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Reflection from July 19th, 2013 @ Age 32


I kind of wish I were dead right now.  I’m at Pistacia Vera with my apple croissant and my latte and bakery to take home, to mom and dad, about to go sign my divorce papers.  I don’t know why it could or should ever feel bittersweet after this horror show he’s put me though, but somehow, by the grace of god, it was this same being that saved me too back in 2009.  Invited me into his life, his condo, his future.  I really needed that then, just like I really needed all I’ve learned from the divorce about my strengths for this job search I’m about to embark upon.

It never ends you see.  But then, who am I to complain?  I look at myself, my self, not my entire life as a whole right now, but if I look at just the essence of my own being right now, I’ve never been closer to figuring out who I am and getting to be exactly who I am, comfortably, and what could be better than that?  And in the meantime I get all these pieces and parts of what I want, what I’ve worked so hard for.  Wonderful characteristics, I don’t know why it’s so necessary to suffer so much to be so good.  I don’t know why it is that being “bad” or “lazy” or evil I guess, is so much easier.  But is it?

Will Adam have it easier from now on?  I hope to never know.  I hope to never see or speak with him again.  I wish him well, as did he me eleven long months ago.  But now today, I wish him the best, but I let him go.  I fought the fight and I’m tired now, and I just want it all to be over.  And yet here, I find, we’re just at another new beginning.  How quaint.

Sigh.  How very tired I am.  For the good, there is always more to be done.  That’s one surefire key I’ve learned.  Evils never have anything really important to do.  Except of course if it’s to protect their money.  Otherwise, it’s all gold.