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Reflection from February 12th, 2009 @ Age 27

RE:  THE VERY EXTENSIVE & UNDYING PARTICULARITY THAT LED ME STRAIGHT UP..

Alright, I got off track from the BARBRI course and now I’m super behind.  I just kinda slipped off and fell down.  Ahh well.  It’s not like I’m only going to be taking the test once anyways.  I’ll do my best of course, but I’m being realistic here people.  I cannot yet think like a lawyer, so you can’t possibly expect me to do well on this exam.  I must only have the horrible experience of taking it once under my belt.  Then I’ll go back in July having studied four months more, and I think I will be in good shape then. 

I haven’t heard from Stacey yet and I have a feeling it’s going to be a long while until I do, if at all.  Although she did respond to my inquiry of whether she had pictures of him, so maybe she’ll respond to this inquiry as well.  Hopefully she won’t know the answer to my questions and she’ll ask Brian who won’t know completely, who will then call Judd up and tell him I’ve been asking about him and want to hang out.  That’s what I hope happens.  I don’t know that it will, but that is my hope.

I don’t really have a whole lot else to say except I’m excited to get back into working on my book.  I won’t be able to do a whole lot of work on it because I’ll still be studying for the bar exam, but I will work on it in March pretty well and then somewhat April until May, then not so much June and July when I’m studying again with the review course (which I will try to keep up with this time around), but then big time in August.  So there you have it.  I have my schedule all mapped out.  I want to finish reading the first Lord of the Rings book as well so I can watch the movie with Andy and John.  I also want to meet John for happy hour one day after I take the bar exam.  I think that would be fun, we could meet at Easton or something.  And that will pretty much take up the rest of my free time.  And of course I will do some babysitting and get down to visit Brian and Stacey regularly and I’ll just have all sorts of fun activities to do.  So maybe then I’ll forget that I don’t have any friends here because I will be keeping so busy.  And maybe things will progress with Judd which would be fun.  And I’m going to go visit Danielle and Jes here at some point in April or May I think.  So that’ll be fun too.  So really I just have to get through this god awful exam and then spring will be on the way.  It’ll take awhile to get here still, but at least it’ll be on the way.  And I found some skin colored tape that I can wear on my foot when I don’t want my Star of David to show and it works just perfectly.  So that’s great too.  Thank god it’s only a little tattoo.  Anyways, I’m off to study.

Later

I just wonder if there are guys out there who would support a woman financially because they love her and because they can.  Say with Judd for example, pretend he made a shitload of money.  Imagine him wanting to support me financially while I finish my book and study to become a mom just because he loved me and he could afford to do so.  Imagine he would do that for me because money means nothing to him compared to me and my happiness and wellbeing.  It’s funny to think anyone would do such a thing from my perspective.  To me, I know it’s not true but regardless, money seems to mean everything, because all the money I earn goes toward affording mere basic necessities.  But I think life might look a lot different from the perspective of a person to whom money is no object.  They might be looking for love and for beauty, they might be looking for a woman to bear their children, they may be looking not for a career woman but rather a woman who wants to raise children, they may be looking for a woman who will let them take care of her.  These are all very real possibilities.  I know they are.  So why does it seem there’s no way in hell that could be possible?  Perhaps because all the guys I’ve ever dated before are selfish and self-centered and not givers but always takers.  My vision’s been skewed.  I need a fresh perspective.

Later

Ohh it really pisses me off that my parents got me this old school purple phone when my two years with Verizon were up, and I just found out from Rachel that I could have gotten a blackberry for fucking free.  I looked at my dad and he just said, sorry.  Ohh it pisses me off except that it’s not really my place to be pissed off because they pay for my cell phone.  It just irritates me that I could have gotten the phone that I wanted for free had they just asked me which fucking phone I wanted instead of assuming I would want an old school one because it’s purple.  Ohh well.

On to more important things…I’m glad I had the thought that I did above because I really do need a whole new perspective on boyfriends.  For starters, if a guy can’t provide for me and a family while still being able to have family time often then he might as well not even say hello because I don’t want him.  Also, if a guy does anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, having known it would because I already told him so, then it’s fucking over.  I don’t care who it is.  They obviously don’t care about my feelings if they’re pulling that shit before we even get to know each other.  What else?  I won’t date guys who aren’t looking to settle down and get married because that’s what I’m looking for and if we’re not compatible then we’re just straight not compatible and that’s that.  So that’s a good start.  I hope to god I’m not single for my entire life.  And I also hope to god that I will be in a place in which I can start having babies within the next two years.  All these requirements, but seriously, I know what I want, I just have to find it.  I don’t know if it exists, but all sorts of people out there exist and the chance that I might meet one of them who’s single and handsome and wealthy and smart is hopefully more than slim to none.

Later

I want a guy who’ll think of me when I’m not around and buy me thoughtful presents just because.  Like, Judy today was saying that she and I are the only two not getting a Valentine’s Day gift and I said, well my dad usually gets me something, and so then she said well then I am the only person who will not be getting something for Valentine’s Day.  So you know what I went out and did today?  I bought Judy a Valentine’s Day card and box of chocolates.  I want to be with someone who does stuff like that.  Who’s always thinking and on their toes, someone who takes hints that were not even meant to be hints in the first place.  I want a guy who sends me flowers all the time because he knows how much I love them.  I want a guy who wants to be with me.  I want a guy who wants to make babies with me and father my children, a guy who wants to grow old with me and witness each and every one of my days.  I’m very particular, in case you can’t tell, but I think now with a different set of priorities than say hormones alone.  I am particular because meeting the right guy is worth being particular for.  I am particular because I am unique for an infinite array of reasons, and my taste flows from this very particular life in being.  I just wish Judd would be the one.  I wish my whole world is about to change right before my very eyes and that I can’t even fathom the happiness that will blossom therefrom.  Ohh how I wish he were the one!

Later

I just keep thinking that with my luck Judd will already have a girlfriend by the time Brian and Stacey get around to communicating the message that I’m interested.  That would be just my luck, I tell you what.  I really hope not though, and I really do hope I think he is cute.  I could move to NYC.  Hell I’d love to move to NYC!  Ohh this could just be a fairytale come true!  It happened for Andy and Rachel and I’m a good person, so I don’t see why it couldn’t also happen for me.  Ohh how I do hope so.