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Reflection from April 3rd, 2011 @ Age 29


I realized something last night when I was getting dressed for the event on Friday night.  I was trying to figure out what to wear and had something in mind but felt like I shouldn’t because it wouldn’t fit in with what everyone else was wearing.  But then I thought, I don’t want this!  I don’t want to change who I am just so I can fit in with everyone else.  I mean, sometimes I wish it were easier to be different than everyone else.  That’s definitely and for surely the case.  But that doesn’t mean that I genuinely want to be like everyone else rather than myself.  It means that I’m afraid to be different and that I’m still afraid to be me.

But that’s just it.  I am beautiful.  I am beautiful because I am different.  That’s what makes me beautiful, that I am not like everyone else.  I am different.  It’s a good thing.  It’s such a beautiful thing.  I am weird and strange and funny and eccentric and exotic and mysterious and perplexing and wonderful.  And it’s all because I am different.  I am interesting, but not just because I know a lot of about a lot of stuff.  I am interesting because I don’t know everything about everything, because the things that I do know are not what others typically know about.  I am interesting because I say things that most people don’t say; things that most people wouldn’t even think to say because they don’t think like me.  They don’t have my perspective and they don’t have my depth.  I am different and it is beautiful.  I am afraid, but I am beautiful.  I would much rather be that than anything else that was like everyone else.  I would much rather be me.  There’s no one I’d rather be.

So then the question becomes, why am I so afraid?  What am I afraid of?  What’s the worst that could happen?  People wonder?  People talk?  People ask me questions that make me uncomfortable?  But I become uncomfortable because I am afraid.  So what if I weren’t?  What if I weren’t uncomfortable to be different?  Oh what a beautiful thing that would be to be beautiful and different and to be proud of that.  Oh how wonderful that would be!  That’s who I want to be.  I want to be different and proud because I am, and because that’s what makes me beautiful and I know it.  And I show it.  I want so much to be beautiful and I know what it means to be that.  I just have trouble figuring out how to be that.  But I don’t think most people even have any idea what it really means, so I am that much further ahead.  Oh how I want to be genuinely, sincerely, honestly and completely beautiful!  Oh how wonderful it would be!

This is how I figure it is:  you can look at your life as having been perfect when you were born and just having mauled it up since then, or you can look at your life as having been a blank slate that could have and has gone either way.  Which way did it go?  How many bends in the road have there been?  How many twists and turns and dips to bear?  How many hills and mountains and bridges to cross?  How does it change you?  How does it make you? 

We have so many choices in this world, so many decisions to make.  Some of us don’t know what we want, some of us know, but don’t know how to get there.  Some of us know, but don’t have the motivation to get there.  Some of us know and try and try and try again to get there.  Some fail, some make it.  Some are lucky, some unlucky.  But where is the beauty?  How could the end result, one small teeny tiny factor that is hardly relevant be the determining factor?  It could not.

Tomorrow I will wake up and I will begin living the life I want to lead.  I will waver, I will fail at times, I will try and become frustrated, but I will not think that I cannot be who I want to be.  I will say to myself, tomorrow never comes but today you do have.  Today you have.  Who do you want to be?  Well then be that woman!  Be her!  Be!  Just be but be who you want to be!  This is the only chance you have to make it right, to be who you want to be.  So be and be well.  Be good and be generous and be forgiving and be beautiful.  Just be her Maris!  Be her already.  What oh what are you waiting for?  What, after all of this time, have you been waiting for?