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Reflection from February 3rd, 2011 @ Age 29

RE:  THE SPACE NEEDED TO PRESERVE A FREE SPIRIT — AND LEARNING TO COUNT BLESSINGS IN THE MEANTIME.

I don’t know what’s with me, it’s been weeks now, even months, and I just feel tired all the time and I don’t feel like doing anything.  I think it’s just the weather, but it’s getting to the point where I’m not getting things done which is not good.  I don’t know if I should see my doctors about it or what.  I guess I should see the psychiatrist although I’m afraid to do so because who knows what will happen if he starts screwing around with my meds?  And what if it’s just seasonal affect disorder?  And what if working out would solve the problem, and I’m just not doing that?  I can’t seem to find any sort of motivation to do much of anything.  It’s really frustrating me.

Also, I’m so bummed that Adam isn’t home anymore.  I miss him so much and I feel so awful because when he finally was home for two weeks in a row we fought all the time about the most stupid things, like the color of paint on the living room wall and how I don’t have a space all to myself in the house.  Who the f$#@ cares!!!  Because now Adam is gone (to Pittsburgh) and I’m all by myself again, which is worlds worse, and all that stupid stuff seems so trivial but it’s too late.  I mean, at least he’s not dead, that would be worlds worse.  It’s not so bad how things are now; at least he’s doing okay and should be home in 7-10 days if all goes as planned.  But what if it’s more than 10 days?  I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it, although I should just deal with it and thank my lucky stars Adam’s alive and well.  They have to get rid of his mild rejection here pretty soon and I’m glad they found it now and are working on the problem. 

I don’t know.  I find it difficult to complain when things could be so much worse; but at the same time, I still am finding it difficult to deal with circumstances as they are.  I don’t know how I’m going to make one more trip out to Pittsburgh!  I’m so tired of this all, but I should be so thankful and so willing and up for all of this just to have Adam alive and well.  I feel a lot of guilt lately about my conflicted feelings—how I feel and how I feel I should be feeling.   

I’m just so tired, that’s all.  I’m going to speak with my psychiatrist about it.  I feel so stupid because I was just in there January 23rd or something and I told him everything was fine.  And I guess I meant it in terms of not feeling manic or depressed or having trouble focusing.  But the problem is, I have been having trouble because I feel blah almost all the time, and I feel tired almost all the time (except for at the peak of my Focalin doses), and I don’t feel like doing anything with my time off, and I’ve been somewhat irritable (or it seems like that could be the case since Adam and I were fighting so much when he was home).  And my Focalin isn’t lasting me long enough to cover my billable hours for work each day.  So I don’t know what to do.  Talk to the doctor I suppose.  But I’m afraid to have him messing with my prescriptions.  But then again I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this either.

Maybe he can give me something even if it is just SAD.  I’m going to look up the symptoms for SAD…one sec…

Okay, I have every single symptom.  Afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration, increased appetite with weight gain, increased sleep and excessive daytime sleepiness, lack of energy and loss of interest in work or other activities, slow, sluggish and lethargic movement, social withdrawal and unhappiness or irritability.  I have SAD.  It’s not surprising I guess, I’ve had it every single winter for as long as I can remember.  I guess the only question is, what can be done about it?  Besides working out, because I am clearly not motivated to do that amidst my sluggishness and lack of interest in activity.  I wonder if there is any medication my doctor can give me?  I called tonight and left messages for my psychiatrist and psychologist so we’ll see what they have to say, hopefully tomorrow.

Anyways, I think that’s enough writing for now.   But… What to do?  What to do?  I feel like I ½ want to go to the gym, but it’s so cold and dark outside, and I feel like it’s going to be crowded in there too.  I hate the winter.  I can’t wait for spring.  I miss Adam.  See…my life is so great!  Why oh why am I complaining so if that’s the case?  I feel so naïve and young.  I wonder what “normal” people my age are thinking right now?  Probably about their children and their social lives and their…well, I really have no idea.  I don’t really care either at the moment, except to say I don’t feel like I am one of them.  I still feel different.  I’m still dealing with my mental health.  It’s not so bad, I have it so good, and yet I still struggle.  I struggle with good problems, not bad problems, as my grandpa would say.  But I still struggle.  I think that’s okay.  But why do I feel so guilty for it then? 

I don’t know.  I feel so boring and uninspired.  I feel so blah.  Hopefully the doctor can help.  I hate living like this.  Well I don’t hate it, because it could be so much worse.  But I strongly dislike it.  But it could be so much worse so why do I let it bother me so?  This is what I mean about feeling guilty.  That’s probably just part of the SAD.  I’m so confused.

I ate only about 1,100 calories today so that is good.  I’m not even going to have ice cream tonight.  That’s good too.  And I did get 5.1 hours in today at work so that’s good as well.  So it’s not so bad.  I talked to my mama today and we’re going to hang out on Saturday, which I’m excited about.  I’m finally going to get Sadie to the groomer, which I’m happy about.  Adam just IM’d me, which I’m happy about!  Yay!  I love my Adam so, which I’m ecstatic about.  So see, it’s really pretty good.  I am good.  I just have SAD and I will see the doctor and do something about it.  I will be fine and things are good.  See, I’m going to be just fine.  Ah the mind is a powerful thing.  If only I could use it to get to the gym.  If only…

Later

Still sitting in the same place on the couch.  But I haven’t eaten any ice cream, which is good!  I almost forgot but just remembered to share this.  Adam wrote me this the other day…

“I love you like the setting sun on a beach, like driving with the windows down on a summer evening, like watermelon sherbet with gummy bears on the patio outside, like you in a robe getting out of the bathtub, like you under a blanket in front of a fire, like your cute nose on your beautiful face.  I love you for what you stand for and believe in.  I LOVE you so much and I don’t say it enough.”

He doesn’t think he’s romantic or good with words but I sure do love when he tries.  I think he doesn’t know what it means to me.  I don’t know how to convey that to him quite yet.  But boy do I love when he tries!