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Reflection from April 16th, 2008 @ Age 26

RE:  HOW SMALL ACTS OF HUMAN KINDNESS MAKE GREAT DIFFERENCES IN HUMAN LIVES.

Why would I want to escape my life you might ask?  Well I’ll tell you…because it’s goddamn boring!  It’s boring, and uncomfortable, and filled with toil and difficulty and I’m fucking tired of dealing with it when I tell you I can’t get no relief.  I hate it!  So yes, if wanting a little excitement in my life to spice it up a bit is considered “escaping” — then you’re damn well straight I wanna fucking escape.

You know some black lady at work yesterday spotted my multicolored pumps and said “Girrrllllll, lemme get a good look at those shoes!”  So I gave her a look and she said “are you Jewish?”  And I said no and she said, “Christian?”  And I said no and she said “then girl, what’re you doin’ with a Star of David on your foot?”  And of course I said I had a friend named David who passed away and she said “ahh I’m sorry hun, I thought you might be Jewish—see here I got my Star of David too,” and proceeded to show me her Star of David necklace.  So it was quite an enjoyable exchange and all right there at work on my way to the bathroom!  So I lied before…because that, was pretty exciting for my day yesterday.  I loved that lady for chatting with me.  Doing so pretty much made my day.

Later

God does it make me feel depressed knowing, seeing all these stupid people my age with money to go on vacations and having significant others and getting engaged and married and having babies n’ shit.  It kind of makes me want to kill myself if you want to know the truth.  And I know what a fucking pity party right and all, but I really have to believe in this book deal and that my life too will get better because otherwise I’m likely to OD on something, on anything.  

I have to believe because right now I just can’t see that happening for me.  All I can see is more suffering and fucking loneliness and I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through.  I’m not even sure there’s an end for which to get through to.