Reflection from May 9th, 2006 @ Age 24
RE: EMOTIONAL PLANNING.
I’ve been absolutely livid with Danny over the past few days because he’s not the kind of guy I want to be dating. Although, don’t get me wrong, I do love him and I love many qualities about him too. I just want him to be all grown up into a man because I’m telling myself, then he’ll be the kind of guy I want to marry. But I’m lying. Danny’s Danny. And I don’t want that any other way.
I think, though, what’s really going on is that I am busy being angry with Danny for not being everything I want him to be as a boyfriend because I’m too scared to go out into the world and actually find the kind of guy I want to date and marry and make babies with (eventually, obviously not now or anytime soon).
I hope I get my period today. I don’t want to be preggers and especially not with Danny’s child. That’s a lie too, kind of. Partly because I love Danny and do want to be with him and have a family someday; and partly because I want to have it as a tool to manipulate him into being the kind of man I want.
I do believe everyone gets what’s coming in the end. I’m just not sure what that means for me in the end (obviously). And it worries me a little. Am I the kind of person that I want to be? Do I even really know what kind of person I want to be? Other than a “good” one obviously, that’s too general.
Sadie’s been hiding a lot under the TV hutch lately. I wonder what that’s all about? And Oliver’s been slightly reverting to his old ways but I think now, that it’s because I haven’t been playing with him as much lately. Good to know!
I know I don’t want to be the kind of person that makes plans with a girlfriend and then gets high with her boyfriend and forgets completely about her girlfriend like I did to Janine this past Saturday. I don’t want that.
And it’s such a sham relationship, me and Deek; always getting high together. It’s not real Maris. It’s just not. But we’re gonna get you through this glass wall so you can “be” with whomever you please.
I passed the MPRE! I was so excited and I wanted to call and tell people and I thought to call Danny and then figured what the fuck would he care anyways. I want to be with a man who knows pain and suffering like I do. Who acknowledges it and talks with me about it (and I with him) and we’ll work through these things together.
From what I know of Danny, he’s like almost totally devoid of any emotion at all. Maybe I like that in a sick way though too, because I prolly feel like I have enough for the both of us. But it’s just not so. I need emotional sharing to be happy in a relationship. That’s just it. But I also want to be with someone who knows how to deal with emotions. So I have sort of like a coach/cheerleader. Okay that’s a bad analogy but you know what I mean.
I’m thinking about moving in with Janine. Crazy huh? I miss having a roommate and I think Janine would be good as any for a girl like me. Which says a lot because I still am pretty weary of people, just generally. Anyways, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about now!