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Reflection from August 25th, 2007 @ Age 26

RE:  THE TROUBLE WITH LOVE.

I’m feeling repulsed by my behavior yesterday.  I went and took the testing for Attorney Laster on Friday in Falls Church, VA, and I did fine on the drafting and revision parts, but I couldn’t figure out how the fuck he wanted me to organize this information for this estate accounting he wanted me to do, and sure as hell couldn’t figure it out in half an hour in Excel.  So that was kind of a bummer, that it didn’t go perfectly and whatnot.  (Hah!)  But I still wrote out the essential parts of the accounting by hand so at least I had something to give him that was somewhat of an answer to the question.  I didn’t really have time to review it before my hour and fifteen minutes were up, but what the hell. 

And then I met with a terrible recruiter man on Friday afternoon who told me all of what I can and cannot do.  And he gave me his retarded view of the world and all that jazz, and am pretty sure he got off just having someone to run his face off to.  Bastard—the whole lot of them are bastards!  And surprise surprise, Ryan never called!  I don’t know why I got so excited about the whole thing—maybe because I haven’t quite had feelings like that for someone in some time.  Where, I tell you, those feelings came from and how they actually relate to Ryan remains unanswerable at this point.  Or, to say it more clearly in fact, I just don’t have the energy or the present inclination to rehash and analyze and conclude blah blah blah.

So anyways, I was in a terrible mood Friday and met up with Hersh and Jen for happy hour, except it really wasn’t so happy because Jen had a shitty day at work and was just tired, and I was in no mood to be out being social.  And I was trying not to cry before I started drinking, so the waterworks that resulted later (I’m told) were really not all that surprising.  It was pretty funny though, as Jen was rehashing the night for me (I had three shots and numerous other cranberry and vodkas…it was not good and I lost the end of the night), she said upon asking me why I was crying, I told her ‘for humanity’!  Hah!  And I’ll tell you the truth could not be more clear in that regard. 

Anyways, she also said they almost kicked me out of the bar because I was so drunk, and I cried on the way home on the metro and when we got home, I played in Jen’s puke looking for her birth control pill because she was afraid she might have puked it up.  Lovely, no?  She assured me that she made me wash my hands afterward.  I lost my sunglasses.  My money’s all gone (not that there was much in there from the start).  Ryan never called and I called him only once (thank god!) but sent him numerous text messages which were of the sort—how was your friend’s dinner party, no answer huh, you know I’m just as nervous about this as you are (or something ridiculous of that sort), and hopefully that was about the extent of it.  So, I discovered those on the way home, much to my chagrin, and sent him an email when I got home just saying sorry for the confused texting last night and hope all’s well with him and that he’ll find a job soon.  But alas, I’m sure not speaking with him is for the better—or, well, for my betterment anyhow.  Just like not speaking with Danny is better for me; because he couldn’t give two flying fucks about me (or whatever that saying is), so why should I even waste my time?

Ahh life seems so complicated right now.  I was so high and full of excitement all week and the bubble just burst yesterday.  It burst and left a mess for me to pick up after.  It makes me think about how I’ve gotten very good at recognizing and examining the situation when it is outright bad, but I’m beginning to see why it’s so important not to let myself get too high the other way either.  Allowing myself to get high off of circumstances that are beyond my control really sets me up for some supreme disappointment.  Kind of like the disappointment I feel over whatever the fuck happened with Ryan.  And over the fact that I thought I really actually might get a job out in DC sooner than later.  I feel way fucking down, and I’m gonna go watch a depressing movie to help me feel better.  Lovely idea, I think.