Reflection from February 17th, 2009 @ Age 27
RE: BEING A HUMAN BEING – WITH STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES!!
I gave up after I took the practice MBE and did horrible on it. That’s when I gave up on the study schedule. I’ve been lollygagging ever since. Visiting with Aaliyah and going to movies with mom, taking trips to North Canton and writing pages in my journal everyday. I’m about to take a nap, but I don’t think I can because I don’t know what I’m going to do about this bar exam. I keep thinking—the worst that can happen is that you leave all of the essays and the MPT completely blank, and don’t fill in any of the bubbles on the MBE. And I don’t think it will be that bad because I have learned some things and I will definitely try to do my best. Which means I will get some points, I just won’t get a passing number of points. But really I’ve done the best that I could all along. I’ve been working part time and studying part time and I’ve got something going on up in my brain—it’s just that I don’t think that I’m going to be able to retrieve the information I need to know quickly enough to actually use it for the bar exam. And then there’s some stuff I just don’t know like civil procedure and property law. But whatever, I’m doing the best that I can and that’s all that I can do.
Shit, now I’m starting to feel guilty about not having studied harder or more or whatever. I almost wish I had stayed up late studying all those nights instead of getting a good nights’ sleep—but in all reality, I did the best that I could. I just don’t think I’m capable of cramming like that. I really don’t. I never have been capable of it and, I probably never will be all that great at it. That’s just who I am. I’ve never been a good studier and that’s just who I am. It doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person or that I didn’t try my best. It simply means that I have a weak area that happens to coincide detrimentally with the experience of taking of the bar exam. And I’ve worked really hard and studied hard—I listened to all those lectures and did all those multiple choice questions…I may not compare well to the best of the bunch but I’m beautiful in my own mediocrity. But I am not all around mediocre. I just happen to be mediocre at this skill. So that’s that. Stop feeling guilty Marissa and stop wishing you were someone who you really just are not. It’s not fair to you so stop it!
I was crying tonight telling my mom it’s scary having to take the bar exam and she said well, her sister never passed the bar exam because she never took it, her brother didn’t make it through the first semester of law school, dad’s brother didn’t even make it into law school, and dad’s other brother failed the bar exam the first time. So I guess that puts things into perspective a little bit…kind of. It’s still scary as hell. I don’t know why. The worst that can happen is that I leave all the essays and MPTs blank and guess on all the MBE questions. That’s the absolute worst that can happen. Except I think worse than that is feeling so goddamn stupid because I can’t pass the bar exam the first time around when idiots practicing law all over town could. Anyways, that’s neither here nor there I suppose. I don’t have to feel stupid if I don’t pass the first or second time because lot’s of people don’t pass the first time, and lots of people don’t pass the second time either. I hate to be one of those people—but you know, whatever. It’s not the end of the world. And I’m not stupid. I hate that all of this is supposed to be making me smarter, and yet it only makes me feel perpetually more stupid. But again, that’s neither here nor there. I am what I am, and who I am, and that’s all I can hope to be. End of story.