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Reflection from June 16th, 2011 @ Age 29

RE:  LEARNING TO BE TRUE, AT ANY COST.

I don’t have much to say tonight.  Earlier today I was ready to…well I don’t really want to say it.  But, suffice it to say, Adam came home in a terrible mood, didn’t say hi, took a shit in the bathroom downstairs off the kitchen and left the door open without turning on the fan, had a pretty nasty attitude, etc.  I was not a happy camper.  But I went and talked to him and I got him to want to go out finally, we went to DSW to get his brother’s birthday Sperry’s.  And now we’ve just been hanging out reading together, him about the stock stuff he loves and me, well, about Eminem ;0) 

It was weird, I watched 8 Mile and then I said something about Eminem having a tattoo on his arm of his daughter, and then a day later Adam said something about being on this Facebook page about CF tattoos where he posted a picture of his tattoo, and then he said something about getting another, and I was like why would you get another because I didn’t know he was even considering it, and he was like, why wouldn’t I?  And he had a dream the other night that is recurring, but I don’t think he’s had it for a while, but a dream that I left him for another guy.  And other kind of weird shit has been happening too.  Even before the whole Eminem thing, there were two times where I couldn’t get my body to…produce…the way it is supposed to.  Which is really strange because that’s never happened ever before.  I don’t have any idea what that was all about; not a clue.  I would be interested to know though.

So anyways, I feel like I want to be honest, so I will just say it.  Sometimes I don’t know if Adam and I will stand the test of time.  I mean, Adam’s always talking about how other couples have all these things that they just love to do together, and we don’t have that.  And then I reminded him that most of these “things” are things that cost money, things that we can’t really afford right now.  And then there’s always the fact that back when we were dating he called me annoying once.  Which I think I can be annoying sometimes, but sometimes I feel like it’s more than that.  I know he loves me, but more often than not, I get the feeling that he doesn’t necessarily like me all that much. 

I mean, he’s always saying you always want to argue and you’re too much like a lawyer and you’re always such a downer because you’re always thinking about what’s bad that could happen.  And then I think to myself, well…I love to argue, at least about philosophical things, and I’m like a lawyer in a way because I am a lawyer!  And because I’m a lawyer, I have been trained to think of all the bad things that could happen and how to avoid those things so that I can protect people.  So, I guess it makes sense then, that I am, in fact, the way he describes me, more or less.  I guess what bothers me is that, what he’s describing is something he doesn’t like.  Which, to me, implies that he doesn’t like me in those ways.  Which, I guess is okay, I mean he doesn’t have to like every single little thing about me you know?  But those are pretty fundaf’gmental things about me!!!  That’s what concerns me.

So, to be entirely honest, I have absolutely, positively no idea what is going to happen.  And really, I’m not sure that anyone else does either.  All I can do is keep my eye on the prize, keep heading toward my dream until I either get there or change my mind in the process.  But I’m pretty sure, I’m pretty damn sure about this book.  We’ll see.  I printed out two (what I think are) awesome entries today (12/24/07; 2/10/08) for my psychologist to read.  I think I’m going to call him tomorrow and see if he would be willing to read them, about 15 pages total, before our next appointment so we can discuss the whole idea.  I really can’t wait to hear what he has to say, and I really hope that it will be good, but more than anything, I just want it to be honest.  I think he can be honest with me, even if it has to be in a round about ask me a bazillion questions kind of way.  I want to know either way. 

So I guess that’s it for now.  I hope I’m not a horrible person for voicing my concerns about my marriage.  But I suppose, if I am, then I am.  I mean “horrible” person would be a judgment, and who would make that judgment?  Just from voicing an honest concern?!?!  I know there are lots of people that would, in fact, do just that!  But I’m not concerned with them.  There are people out there who judge, and only judge, because they couldn’t create something for shit.  Well here I am, and here I create.  So suck it!  It’s good stuff too; I just know it.  So we’ll see what the rest have to say.  I just have a feeling about this one.  I’ve had feelings before, but this one is different.  This one is different.