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Reflection from May 9th, 2006 @ Age 24


I’ve been absolutely livid with Danny over the past few days because he’s not the kind of guy I want to be dating.  Although, don’t get me wrong, I do love him and I love many qualities about him too.  I just want him to be all grown up into a man because I’m telling myself, then he’ll be the kind of guy I want to marry.  But I’m lying.  Danny’s Danny.  And I don’t want that any other way.

I think, though, what’s really going on is that I am busy being angry with Danny for not being everything I want him to be as a boyfriend because I’m too scared to go out into the world and actually find the kind of guy I want to date and marry and make babies with (eventually, obviously not now or anytime soon).

I hope I get my period today.  I don’t want to be preggers and especially not with Danny’s child.  That’s a lie too, kind of.  Partly because I love Danny and do want to be with him and have a family someday; and partly because I want to have it as a tool to manipulate him into being the kind of man I want. 

I do believe everyone gets what’s coming in the end.  I’m just not sure what that means for me in the end (obviously).  And it worries me a little.  Am I the kind of person that I want to be?  Do I even really know what kind of person I want to be?  Other than a “good” one obviously, that’s too general.

Sadie’s been hiding a lot under the TV hutch lately.  I wonder what that’s all about?  And Oliver’s been slightly reverting to his old ways but I think now, that it’s because I haven’t been playing with him as much lately.  Good to know!

I know I don’t want to be the kind of person that makes plans with a girlfriend and then gets high with her boyfriend and forgets completely about her girlfriend like I did to Janine this past Saturday.  I don’t want that.

And it’s such a sham relationship, me and Deek; always getting high together.  It’s not real Maris.  It’s just not.  But we’re gonna get you through this glass wall so you can “be” with whomever you please.

I passed the MPRE!  I was so excited and I wanted to call and tell people and I thought to call Danny and then figured what the fuck would he care anyways.  I want to be with a man who knows pain and suffering like I do.  Who acknowledges it and talks with me about it (and I with him) and we’ll work through these things together.

From what I know of Danny, he’s like almost totally devoid of any emotion at all.  Maybe I like that in a sick way though too, because I prolly feel like I have enough for the both of us.  But it’s just not so.  I need emotional sharing to be happy in a relationship.  That’s just it.  But I also want to be with someone who knows how to deal with emotions.  So I have sort of like a coach/cheerleader.  Okay that’s a bad analogy but you know what I mean.

I’m thinking about moving in with Janine.  Crazy huh?  I miss having a roommate and I think Janine would be good as any for a girl like me.  Which says a lot because I still am pretty weary of people, just generally.  Anyways, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about now!