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Reflection from March 15th, 2007 @ Age 25

RE:  HUMBLE BEGINNINGS ;0)

Life is still sucky. It’s sucking! But at the same time it’s just not so bad after all…did I tell you how I’m angry with Dave? I just wish that boy were dead I’m so mad. But oops! He already is dead the greedy son of a bitch.

No now, I’m judging and clearly am thereby automatically thinking questionably. But still…what in the world was David running from all this time with his booze and beer? I guess I might as well ask myself the same thing right with greens and all. What am I running from? Unbearable pain? Or is it bearable but for my choice otherwise?

I’m deeply conflicted. I feel that I sound like a broken record! Got to try something new. What, though?

I’m angry at Neil. He says now he just doesn’t think he’s going to need a fulltime attorney. Asshole. So, basically you’re saying you don’t want what you’ve said you wanted all along. Asshole. Go to hell Neil! Well, actually, you’re clearly on your way so I can live with that. I’ll just have to regardless though huh? Talk about powerlessness!

Later

I fear it’s gonna be forever till I get to see Dave again which makes me restless and I feel my heart of gold turn to stone. It is hurting me! It hurts David. You’re hurting me! What else is new though, right? I’m hurting. I’m in severe emotional pain here! Gah! I’m anxious!

I’m having a hard time believing and thus I know now is the most important time to believe. I wanna be a believer! I gotta go see this House of Blues gospel breakfast down the road.

Later

And still I’m hurting. Will it never end?

I think Alexi said her birthday is May 12th and she’ll be 29! And she likes my Kohl’s birthday cake candle and Marilyn Merlot she’ll love. Mwahhh!

Later

Still hurts like hell. Talked with mama about David and she said she thought Dave was somewhere loving me right now but then she started on how ‘beloved’ I am and I got a bit weirded out.

It’s strange because I’ve waited so long now to have a baby in the family and now as I finally welcome a nephew, I lose the love of my life, or at least who I thought of as much. Love’s got me sick. Okay, right…from forth the fatal loins of these two foes…a pair of star-crossed lovers take their life, whose misadventured piteous overthrows, doth with their death bury their parents’ strife. O, I am fortune’s fool! Then I defy you, stars. (No! Not really because I am the FDC princess!)