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Reflection from December 5th, 2007 @ Age 26


Well I’m tired as hell so don’t quote me…in fact, don’t ever quote me—but if you must, don’t quote me when I’m tired as hell because when I’m that tired, it means I’m least likely to be accurately expressing the mess going on inside this little head of mine.

I spoke with Anastasia yesterday and she promised me that things were going to get better.  She said I chose a hard road and she’s envious as hell and so and some nonsense—but it’s just hard to get past this daily crying I’m prone to…this daily suffering because I’m not where it is I thought I would be at this point in my life.  The thing is though, I had no fucking idea where I would be at this point in my life at any time before this point in my life, so I’m not sure where the expectation came from.  Nonetheless, somewhere along the way, I bought into someone’s expectations and all they’ve brought me is pain and misery.

Anyways, to tell you the truth, I’m a little worried about my love Anastasia.  She’s engaged now to the boy who said that if you need to see a counselor for relationship advice, you shouldn’t be getting married in the first place.  I see he’s not one for taking preventative measures, at least not emotionally—but that’s beside the point I’m currently trying to make.  That comment raised a red flag, but I came across another during my conversation with Ana yesterday, that was even more alarming.  He said that everyone gets to feeling suicidal sometimes and this is the best part—he said Ana’s crazy if she thinks otherwise.  Now, I’m not even sure how much I agree with the first part of his assertion—but it’s the second part that really bugs me.  I feel like this is what’s going on, but I would never dare say this to Anastasia because I don’t know this kid at all and if she’s happy and wants to marry this boy, then who am I to say otherwise?

Anyways, Anastasia absolutely idolizes this boy…for whatever reason I cannot bring myself to call him a man.  She idolizes him, and I can tell because I can hear it in the way she speaks about him—she really thinks this guy knows what he’s talking about.  But the part that scares me is that I think, from the very little information I have on him of course, but I think that he knows this.  I think he knows this information and gets off on it, and that once she becomes disillusioned with him when she realizes that he’s nothing more than a flawed human being just like the rest of us, that the whole nature of the ballgame will change into something she didn’t really want to sign up for in the first place.

But of course, I speak of disillusionment with respect to Anastasia and it raises my own red flag—because I am the one who is most disillusioned at this moment and I don’t think it would be fair to attribute it to others to protect myself or whatever line of nonsense that thought pattern leads to.  I just know Ana—and she and I are very alike in many fundamental ways, and I just have a feeling.  I will not act upon it because people have to be free to make their own mistakes, and beyond that I am so ill-informed as to be making this kind of judgment upon anything other than gut feeling, that I wouldn’t dare assume that I have some sort of educational assessment worth sharing with others.  Except that I may share it with Stella—but only because I need someone to knock the idea around with and Stella’s my best buddy for that.

It’s funny how we can all see other’s destructive patterns so clearly, but are so utterly muddled when it comes to our own.  Just another cruel irony of life, I suppose.