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Reflection from April 28th, 2008 @ Age 26


Well I’ve finally finished typing up all my old journals which was, as Stella coined, a milestone.  I read the entry I let her read when she was so nice as to come out to visit me for my law school graduation, and I was so mean to her in the entry I wrote!  The one about the “click, click fucking click” and throwing her computer out the window and talking smack about her boyfriend (now husband).  I was so mean!  I can see now that I was mean to her because I myself was in pain—not because of anything Stella had ever done to me, or any real reason that had at all to do with Stel.  It’s really kind of sad…bittersweet reading through these entries, now comprehensively, to see how miserable I’ve been from so long back.  I compare it to how I am miserable now and I’m not sure what to make of it.

Anyways, nothing much exciting going on here.  I saw the psychiatrist last week since I was pretty much going crazy there, and I told her I don’t think there was anything that would have precipitated the cycling, and then about half way through our meeting I said that I had been feeling rather elated that I’d been talking with an old friend of mine.  And she said is this friend a male?  And I said yes.  And she said is this friend an old boyfriend?  And I said well no, not technically, but there have always been feelings there.  And she said well, that most definitely could be triggering the cycling (she thought at first it was the Wellbutrin causing me to cycle…but since I’m such the fan of Wellbutrin balancing out the mood stabilizers to keep me thin and energized, I thought I ought to just tell her the truth).  So I told her the truth and how elated I’ve been and about the overwhelming sense of urgency to hear from him and see him and all that, and she looked at me and I laughed and rolled my eyes and she smiled.  It was pretty funny now that I think about it—I felt like I was in middle school with these insane feelings of love that I can’t control!  They just take over me and I haven’t a fleeting fighting chance in the world to recover on my own.

So anyways, that was a good meeting with the psychiatrist because I was honest with her and she saw it wasn’t the Wellbutrin that was causing me to cycle, it’s just my insane hormones feeling insane love feelings when my hormones alone are insane to begin with, and you can just see how the insanity flows forth from my mind.