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Reflection from September 17th, 2007 @ Age 26


It’s a terribly judgmental world we live in, have you noticed? I went in for the interview this morning and the girl waiting to precede me was just as pretty but with blonde hair and a Prada bag. Cute suit too. I have a feeling they picked her. I also have a feeling I will be getting no call back. They’re looking to replace a licensed attorney which I am obviously not. So much for that.

I am going to call my book “Chronicles of Youth”, have I told you yet? I’m really excited about the title; it just came to me and I like it because it reminds me of CS Lewis and also because that’s exactly what these journals are…chronicles of my youth. So there you have it…title’s done lover!

I’m feel as though I am being contorted from this beautiful human being into this evil nonbeing who neither thinks nor sees. I won’t allow it to happen to me. It’s awful.

Today in the interview they asked me if I “obviously took the bar in July and are waiting on results.” I said no, I haven’t been sure whether I wanted to stay in Ohio so I did not and they said are you signed up for the February bar and I said no and then think I perhaps answered “incorrectly” as to say that I could be signed up for the February bar if need be. Hah! So I think there was a lit-tle bend in the road there.

You know, Jen, Bella and John have read a very very very limited amount of my writing (as in, a few pages), but other than that, pretty much no other human beings in this whole wide world have yet heard what I have to say. But that’s the thing. When you think about it, no fucking other human being has ever read all I’ve had to say. Except, then again, the 77 or so who have read my myspace blog, which is definitely worthy material. I am shocked! And yet it’s so obvious too! It’s your time lover! Time to spread those wings and fly!

It’s funny because I’m feeling way better after having this conversation with myself! I spoke on the phone with my father today and it was very nice. Max growled at me for bringing him back in from outside…go figure! And now I’m at John’s in the garage hanging out with Layla, though I’m not because I brought her out here but it made her a lit-tle nervous so I let her back in. It’s very comfortable in the garage though and it’s nice Johnny has places to sit out here! Hoorah!

I wonder what Kara Deitrick is doing today. I wonder if she ever thinks of me, because I sure do think of her. My sister golden hair.

Ohh my god Layla is so beautiful! I just love her! You know…I wonder if my writing will release me.

I can’t lie; I’m gonna tell you the truth and that’s this: I don’t want the old people from Kelley and Ferraro to even call me back. I got my own way I’m gonna help people. And that’s what I want to spend sixty hours a week developing and exploring. I know I’m qualified. It’s just a matter of finding someone who believes in me, who can help me navigate my way through doing so. I need a mentor. Hear me now god (or at your earliest convenience)…I need a mentor!

One year, one month, ten days and counting!

You know what? Now that I think about it, I’m kind of glad I didn’t get the job. I hope somebody who really wants it and who’s really perfect for it gets the job. And if it’s that cute girl, then I hope she got the job. Because I hope there’s somebody whose world is just made for today by that instance, and I want them to be happy and rejoice because they’ve finally landed a great job. Because that’s what I want for myself too…to find that thing that is just perfect for me. I want that for all human beings and I want all human beings to have the strength and foresight to help others and to help themselves towards this goal. That’s my prayer for the day.

I wonder if Oprah would listen.

You know Ellen Degeneras strikes me as the kind of person who has struggled real hard and was able thereafter to really find her place in this world. She’s so Ellen on her show and I just love it! What with the dancing and jokes and just lovable dovable Ellen! And her girlfriend is beautiful! Portia oh Portia strikes me as having been through and still bearing so much pain. I wish to god if you can hear me, to send Portia some help to relieve her pain. And to take care of that Ellen because today, she’s my inspiration.

You know this Star of David is my north star in that it keeps me grounded. It’s funny how more and more meaning flows from this symbol on my foot each day. It also has been reminding me lately of all the suffering human beings cause to one another, myself included and I like being remind of that daily. I need to be reminded of it daily. I also need another AA meeting here real soon. I’m starting to forget very important things I don’t want to, but can’t seem to help (in this society anyways) but forget unless I take conscious steps as often as possible, daily or weekly ideally, to remember the most important things!

I think I would like to become distinguished in my own right, and not because I’m trying to conform to somebody else’s idea of what is ”distinguished” or “special” or “worthwhile”. I want to define distinguished, special and worthwhile; I want to make them. I want to be them in the most heartfelt, genuine, divine sort of way.

Funny funny, I just got call from a DC recruiter to whom I explained, as she called it, my “awkward position” hah! So I told her thanks for calling and if she ever gets anything across her desk requesting someone in this “awkward position” to feel free to give me a call. Funny thing is, she sounded so sad for me and I sounded so matter-of-fact! Too funny!

It’s funny how there are certain cardinal truths that hold through although every damn other thing in this world is constantly changing. Like treat thy neighbor as you would have your neighbor treat you. Or however you say it, but you know what I mean.

I’m having a divine moment and I’m rejoicing!

Ohh my god John’s door now has opened two times right now in the last thirty seconds. Freaky! Freaky Deekie! I miss you my Deek!

Have I told you how ironic it’s been that of all the lousy cheats, liers and crooks that get to take the bar exam, I, perhaps as honest as they come, or coming close, have not been allowed in! It’s ironic isn’t it? That one person that actually still does have a conscience can’t be part of the attorneys’ club. Ohh the irony of life. It makes it unbearable if you’ve not got the right mindset. Thank god that I do, or at least am consciously working on it!

Ohh my god I just remembered that I made computer backups the other day and I might’ve saved the typed portion of September 13th! Ohh hoorah! Thank you god! I’ve got to check on that when I get home hoorah!

I can’t believe I have my biggest dream yet right around the corner! It’s here and I’ve got it and it’s within my very grasp. Thank you god! I really do think I want to be in Washington DC, working for a public service organization, namely the ACLU. And I’ll work thirty hours a week there and I’ll write the rest of the time. I’ll write my second book and for one or more different publications. We’ll see who’ll have me. It should be interesting!

And I’ll tell you what…as long as we’re dreaming here…I will agree to offers from magazines to pose on their covers and do interviews, I’ll be on Oprah and Ellen and go see Kelly Ripa! But I’ll also agree to do photo shoots for the likes of Chanel and David Yurman and Givenchy. Christian Labounte will have me for his glass slippers! Ohh dreaming is fun!

You know what is truly making me happy in this moment…that there was a time when I walked this earth together with Jeff Buckley. And likewise with Dave. Ohh I’m missing David terribly lately! It’s so hard to feel, but it feels good at the same time, like a release.

I can hardly believe this journal’s almost through and I just got a tickle on my foot, on my Star of David, and I love you too David my dear.

I love that John has the painting I did at Denison of a damn pitcher up on his mantel! And I love Layla! She just came over to visit me in the lazy boy and let me scratch her ears and neck! Ohh what a doll!

Ohh or I could call the book An Opening Mind, or I could call it Chronicles of Youth: An Opening Mind. Ohh I could take a nap I’m so tired! I drove some six hours today, or at least by the end! Ohh goodness am I tired!

I think for the book cover I’d like it to say, Chronicles of Youth: An Opening Mind, with my picture from myspace of me looking into space and a Star of David on the back in navy blue just like so…