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Reflection from November 10th, 2008 @ Age 27


Hello.  I went to a seminar today for work and it was all about wills and trusts.  It was mildly interesting (if you’re into that stuff, which I am not).  I think what I am realizing these days is that probate practice is just about basically synonymous with the practice in tax.  And I loathe taxes.  I loathe to pay them (having the little money that I do, that doesn’t even cover basic living expenses let alone my prescriptions), I loathe to think about them, I loathe to deal with them, I loathe having to do a return yearly.  I just hate taxes and I don’t want to have anything to do with them.  So, that means I best be looking for some other type of law to practice (since this is my backup plan and all).  I really liked the idea of practicing trademark law for Abercrombie and Fitch.  I don’t even know that I would fit into an establishment like that and all, but the idea is exciting, which is good.  It’s good to be excited about something once in awhile, especially as it relates to your career you know. 

Anyways, I was at this seminar and one of the speakers asked who all was an attorney and everybody else was and she said “what are you,” and I said “I’m a law clerk, I have to take the bar.”  And then I wondered why the fuck I offered the fact that I have to take the bar to this whole damn room of lawyers.  It’s just another example of improper disclosure on my part.  I need to learn better and faster regarding same because it really gets me into trouble otherwise. 

You know, the monotony of life really weighs heavy upon my shoulders.  I’m not sure why; other people seem to have such an easy time.  Or at least they’re all having an easy time right now.  I shouldn’t say that though because Andy is talking about taking on a part-time job because Rachel hasn’t been able to find anyone to watch in her in-home daycare.  And mom and dad overdrew their bank account last month.  With the exception of John who’s out spending hundreds of dollars on camping equipment, my family is really struggling financially.  It’s such a shame because we’re all such good, hard-working, kind, generous people, and yet the world has to fall so heavy upon our shoulders. 

But then again I think, I could have cancer you know.  Or I could have no place to live, no food to eat, no clothes to wear, no car to get around in, no grilled cheese from Steak and Shake for lunch.  I could have a dead brother or a kidnapped nephew.  I mean compared to all that stuff, my life is like a day on the beach.  There are sharks out there but there’s plenty of buffer land in between.  So I hate to complain about not being happy, but isn’t that all the more to the sentiment that things don’t really make you happy.  No, that’s not even true because I have my car to drive around in and I don’t have to share it with anyone else, I don’t have to carpool you know, and I’m so thankful for that.  And I have two healthy brothers and one healthy sister-in-law and one healthy nephew and two healthy parents.  I’m healthy.  I have a job that pays me almost enough to live off of, assuming I have a free place to live with no house bills.  It’s better than having no job and no way to pay my bills.  I have friends and family who are happy and fulfilled.  I really do have so much to be thankful for, but shall I be crucified if it all still doesn’t make me really happy?  I mean, I’m happy enough you know, I’m happy for the people around me and I’m happy for many of the circumstances in my life, but that still doesn’t fill the void of having no friends and no significant other.  Of having no place I can call my own home.  I have so much, and yet I want more.  Is that selfish of me?  Am I selfish to want a better life for myself?  I really can’t tell on that one.  I think maybe it depends upon semantics to be honest.