and I damn well know it’s as good as it gets.  It’s a genre of its own, I suppose, so maybe it’s as good as it gets within that genre, but in any case, it’s f’ing awesome.  I need to remember that, in the sense of motivating myself.  I need to remember why it’s awesome.  It’s awesome because it has purpose, and meaning, and promotes understanding and open-mindedness.  It’s worth something; I know it is.  It’s going to be worth something to many other people.  There may be many others who hate it, or hate me for it, but I know it’s worth something and that it will be published.  It’s just a matter now, of me getting prepared.

Which brings me to my next section about babies.  I’ve been obsessed with having a baby lately, and it’s weird because I was like that not too long ago as well.  And there was an intermittent period of calm in between.  I don’t know what that one was about, but this one is about understanding that I have some work I need to get finished before I have that baby.  And also, that whatever is going to happen is going to happen.  So whether or not I hurry up the process is relatively irrelevant.  What’s meant to be will be.  I need to let go and let it happen.  I need to stop forcing things to happen, or to happen a certain way, or to not happen or to whatever!  I need to stop!  I need to remember what I’m made of. 

I choose to believe in meaning and purpose.  I choose to believe that I was meant to be a writer, and that my writing is going to help others in need in ways that I can’t even comprehend.  I choose to believe that I will be published.  I choose to believe that I will meet Eminem and whatever happens will happen.  I choose to believe he will be my friend, and not my enemy.  I choose to be open-minded.  I choose to let what will be, be.  I choose to let go, and to walk forward with the belief that I am who I am supposed to be right now, and I am at exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life.  I believe that if I prepare myself for what I want, the opportunities necessary to make what I want come true will arise.  I am the Queen of FDC and I believe it will all work out.

Later

Yeah…I don’t know.  Eminem’s a little dirty for me.  I mean, he’s talking about sticking his penis in Nicki Minaj’s anus in one of his new Bad Meets Evil songs, which…is a bit much for me to handle.  Maybe it’s because I grew up in a home where a foul mouth and dyed hair or whatever were frowned upon, but I’m not sure why that kind of language is quite necessary.  Maybe I’m missing something.  It’s just like, in some of his songs he has this admirable personality full of meaningful language, and then there’s this other personality that’s just f’ing dirty as all hell and I don’t really understand the point of it.  Not that every single word he says has to be dripping with meaning.  It just makes me uncomfortable.  I’m not sure that’s bad or good, probably both or neither really.  But all the same, I’m just not sure.  I wonder what his daughters think about all this.

Later

Oof…just found out via Facebook that Jen is having a baby girl.  I’m so excited for her but honestly it’s like a shot through the heart.  I want healthy babies, I’ll take all healthy boys, I mean it.  But I’m going to be heartbroken if I don’t have a baby girl.  And now Jen is having one.  I don’t feel like crying, but I sort of feel like crying.  I mean, not really, but you know, I just really want a baby girl.  Someday.  I suppose for now I have lots of work to get done.  Now is not the time, I know that, but please, please God, let me have healthy babies, and among them, please ohh please let me have a healthy baby girl. 

Later

Ugh, how am I supposed to get any work done under these conditions?  I think my heart is going to explode, not knowing if I’m ever going to have a daughter.  You know I used to sit in the bathroom next to the sink when I was little, and watch my mom put her makeup on?  I remember it vividly, I watched her so many times.  Ohh how I ache for a daughter!  It’s so hard not knowing if it will ever even happen.  I will just have to believe it into happening.  And so…I believe I am going to have a daughter, at least one, and probably two, and one son as well.  In other words, I believe I am going to have two daughters and one son, and they will all be healthy as can be (despite the odds ;0). 

I just talked to Stacey earlier today before I found out about Jen, and she was telling me how awesome her daughter is, how smart she is, and all about her little personality and spunk, and her love for handbags.  And Rachel’s got Arianna now.  I think I’m going to cry.  There are worse things in this world, and if nothing else, I can always adopt a baby girl.  But ohh, how I want a daughter of my own! 

Later

Who can get work done under these conditions?!?  I mean, if I’m not meant to have a daughter, I’m just not.  The thought just makes me sad because I want one so badly.  But you know, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.  I guess. 

It’s funny, just today I was working on my tracking system for my journal entry topics, and one of the topics right off the bat was my jealousy as it relates to Jen.  And I am.  Some people have it all.  I mean I guess not even with Jen because she had to donate a body part to her dying father, and she had to have knee surgery, and those types of things.  But ohh how it always comes down to money, another initial topic as well, coincidentally ;0)  She’s got money.  I don’t know how much, but enough to be able to have a choice to stay home with her kids and probably still live relatively comfortably.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about, all I know is she’s been to Europe like 17 times, she goes on vacations all the time, she buys tons of shit, etc.  But what can money buy you?  And what can’t it buy you?  That is the question my friend.

I may not have a lot of money, maybe I never will and maybe one day I’ll have plenty; that all remains to be seen.  But one thing’s for sure, I’ve got my mind and I’ve got my writing, I’ve got my insight and character and beliefs, and I’ve got my family.  I have enough money now to live comfortably, and if all goes well, I should hopefully continue to earn more throughout the years.  But money can only buy you so much. 

I will publish my book and be able to afford to stay home with my kids.  And then I will stay home with my kids, and I will write as well.  I will have a part-time nanny and I will write and I will raise my children.  I believe I can accomplish these things.

And on that note, I just would like to point out, that I graduated from law school and became a lawyer, something many people told me I couldn’t do; that I wasn’t smart enough to do.  And I did it.  And I did it amidst substance abuse issues, mental illness issues, medical misdiagnosis issues, brainwashing by horrible social worker issues, the death of my first love leaving unfinished business pending, social anxiety, etc.  I had the odds stacked against me in the first place with my grades coming out of college and admissions scores to law school, and then I went through all that other shit as well, and I still made it through and passed the bar!  I’m a trooper and I’m persistent and I have hope and belief in myself, and that’s all that I need.  I don’t care if people say I can’t publish a book, or that it won’t be successful, or that it won’t be of help or interest to anyone; it’s all bullshit anyway because, what would they know in the first place

I believe I will publish my book, that it will help thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people in many differing ways, that it will be of interest to even more, and that I will have a daughter and be able to raise my children fulltime and write and publish even more.  I believe these things will happen.  These things are going to happen.  I am going to prepare myself for them to happen and the right circumstances will present themselves to me and I will take them, and life will be even better than it is today.  I will be prepared, and I will make them happen.  Watch me.  You just watch me ;0)

Later

I just can’t concentrate.  Sometimes I feel like Adam doesn’t understand me at all, and wonder whether he ever will.  I mean, how could he if he doesn’t know all my intimate thoughts?  Problem is, I tell him many of them and he doesn’t really care to know all that much, let alone more.  This frustrates me.  I mean, I know he cares about me very much, but it’s like he only wants to know so much about me.  I don’t know why, but that bothers me. 

What also bothers me is that I seem to be the only one who does the dishes around here, he refuses to put a new trash bag in the trashcan when he takes the trash out, he leaves trash lying around constantly, he leaves his shit lying around everywhere, ugh.  He just drives me crazy sometimes.  But I know it could be much worse, and he has many many redeeming qualities.

I guess the thing is, love, it turns out, isn’t really what I thought it was.  Or at least, love as I know it is not.  It just feels like something’s missing, but I can’t quite figure out what it is.  And even when I think I have, it seems I’m just being unrealistic about things, and that love is what it is, and not what I think it’s supposed to be.  I don’t know, I see Andy and Rachel and think, that’s love.  Andy treats Rachel likes a princess.  He’s gentle and compassionate and patient with her, at least it seems, and I feel like I don’t have that.  I talked to Adam once about it, and he said you don’t know what they’re like behind closed doors, and that, well, something to the effect of he doesn’t want to be a pushover.  Not that he was calling Andy a pushover (although…I could see how one could come to that conclusion), I think he would just see himself that way if he acted like that with me.  And I don’t like that.

I feel like I shouldn’t talk about this stuff, that I should hide it, tuck it away someplace deep and dark, someplace where no one will find it.  And just leave it there, and pretend it never even crossed my mind.  But let’s be honest, people have doubts.  I mean, I wouldn’t believe there’s one person in this world who didn’t have some doubts about getting married or being married.  How could you not?  I mean, you’re making this commitment for life, when you don’t know what’s going to happen in the next 10 minutes!  Things change, people change, circumstances change, and this one thing is supposed to remain the same throughout all of that

In any case, if anyone says they never had a doubt, I either think they haven’t been married long enough yet or they’re a flat out liar.  And I can’t stand liars.  And really, I’d say that anyone who claimed that was a liar in the first place, because it’s simply not possible to not have one little doubt in your mind that this thing will last forever

Mind you, I’m not saying I want a divorce from Adam at all.  I’m just saying…sometimes it’s sad when you want something, when you hoped for it, and then you find out it will never be.  Or maybe it will be?  Maybe something will happen and Adam will clean up and become a dire romantic and for some reason want to treat me like a princess.  I’m not saying he doesn’t treat me well either, I just wouldn’t call it “like a princess”.  And maybe it’s good for me that he doesn’t do that, I don’t know.  It just frustrates me sometimes, and makes me wonder.

I feel a little down, to be honest.  I don’t know that it’s justified or not, I guess it’s just the kind of thing where you thought life would turn out one way, or hoped at least, and it turns some other unexpected way.  It’s not necessarily good or bad, it just is.  But it can be disappointing, in some ways. 

I’m still having negative feelings toward Adam’s mom; he even mentioned it to me the other day when I said something that upset him.  He said, you make these negative comments about her being a stay at home mom, and then you make more negative comments about them not having a lot of money, and those two assertions don’t fit together coherently, or something like that.  I just think she’s…I don’t know.  There’s just something about her that bothers me, like her emotional void.  Like how Adam was coughing up buckets of blood years back in his apartment by himself, and he called and told her on the phone, and she said we’ll you do whatever you think you need to do.  Can you believe that?!?  I just don’t get it.  I mean, I know she wants to give him space, but honestly, he could have died!  I mean why wouldn’t she have told him to go to the hospital?  It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

And this Marshall Mathers, he’s just putting on a show.  I don’t think he really feels the need to say half the nasty shit he says, I think he’s saying it because that’s what people expect of him.  Because that’s what his fans want to hear.  Or that’s what his friends want to rap about.  But what do I know?  I only know what I’ve read about him on the internet, which admittedly, is shoddy knowledge at best.  I don’t know anything about him, but I just get a feeling that it’s not quite him.  There’s just too much distance between his artwork; I don’t understand how he could be so poised and uplifting one minute, and so down and dirty the next.  But then again, I can be totally insightful one minute and an airhead the next, so what’s the difference?  I don’t know, it’s stupid.  I just get a feeling that there’s something more there.  I just don’t know how you could have three daughters and go around saying publicly that you want to put your penis in some famous chick’s anus.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  It’s disgusting.  But maybe he likes it, I guess?  Maybe that’s the way he really feels?  Or maybe it’s just an incomplete thought, and he actually means something else, he’s just not phrasing it right.  LOL…who knows ;0)  And in any case, what the hell does it matter anyway? 

I feel uncomfortable.