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Reflection from February 1st, 2009 @ Age 27

RE: Utilizing Love to Cure Psychological Interference in the Law.

Ohh my god!  The more practice questions I do, the worse I get at them.  Granted I’m reading through the questions and just picking an answer because I have no time to think in the time they give you to answer the questions.  But that’s what I need to be doing right?  To be practicing the questions under the same conditions as will be permitted during the exam?  That’s what they say I’m supposed to be doing.  The hours go by, one after the next, and nothing is remaining in my head.  I really am curious as to whether my medication is affecting my memory because I’ve never had this much of an issue with memorization before.  I mean, granted I’ve never had that great a memory but still, this is getting to be ridiculous.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I know I’m going to flunk this test the first time at least.  I just can’t remember all that it is I need to remember to pass the exam.  I just can’t do it.  I’m not trying to be negative, I’m just being realistic here.  My brain is mush.  It’s failing me when I need it most to perform.  My mom told me, at the end of law school I would have to take the mother of all exams, the bar exam, and I said sure I can do it.  Well here I am and I cannot do it.  I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to do it.  I don’t know what to do to prepare for the exam because I don’t know what will most help me to do.  I’m in a bind as never before.  I don’t know what to do.  My memory is failing me and I need it to work in order to pass.  I just don’t know what to do with myself.  And I’m terrified my parents are going to see that message.  It would be their own fault though for reading through the text messages that I sent.  That would pretty much be a violation of my privacy on their part, and I bet they’d sure be sorry too if it happened.  I’d never want to read that about my child.  I’m just uncomfortable with the whole thing that happened, that whole situation with that creep.  What an awful situation I’m in at the moment.  It could be a lot worse, but it definitely could be a lot better too.  I think I’m going to call JenJen.

Later

Okay, that didn’t really make me feel any better.  I love JenJen but it’s painful talking to people who’re at so much better stations in life than am I. 

Later

My mind has gone to hell.  I’m trying to do so well with this bar stuff, struggling to keep up with the program and trying to memorize the outlines but it’s just too much information for me to process and handle and retain.  It’s so fucking hard.  I hate it.  I hate my life right now.  I hate that I have no friends.  I hate that I have no boyfriend.  I hate that I only have seven more good baby-making years left.  I just hate it hate it hate it.  I don’t know what else to say except I took my anti-anxiety meds and now I want a cigarette. 

Later

Ohh my god.  It’s painfully obvious that I do not yet think like a lawyer.  There is so much information to know and it’s just not sinking into my brain like it should be.  My memory is literally failing me.  I don’t know what to do.  I will keep up with the program I guess, but I really don’t know what is going to help me memorize this information.  I have a crazy idea though that maybe I could videotape myself reading the outlines out loud.  Then I could watch the video and see how well I was able to speak, and not just read the outline.  It may just work.  I just have to find my video camera then and get a new tape or two for recording.  I think that just might do the trick.

Later

No, strike that.  I don’t think reading the outlines out loud will help the information sink in any better because I’ll be too focused on reading it and not focused on absorbing it.  Whatever that means.  You know I had a dream last night that Michelle Obama was my gymnastics coach and I was at practice on vaulting and I was talking with my teammate about where to get leotards and she said they’d have some at Joann Fabrics.  And then I woke up.  And speaking of gymnastics teammates, I never heard back from Melanie to whom I sent a reply Christmas card telling her I graduated from law school but then got sick and was having a tough time and was looking for someone to publish my book.  Hah!  What a weirdo I am.  But yep, I never heard back from her.  She’s a bit of a fucking weirdo too though.  She sends me these cards telling me about all of the wonderful meaningful (to her) things that she does, but it’s the strangest thing because it isn’t personal at all.  It’s like a recital of her resume or something.  I don’t know if she’s trying to convey to me that she’s not a failure or what.  I don’t know, the whole thing’s just very strange.  She lives in Brooklyn NYC now.  If I move in with Judd I’ll have to write her to get together.  Ohh wouldn’t that be so wonderful to move in with Judd and he’d pay for my living and school loan expenses and allow me the opportunity to finish my book and find a book agent in NYC.  That’s my dream.  We’ll be engaged and that will all happen, and then at the same time I’m finishing up my book we will be planning our wedding, and then we’ll get married and move to Columbus, buy a beautiful house on the river and make babies.  Lots and lots of babies.  Ohh how I wish Judd was the one.  And that Stacey would set us up.  And that we could fall in love forevermore.  Ohh how I wish!

Later

Okay, well I just talked with Stacey and she said nothing about Judd.  We only talked for a few minutes though because she had just gotten home from Jude’s and had to pump before she got to bed.  I think I’m just dreaming here you know.  I just wish for the opportunity to finish this book up because I think it could really help a lot of people out.  I think it could really increase understanding of what it means to be bipolar.  I’m the perfect person to shed light on the issue, if only I could have the chance.  Please god, help me figure out a way to finish this book and find a book agent because I know I could help a lot of people out and I want to do work that is meaningful and fulfilling and helpful to others.  Please god, help me find a way.