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Reflection from August 10th, 2008 @ Age 27

RE:  LEARNING HOW TO MANEUVER MY WAY THROUGH THE “LIFE IS NOT FAIR” GARB.

Time is dragging.  I visited Stacey and Brian and baby Gavin this weekend and it was pretty fun.  Actually, I went with them to get Gavin’s pictures taken which was pretty boring but, that evening Brian made a fire out back and we sat around it and cooked hot dogs which was ohh so fun.  So it all evened out in the end.  I felt pretty comfortable with them.  I forgot my anti-anxiety meds so that was kind of a bummer; those always help me out.  Ahh well though, it was really nice to see them.  Gavin’s so big!  He’s three months old now and darling as can be.

It was kind of hard to be around Brian and Stacey and their happy home, since I’m obviously dissatisfied with my own life right now and wish I had the comfort of a companion who I’d love so much I’d want to make a baby with them.  I’m not really wild about babies to be honest.  I’m sure it’d be different if I had my own and all, but people’s baby voices really get on my nerves a lot of the time.  I know you kind of have to talk in baby voices to babies and all, what with all the expressive tones and joyful sounds, but it still gets on my nerves. 

I feel like I’m censoring myself.  I’m all out of weed and none too happy about it.  ——— was trying to get some for me but couldn’t and now I don’t even want to ask him to keep trying to get some for me because he’s been hitting on me and it makes me ohh so uncomfortable.  I hate it!  He kept trying to touch me by the fire last night, even if it was just his arm brushing up against my arm and it made my skin crawl.  I had to get up and move my chair further away from him.  It sure can be hard to deal with tactfully sometimes, the fact that guys fall for me left and right.  I can’t understand why, if this is the case, I choose only guys that don’t want to be with me.  If I have the wide variety and all, wouldn’t you think I would have been able to find a good guy by now?  I guess it’s not that I haven’t known good guys in my life before.  It’s just that I haven’t been attracted to the good ones who are actually into me.  Go figure.  The whole thing makes me sick.  I think I’m gonna have to go puke now.

Later

The hardest part is being around people who have such full lives.  I mean they have friends who call them on their cell phones, they have activities to partake in, they have significant others to enjoy, they have money to spend.  I don’t have any of those things.  Well, I mean I have friends that call me on the phone, but not on a daily or weekly basis.  More so on a I-forget-about-you-then-remembered-you-and-am-calling-to-say-hi basis.  It’s like Brian and Stacey have their families with whom they are very close, they have all these friends who call them daily, they go to weddings like it’s their job, they know people, they go on vacations, they have a lit-tle baby they made out of love, they just kind of have it all.  I suppose not being able to be a stay-at-home mom negates the having everything though.  Nobody has everything.  This I know.  It doesn’t really make me feel any better though.  And what about Bobby?  He most certainly has everything, right?  Nope, even he’s missing motivation and self-worth.  Nobody has everything.  But if you have gobs of money, then do you have everything?

I don’t know.  All I know is that money alone may not be able to buy you happiness, but it certainly doesn’t fucking hurt.  And it can most definitely make you happy in the meantime.  So what the fuck?!  I guess life’s just goddamn unfair.  There’s really no getting around it, is there?