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Reflection from October 25th, 2008 @ Age 27


But the point is, here I am standing naked before you, my humanity shining through for all to see.  What could be more interesting than that?  Isn’t that what true art is made of?  The display of the honest to god human being with all its downfalls and frailties?

Sure, the wonderful times and wonderful qualities humans can possess are intriguing to see once in awhile.  But who wouldn’t rather choose to see the beautifully marred human being?  The wonderfully conflicted human being?  Who wouldn’t rather see the contrast between what we could be, good and bad, and who we really are?  Aren’t these the characteristics that make humans so interesting in the first place?  Isn’t beauty a consequence of the struggle between what is good and what is evil?  Or what is right and what is wrong?  Isn’t the beauty in the gray areas where there are no answers, only questions upon questions?  Well I think so my friend.  I most definitely think the beauty is within me.  Do I have what it takes to share that beauty with the world?  That remains to be seen.

You know what the worst part of this is?  The worst part is that I am not being entirely upfront and honest with my mother about having smoked over the past year.  That’s the worst part.  Because having to lie to the people who love you and are desperately trying to help you is beyond awful.  Being that marred human being is awful.  And yet there are sometimes allowances and extenuating circumstances upon which the marring can be forgiven.

Perhaps one of the other most beautiful sides of the human being, is our capacity to forgive others and to love others even though they have hurt us and betrayed us.  In the darkness a light can shine through.  Sometimes this happens.  I just don’t know whether anything shining through me bears such bright light.  I don’t know if I am hereafter, all darkness.  All I know is that I want to be able to forgive others, because I want others to be forgiving of me.  I feel I’ve been so judgmental of others all of my life, and yet I’m only now discovering the expansive depths to which my indiscretions have fallen.  I just don’t know what is going to happen to me.  I don’t even know what to think anymore.