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Reflection from September 25th, 2007 @ Age 26


I just cannot stop crying.  I cry and I cry and I cry for all of humanity and for all of my fellow brothers and sisters who are so desperately suffering every moment just as I am now, so desperately, and I don’t want the suffering to stop because that is the point when I begin pretending.  That is exactly the point when I begin pretending that I cannot see all of the suffering that is going on in the world around me.  That is the point when I save myself at the expense of all other humanity that still suffers—all my other brothers and sisters who have not the resources to dull the pain out.

It’s funny too, because I myself do not have the resources.  I am approximately $140,000.00 in debt, I have less than $10 to my name, and although I have health insurance—it pays not in full for doctors visits or prescription medications.  And if I buy into their scheme—if buy into it, then I will only be supporting the regime that I hate most in this world.  The business executives and head honchos and entertainers and trust fund babies who will never be rich enough to stop taking what is not theirs.  To stop stealing from the rest of humanity so they can buy their yachts and have their fancy dinners and designer clothes and exotic vacations and highest end cars.  I am damned if I do, and I am damned if I don’t. 

It’s so funny too, don’t you see the irony?  That “they” say don’t use drugs, don’t use drugs, don’t use drugs!  But not a damn fucking person in this awful American country is doing anything to bring about a change.  We all just buy into it, because the only other option seems to be to cease living in it.  You either agree to be dulled to the pain and support others suffering, or you must take your own life in order to stop the perpetuation of the system.  And the best part is…if you can see clearly enough on your own to recognize all the pain in the world—if you can see through this façade of distractions and deceit, then of course they want you to start taking their drugs.  Take our drugs so you no longer must suffer from the sight that is other people’s plight and destruction and pain.  Let us drug you so you feel better, but let us not get to the root of the problem.  

It’s the whole system that is fucking us up, and we merely turn a blind eye and pretend that it is okay that they are stealing from us—we pretend that it is okay that some people have everything and others have nothing.  We pretend that those who have nothing, have nothing by choice—but we have not the time nor the energy to truly listen to what these people have to say.  Neither the time nor the energy.  I have found this time and again with my friends and my family who say that they love me the most…we have not the time nor the energy because we are busy perpetuating a system that is destroying us all.

But we delight in our material lives because that is all we have left with which to compensate for our lost souls.  We make it okay every day for others to take advantage of weaker humanity by buying into the system which perpetuates hate, intolerance, judgment, violence, and ignorance.  We choose to dull ourselves to others’ suffering—no doubt, to our own suffering—because we do not feel we have any other choice.  And maybe we are right in a sense; for if we cannot come together and work towards a common goal, then we most certainly have not a choice.  But there is a way.  A way that will never be found if we continue to go on ignoring the suffering of others.  We delight in our material lives because it is all that we truly have left.  No wonder we’re so addicted to distraction.  Is it no wonder we are addicted to deceit?  How else, please tell me, is it even possible to live in this country without practically dying from the pain?

I have found in these past few days that the only thing I have left that is worth living for is to finish writing this book once and for all.  I feel that in doing so I will be contributing what I have to give to this awful world, and I want to do that before I die.  I want these past few days nothing more than to die, but I cannot die before I finish this book.  I cannot die before I get my message across.  I must be heard.  There is no other way.  I have been given a gift of words and I intend to use it for the greater good.  If I have to fight back my tears so I can go on living in this world until that point, then that is what I intend to do.  This is the biggest, most influential way I can help change this world—and if it is not enough, it is not enough.  But I cannot die without trying.  I cannot die without trying.