Reflection from May 26th, 2012 @ Age 30
RE: THE CEASING POINT OF SUFFERING.
Wow. I had the most wonderful dream last night! I just woke up from it now and made Adam go take Dietrich out so I could come in here and write the damn thing down. It wasn’t long or involved, it was simple…and wonderful. It made me so happy.
I was part of this traveling act, kind of like the circus but you didn’t have to be such a freakshow to be part of it, you just had to be really really good at what you did, and I was. And it was so wonderful!
And the rich people were there watching in the audience and I didn’t even mind doing my schpeel for them because I loved what I was doing and I was damn motherfucking good at it too, better than anyone else there and it felt at least like I was better than anyone else alive too. It felt so good.
And then the Flytz gymnastics people where there, Janine was a level 10, Demo and Nicole Knapp were elite, and I couldn’t recognize the rest (but just because I couldn’t see their faces, not necessarily because I did not know them), and then they were part of the show and I was in the rafters, in the bleachers watching them. And as I was watching I realized, “I’m not mad anymore.” And I didn’t feel angry anymore either! It was just the most amazing thing!
It was just as though I was separate from the gymnastics people and I was separate from the rich people and I was a part of this group of people where I finally fit in. But even in their group, I was still autonomous you know? I was still separate, because I had my own thing that I did, and no one else was even close to me, no one else did there, no one else did it as well there, and it made me happy. I was the best, and I was not angry anymore. I was separate from that which used to make me feel so horrible, all that stuff, all those people that made me feel so bad in the past. I still remembered it all, but it was like enough time had finally passed you know? Like I was finally healed. It was just phenomenal. I feel phenomenal. It’s amazing. I just can’t even describe it for you. I don’t even know what else to say. Except I’m gonna go revel in it for awhile while it lasts, (and while I play with Dietrich and make breakfast) because this, this feels some kinda motherfuckin’ good ;0)
Been afraid to put writing out there because what if the best I’ve got isn’t good enough? But if it’s that; if that’s true (which it’s not)—then I shouldn’t even call myself a writer. I should not bestow upon myself the privilege of that title. Because if that were the case I would not be a writer. But it’s not. And I am.
So we’re all good here. But I am driving and it’s unsafe so I’ll go. But mwah! I do feel good!
It’s my perspective. There’s nuthin’ like it.
Can’t be beat.