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Reflection from May 8th, 2011 @ Age 29

RE:  AS IT TURNS OUT, YOU DON’T NEED $$ TO TRAVEL, *EITHER* !!

I feel very uncomfortable.  I sent my brother-in-law a Facebook message today essentially saying I kind of know what you’re going through with graduating from law school and looking for jobs and taking the bar and how much it all sucks, but that I really believe everything is going to be okay and work out well for you.  It sounds so retarded now that I say it; it was written a lot better than above, but it was the same type of message.  Just that when I was going through that horrible time I had trouble believing everything would work out fine, but I had people that believed that it would for me and that it did and that I really believe that things are going to work out really well for him as well. 

I don’t know— I feel totally embarrassed now to see him and I feel like I probably made him super uncomfortable, which I actually referenced because I said if you’re anything like Adam, it probably did; but, I said that I just wanted to say it anyways so that he knew.  I don’t know if it’s totally condescending or just sounds stupid, I don’t know.  He’s a guy and probably doesn’t really care whether I believe in him or how I feel.  Maybe he does, I don’t know.  He’s a really good person so maybe he won’t think ill of me for it.  It just worries me.  I try to do a nice thing and then worry and worry about it all f’ing day long.  What is it?  A good deed never goes unpunished?  I don’t really know what that means, but it feels like maybe it’s applicable in this instance.  I meant well anyway.  Ohh well.

So anyways, listen to this!  Adam and I are planning a trip to Europe!  We are going to use the rest of the wedding money his parents gave us to go, and we’re going to go to Paris, Switzerland, Venice, Florence and Rome!!!  Can you believe it?!  And I’m scared to death!  But I think it’s going to be one of the best things to ever happen to me.  I think it’s going to totally change my perception of the world and how I think.  Maybe that sounds stupid but, we’ll see. 

I really believe that it’s going to change my entire world.  I see these pictures and can’t even believe that these places actually exist and that you can go to them and see these things in real f’ing life!  I can’t even believe it!  I know it’s true, of course, but you know how I am— if I can’t see it right now, I feel like it could never be true.  Or somewhere along those lines lies my bad habit.  You know what I mean.  I just am totally excited about it!  It just feels like perfect timing, I finally feel like I am ready to go.  I mean I’m definitely still really scared and anxious about it, but I feel like I am ready which is all that I need.

So anyways, we’re planning it for next September, which means that we’ll go to Key West for a week in February and then to Europe in September!  What a year it will be!!!  I just couldn’t be more excited.  I ordered the travel books to start reading about all these places this morning, so I can’t wait to get those.  Now that I think about it, I hope I ordered the Paris book and not the France book.  I ordered Italy generally since we’re going to three cities there, but we’re just going to Paris in France and they have a whole book on it, so that’s the one that I wanted.  Okay yep, Paris is the one I ordered!  Hoorah!

So back to Harrison— he posted something three hours ago on Facebook, so I’m sure he read the message from me.  It was a private one just between him and I, not on his wall or anything.  But you know, I’m so anxious about this, I just want him to like me— which is so bizarre because, why do I even care?!  But of course I care!  He’s my brother-in-law!  Maybe some people wouldn’t care, but I do.  I’m just that way.  And if that makes me weird, then I guess it just is what it is.  I know I’m weird anyway, so it’s not like it’s anything new.

That’s a whole other issue though.  I’ve been different or weird or whatever you want to call it all of my life.  So wouldn’t, or shouldn’t, I be used to it by now?  I guess it’s because I’ve spent so many years hiding it—that’s why I am still afraid.  But I so much want to be proud instead of afraid.  But to get there I have to be brave.  I have to step out and let people judge me, and let people talk about me if they need to, and let people think I’m totally weird if they want to, and then whoever likes me in the end will be the people who are worth my time in any case.  At least then I would know.  I’m just terrified to do this.  I really need to just get it over with.  It’s terrifying for me though.

For instance, I am going to [Harrison] Lee’s graduation this weekend and he already knows I have a Star of David tattoo on my foot, but I don’t know if Adam’s parents know and I’m certain his grandma doesn’t know, and what am I supposed to do?  Just walk around William & Mary with a Star of David on my foot?!  I mean, I guess— honestly, why not?  I mean what the hell?!  Why does it even matter?  Except, it matters to me.  I am totally embarrassed about it.  Part of it is because I got a Jewish symbol on my foot but I am not Jewish and it has nothing to do with Judaism!  And then there’s the fact that I got a religious symbol for the sole purpose being that it embodies the name David, which is the name of my dead “friend”.  And then, more than anything, there’s the fact that I have a fucking memorial to my dead ex-boyfriend (who died because he was screwing around on the roof of his apartment building while he was drunk)!  The whole thing is just totally embarrassing.

I think the worst part is that I feel like it is totally disrespectful to my husband.  It is a symbol in memoriam to an ex-boyfriend.  I mean, the whole thing means so much more than what I’ve written above.  I really need to spell it all out, but now is neither the time nor the place (or at least not the time as in I need to get an hour of work in tonight and it’s already 7:35pm).  But, I don’t know—it’s so hard to explain any of it in words.  Which is funny because, I put feelings into words all the time!  I’ve put a million feelings into words, but this one—this thing, it’s so complicated I just don’t even know where to begin.  I promise I’ll try here very soon though.  It’s worth a try.

So in any case, not a whole lot else is going on here.  Paul is driving me crazy.  He wants me to get the website done, but gets passive-aggressively mad at me for working on it at home.  I guess I don’t blame him; I don’t want to be at work either with there being nothing to f’ing get done there.  But ohh well.  The website itself is coming along…slowly.  It’s coming along, but very slowly.  Paul doesn’t really want to have anything to do with it either, except to acutely criticize everything that I do with regard to it.  Which I know shouldn’t be insulting at all, and I know I shouldn’t take it personally—but writing is a very personal thing for me.  So I do anyways.  I’ll just have to get over that.  I will.  But honestly, Paul doesn’t want to have anything to do with it, and I don’t want to be at work and I don’t want to meet with Paul in his bad mood in his cold f’ing office, so that’s that I guess.  It will get done; enough said.

What else?  I’m afraid not a whole lot else.  Arianna is beautiful and my mom says she looks a lot like me, which would be really fun!  Sometimes babies look like other family members besides they’re parents!  Like their aunts ;0)  So anyways, she’s just an adorable little thing and I’m so happy to know that even if I don’t get to have a girl, at least we’ll have a little girl in the family always for me to spoil and enjoy.  I feel so lucky to have her; if she only knew!  That little thing ;0)

So Jen put a post on Facebook today about Happy Mother’s Day to all the mother’s and that she especially appreciates it this year since she’s about to be a mother.  I’ve called her like twice in the past two weeks and she never called me back (the bitch…).  No, she’s not a bitch; I’m just mad at her and I’m not sure why.  It doesn’t have anything to do with her, I’m sure of it.  It’s just like sometimes I get mad at my mother-in-law Andrea, and totally judgmental, and I don’t really know why yet, but it happens.  And I know it has nothing to do with her.  So I’ll have to figure that one out.  I’m just irritated with Jen right now and I guess I just have to figure that one out here pretty soon.  I’m not mad at Andrea right now.  I’ll tell you next time I am so I can figure that one out too.  It’s really a mystery; I don’t know why some people are just targets for me.  I’ll figure it out though, and then I’ll fix it and it will be fine.  I’m not too concerned.

So anyway, I really just meant well and to write a nice email to my brother-in-law to say hey, I really believe in you and think everything is going to be fine, so don’t worry if you can help it.  Everything will work out fine.  I don’t know who doesn’t want to hear that when they’re frustrated and scared though you know?  Well maybe I do now I guess.  Maybe a 25 year-old boy LOL!  Ohh well.   I just meant it to be nice and to try to help him feel better while he’s going through a rough time and to let him know I sort of at least know something about what he’s going through so he’s not alone in this.  I mean of course he is, but I’m here and I have some idea of what it’s like and how horrible it is.  I mean even with having a significant other who is really sick.  We really have a lot of things in common.  But who knows.  He may very well just not care to talk about it.  And that’s okay.  I just need to know when to keep my mouth shut.  I guess this will help me get some indication as to where we are at so I know better for the future.  And WHABAM!   There’s the reason for it!  Oh my gosh…

Yesterday was the most perfect day.  It was totally rainy most of the afternoon but the sun was out in the morning and Adam and I went to Tim Horton’s which was totally busy so it turned into a nice breakfast at the Sunny Street Café, where I came up with the idea that we need to go to Europe before I get pregnant and that I was finally ready to go.  And then Adam and I went to the bookstore and talked about it and looked at books about it and I am just so totally excited to have it blow my mind I can’t even tell you!  It’s going to change me.  I can feel it.  For the better, it’s going to change me.  I just hope I don’t get pickpocketed, or shot, or loose my meds or even worse have Adam’s meds stolen, or…

But I’m sure it will all be fine.  LOL.  I’m sure it will all be just fine.  And it will make me a better mother if I live through it.  It’s something that will mean something; it’s going to change me and I’m going to be so much better.  Ohh how I hope so in any case!  For now, though, it’s just a matter of getting thin (i.e. losing 25 pounds and much cellulite) for those Parisians!  I don’t want to be FAT in Paris!!!!!