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Reflection from January 13th, 2006 @ Age 24


OMG you can’t even imagine the inner turmoil I’m going through right now.  So here it is, flatout and it’s Friday the 13th.  This morning I sent out a letter to Joaquin Phoenix to four different addresses.  Then, I just found two more addresses online and I’m all fucking mad because now I figure I’m doomed because I didn’t send a letter to the right address.  And I’m mad at myself for erasing the letter I prolly spent about five hours writing and revising because I can’t send them to these other addresses and I want so desperately for Joaquin to read my letter and smell my perfume on it and fall in love and contact me and meet me and then we’ll fall in love and live happily ever after.

What’s with this bullshit anyways?  I think all movies should end terribly and leave people just so down that if anything even remotely good happens it’ll be like a miracle.  And so then hopefully it would seem like this world was a good and hopeful place to live in instead of expecting a fairytale romance as a child and then becoming a terribly disillusioned young woman.  Ahh maybe it’s just me.  Whatever.  I’m in a pissy mood.  I feel completely irritable…ooh I wonder if some vitamin B would help?

Okay, we’ll see in about five minutes.  I’m thinking about standing up at the (huge) meeting tonight and saying I’m not new but I need a sponsor so if anyone would like to be a sponsor I would love to speak with them after the meeting.  I really think I’m going to do it tonight.  I thought about doing so last week at this meeting but felt I needed to think about it and make sure it was more of what I wanted to what I didn’t want.  Got that?

I’m going to start leaving these little flowery sword looking things at the bottom of the page open b/c they’re pretty!

Okay I had a very disturbing dream the other night.  I almost don’t want to put it into words and make it real it’s that disturbing.  Okay, so I dreamt that John, yes my brother John, and I were in love and had a sexual relationship and that my father was just furious over it and was trying to kill us, literally.  Like, as in murder.  And then another weird one was this—okay, there’s like this steep hill in a forest on the edge of a lake that’s black and looks thick and syrupy.  And so I have a bunch of these white cassette tapes right…that are from my cousin Sara’s library books.  And Sara’s gone, but coming back and will be very angry if they are missing.  So anyways, I have them and I go down to the edge of the water and the cassette tapes are with me and somehow get sucked into the syrupy lake.  And I’m terrified because I feel like I’m going to be sucked in too.  And then the sky overhead gets real dark and gloomy like, and stormy and I see people I sort of know out in the distance and panic because they’re going to die out there.  But then the darkness passes and I make my way up the steep rocky hill and find all Sara’s cassette tapes perfectly all fine and together and waiting to go.

Sades and Oliver love the strings attached to this her’ journal.  They keep whipping them onto the pages where I’m trying to write. 

So I’m so fucking sick of the fairytale right.  It’s so ridiculous you know, because life doesn’t ever really turn out like that at all.  And if I can’t hope, if I can’t believe because fairytales never come true, then what’s the point of trying at all?  I guess I need to hang out with some avid lottery people or something.

So here I am and I’m desperate because I want to know that there’s some cosmic chance, however minuscule, that my letter will find Joaquin and he’ll be so moved by my letter and prose that he’ll contact me and want to meet me.  And then he’ll fall in love with me and I with him and we’ll get to know each other really well over the phone while he’s shooting some movie and he’ll call me every night just to see what I was doin’ because he missed me and longed to be with me.  And then we’d work out the details, get married and have a handful of beautiful little Joaquin and Marissa babies and raise them as a family and grow old together and in love.

It’s too perfect see?  There’s too many contingencies, too many ifs.  But that’s just it!  Isn’t that what life is all about?  Timing and placement and chance…ohh here comes the FDC of which I am Queen!  Fate, destiny and chance.  Beauty, truth, and above all else, love.  Isn’t that it?

But if I can’t believe in the possibility I don’t want to live this life.  I don’t.  I don’t.  Because don’t you know a life without hope is like a night without stars?  But I hate that saying and you know, here in people reality, in the physical world…there are tons of nights without stars.  But I suppose that doesn’t mean that they’re not there.  It just means I can’t see them from here.  So there you go Maris.  The logic speaks for itself so you decide—logic and hope, or nothingness.

Well, obviously I choose the former, but I don’t feel like I truly wholly believe in it.  And something is pushing me into thinking that I have to be able to feel it to know it is there.  I mean after all love can be felt, right?

So is it me or is it not me?  Am I stopping myself from feeling it because I still refuse the bad?  You know, the truth really fucking hurts.