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Reflection from May 26th, 2012 @ Age 30

RE:  THE CEASING POINT OF SUFFERING.

Wow.  I had the most wonderful dream last night!  I just woke up from it now and made Adam go take Dietrich out so I could come in here and write the damn thing down.  It wasn’t long or involved, it was simple…and wonderful.  It made me so happy.

I was part of this traveling act, kind of like the circus but you didn’t have to be such a freakshow to be part of it, you just had to be really really good at what you did, and I was.  And it was so wonderful

And the rich people were there watching in the audience and I didn’t even mind doing my schpeel for them because I loved what I was doing and I was damn motherfucking good at it too, better than anyone else there and it felt at least like I was better than anyone else alive too.  It felt so good

And then the Flytz gymnastics people where there, Janine was a level 10, Demo and Nicole Knapp were elite, and I couldn’t recognize the rest (but just because I couldn’t see their faces, not necessarily because I did not know them), and then they were part of the show and I was in the rafters, in the bleachers watching them.  And as I was watching I realized, “I’m not mad anymore.”  And I didn’t feel angry anymore either!  It was just the most amazing thing! 

It was just as though I was separate from the gymnastics people and I was separate from the rich people and I was a part of this group of people where I finally fit in.  But even in their group, I was still autonomous you know?  I was still separate, because I had my own thing that I did, and no one else was even close to me, no one else did there, no one else did it as well there, and it made me happy.  I was the best, and I was not angry anymore.  I was separate from that which used to make me feel so horrible, all that stuff, all those people that made me feel so bad in the past.  I still remembered it all, but it was like enough time had finally passed you know?  Like I was finally healed.  It was just phenomenal.  I feel phenomenal.  It’s amazing.  I just can’t even describe it for you.  I don’t even know what else to say.  Except I’m gonna go revel in it for awhile while it lasts, (and while I play with Dietrich and make breakfast) because this, this feels some kinda motherfuckin’ good ;0)

Later

Been afraid to put writing out there because what if the best I’ve got isn’t good enough?  But if it’s that; if that’s true (which it’s not)—then I shouldn’t even call myself a writer.  I should not bestow upon myself the privilege of that title.  Because if that were the case I would not be a writer.  But it’s not.  And I am.

So we’re all good here.  But I am driving and it’s unsafe so I’ll go.  But mwah!  I do feel good!

Later

It’s my perspective.  There’s nuthin’ like it.

Can’t be beat.