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Reflection from March 31st, 2011 @ Age 29

RE:  YOUTH PRESERVATION BY HEART ;0)

I’m feeling older than usual, older than I’ve ever felt in the past.  I think it’s because I’m approaching 30.  This girl who goes to Denison and graduates this spring came for lunch at the office today.  She worked for Mike Gunner last summer and she came back to say hello and visit.  I had pizza for lunch with her and Mike’s people and Paul in the conference room.  She got into University of Michigan law school.  She said she wrote her first check to the school already, the first of many.  Apparently she didn’t listen to what I said about student loans.  Oh well, hopefully it will work out better for her. 

She asked me if I had an apartment during law school and I said I did and lived by myself the entire while, and she said she was going to do the same.  Then she was saying that her parents are getting her a cat so it will be a good thing she is going to have an apartment, and Judy said that I had a couple cats in law school too, and she said something to the effect of “I am so unoriginal, I am following exactly what you have done.”  I wonder how she felt in that moment.  I felt embarrassed by the law school that I went to, that I didn’t go to a better one. 

She told me congratulations on my wedding and passing the bar exam and I said thank you and hoped to god she didn’t ask me any more questions about it, because I was embarrassed that I didn’t have a regular wedding (even though I wouldn’t have wanted one even if I could have had one) and embarrassed that it took me three tries to pass the bar exam.  I felt totally insecure in the presence of this 22 year old!  It’s absurd

Anyway, this girl is so nice and I just left the room without saying, “I have to get back to work but it was really nice to see you and good luck in law school.”  I just left.  I felt like it would have been awkward to say that for some reason, so I didn’t to avoid the awkwardness.  But then I just left without saying anything and went into my office and shut the door and that was totally rude and awkward and I hate that I did that.  It seems that I have a habit of becoming even more awkward socially when I try so hard to avoid the inevitable (or not?) awkwardness of social interaction.  It’s bad news.

I sat in on a meeting with Paul and a new client today regarding elder law.  At the end of the meeting, Paul left to get some business cards and I was agonized because I didn’t know what to say to the client.  He just said it was really nice to meet you and I said likewise and then it was silent and Paul came back in the room.  It’s just the smallest things.  I’m either worried I’ll let on that I’m stupid, or worried I’ll offend somebody, or worried I’ll embarrass myself, or worried about the remote possibility that there might be an awkward silence where nobody has something to say.  No wonder I dread social situations!

I just keep wondering, when am I going to wake up and start making the right decisions for once?  What day am I going to wake up and start being the person I want to be instead of the person I am by default?  When will the time come?  Tomorrow?  I truly hope not because as I have found, tomorrow never comes.  Tomorrow is always one day away; it might as well be never.  It has to be today or it is pointless.  Saying tomorrow means not today, it means I’ll put it off and worry about it later.  It means I don’t want to be bothered with it right now.  It means I don’t care.  Enough.

I am fat, my metabolism is slowing, my butt is saggy, my calves are bulbous, my arms are thick, my cheeks are drooping; I’m getting older.  The backs of my thighs are not smooth like they used to be, I keep wondering, should I wear this?  Or is this too young for me now?  And I don’t know.  But the worst part is—I know.  I know some of the clothes I wear now are too young for me.  I know I shouldn’t be wearing certain things, I shouldn’t be behaving in certain ways and I should be doing certain things and not doing others.  I know I should be acting my age.  It’s difficult though, getting older.  And I’m not even that old!  (Comparatively anyways.)

I don’t know what else to say.  My office will be complete tomorrow, about which I am totally excited.  I’m so glad Adam relinquished the guest room to me in its entirety.  He’s been a bit angry over it, but hardly.  He’s for the most part been really great about it actually.  So that’s been a relief.

Arianna still hasn’t been born.  That little girl!  She’s like me…doesn’t want to come out into this big wide world.  It’s so warm and comfy cozy in your mom’s belly.  You come out and it’s cold and it’s white bright and they slap you on your ass and there you go.  Send you on your way on your birthday.  I can’t wait to see her though!  I do hope she comes…question is, will she be a March baby or April?  Will she be an April’s fool day baby or be born on JenJen’s birthday?  It’s got to be tomorrow…I can’t possibly see how Rachel could hold her in one more day!  It’s been four days since her due date!  Oh boy!  Poor Rach!

That’s about all that’s going on here today.  Not a whole lot.  I’ve been tired all afternoon.  I feel fat and lazy.  But I’m excited for my office.  And I’ll have it and then I’ll start getting my work done here.  I’ll have my place in our house.  I’ll have a place to be.  It will be good.  I can’t wait.